View Full Version : More funny stuff outta Sissynati!

01-05-2007, 09:26 PM
Found this on another board:

Cincinatti OH

These days happiness is in short supply in Cincinatti Ohio. The home of the beleaguered Bengals and thier dyspepsic fans has struggled through some hard realities of late. The surging Bengals, so promising a year ago fell to arch-rival Pittsburgh in the playoffs after Carson Palmer tripped over a defensive player in the playoffs. Infighting in the Bengals locker room at halftime lead to a collapse in the second half that left the Bengals brass wondering what happened.

The follow up season roared out of the gate with 4 preseason victories for which Bengals coach Marvin Lewis frantically game-planned in a bid to save his job which was reportedly at risk from fickle owner Mike Brown who frowns upon Lewis's hand in the cookie jar style of player management. However, player arrests and bail payments aside, the Bengals were looking like the dominant team that hoped to surprise the league as the season began.

Sadly, the dream began to unravel early as Chad Johnson failed utterly to live up to his own hype and underperformed in every aspect of the game. Quietly, TJ Houshmandzadah filled in admirably demonstrating why Johnson has had the success he's enjoyed over his career. The solid, gritty play of Houshmandzadah forces teams to respect the #2 receiver and devote quality secondary coverage to him, freeing Johnson up to play against more man coverage. In the past this has lead to the spectacular numbers so coveted by Johnson and the Bengals bean counters. This year, however Johnson's feet couldn't quite keep up with his mouth and as a result he barely warrented notice as a Bengals receiver.

Palmer, a burgeoning star struggled this year after his injury rehab and he simply wasn't the offensive threat he presented in the previous season. A traditionally respectable running game, anchored by Rudi Johnson was inexplicably ignored this season despite the lackluster performances of Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer and as a result, the Bengals were predictably average.

Defensively, the Bengals did everything necessary to preserve their pet nickname "Bungles." With the loss of middle linebacker Odell Thurman to a drug addiction and the season ending injury of linebacker David Pollack, the Bengals shot themselves in the foot before even getting out of the blocks. The defensive unit battled to overcome their various injury, legal and medicinal problems, but in the end no particular player stood out as dominant and once again the Bengals defense managed to under-achieve, a trend which is becoming a staple of the franchise.

This season culminated in a loss to the Steelers in a season final that could have sent the Bengals to the playoffs, but in typical fashion, the offense played with no heart, the defense was confused about what goal it was protecting and the team in general was physically dominated by a Steelers team that seemed determined to pee in the Bengals wheaties.

The game was punctuated by several tackles that drew apologetic flags from the officials, but in the end, even the administration of gift-yards from the referees couldn't overcome the defensive lapses as Steeler Santonio Holmes loped into the endzone for an overtime touchdown as Bengals players watched, desperately hoping for one more flag.

As the off season arrives mercifully, the Bengals faithful prepare once more for the dreaded football hiatus and the undoubtedly dreadful draft that the Bengals front office will botch. The biggest question on many Bengal fans minds is not whether thier draftees signing requirements will be manageable, but if their selected players' bail or parole circumstances will allow them to take the field in September.

However, despite the myriad of woes weighing down the Bungle Nation, one shining moment of joy has pierced the gloom.

It is expected the Bill Cowher, coach of the Steelers will announce his retirement today. Bengals fans all around Cincinatti are summoning the energy to break from their depression long enough to rejoice the fact that a coach who has long humiliated and dominated the Bengals is moving on to retirement. The trembling prayer upon the lips of Bengals fans today is "Please God, somehow make them as bad as us next year..." Of course, it must be assumed that since God does not live in Cincinatti, he cannot be a Bengals fan, however given the widespread locale of Steeler fans, it is quite likely he decorates the Pearly Gates in black and gold.

At any rate, as the Bungle Fans feebly cry "Hurrah" while Cowher prepares his likely retirement announcement, they should keep in mind that Marvin Lewis would be a fine candidate for a Steelers replacement coordinator. While some consideration might be given to the idea of interviewing Lewis as a head coach, his record hardly seems worthy of such an opportunity.

01-05-2007, 11:38 PM
Lewis would make a good towel boy.:sofunny:

01-06-2007, 09:03 AM
Wow, you know that that is actually spot-on. It lays the responsibility for the teams failure squarely on the coach and players, and admits that the team couldn't even win the last game with the help of the officials. Too bad the players don't have the same sense of responsibility as the writer; if they did, they would have a clear idea of where to start improving... by looking in the mirror.


01-06-2007, 09:10 AM
Lewis would make a good towel boy.:sofunny:

I heard he'd get arrested if he was the towel boy.

01-06-2007, 09:59 AM
Marvin Lewis need not apply.

01-06-2007, 10:33 AM
Marvin Lewis need not apply.

He's already in line to be the next inmate of the bengals organization. They're supposed to have the Guilty Verdict handed down today.:sofunny:

01-06-2007, 11:56 AM
Well, when I saw the title of this thread the first thing that went through my mind was "Who now?"

Second, even though Cowher's gone they will still tremble at the mention of his name...yeah, mmhmm, that's a real victory for them....

Marvin Lewis as Towel Boy, classic.

01-06-2007, 12:19 PM
That was amazingly accurate. Could there be intelligent life form in who dey land?

01-06-2007, 12:45 PM
Anybody else get the feeling that this article was a plant?

01-06-2007, 04:47 PM
Anybody else get the feeling that this article was a plant?

Could be, XT, but I think it is more along the lines of Bungleitis, or more commonly known as diarrhea of the mouth.