View Full Version : Teenage Daughter's Manual

02-09-2007, 09:43 PM
Teenager Owners Manual
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron ? Please do not remove the copyright from
this essay

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your
new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which
does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full

you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new
daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original
daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep
in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received
the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will
initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In
Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that
will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these
behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the
vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning
the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are
very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour.
They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind
of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water
tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to
pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are
very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up
after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular
meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests
everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you
to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and
like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.
Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If
you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might
see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year
selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on
your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections
which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to
dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to co?rce her into putting on a
cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of
maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This
means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who
think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as
long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already
happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are
dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any
event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there?you just
have to look for her.

02-09-2007, 09:58 PM
LOL! Thank God I have boys!!!!!

02-09-2007, 10:22 PM
LOL! Thank God I have boys!!!!!

Fortunately for my mom she had 3 boys.

02-10-2007, 12:31 PM
I have one son but my sister is currently living in this nightmare world!!

02-13-2007, 03:58 PM
ROFL - I have one of them right now !!

02-13-2007, 04:15 PM
yikes! probably my worst fear ever.

02-13-2007, 08:13 PM
My mom had to deal with me, and my grandma had to deal with three girls. And it makes me laugh because now I know how my mom felt on a daily basis...


02-14-2007, 08:45 PM
Haha ... so True! Good one! :P