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View Full Version : Never try and Fool the Wife


lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 06:57 AM
Okay...let me start by saying that ...I HATE WEDDINGS!!!!!...I dont dislike them...I am not annoyed when I have to go....I LOATHE weddings. I would rather go to my own funeral than attend a wedding. Dont get me wrong, when I have to go...(you know...when I cant think of an excuse to get out of ...lets say...my BROTHER getting married)....I man up, and I go.
HOWEVER...when I am asked to go to not only a wedding....but to a wedding for my wifes friend....a friend that she hasnt seen in 5 years...a friend who is marrying the biggest WEINIE in the world...I tend to balk.
Now...how do I know that this guy..whom I have never met is a weinie?...Good question!!..There are 365 days in the year. Out of those 365 days, there are ...lets say...5 days that one should never get married. 1) Superbowl Sunday...thats a gimme. 2) Christmas...although the idea of getting a two-for-one on gifts is appealing. 3) Her/His birthday...see #2. 4) Halloween...just dont go there. 5) DRAFT DAY!!! Yes!!! Mr. "Honey I wuv you so much I am willing to ruin the day for 50% of our guests"...let his wife... (did I mention that my wife hasnt seen her in 5 years?)...plan a wedding on draft day!!!
Well I could have whined and moaned about the unfairness of it all....so I did...and it didnt work, because my wifes LOVE of weddings rivals my own putrid...throbbing...hatred of the ceremony. So being the "Type A"...problem solving ...go-getter that I am...I came up with the perfect solutuion!
I am currently training a young lady at work with the I.Q of a garbanza bean (a story unto itself)...and that has put me significantly behind on paperwork and significant tasks. One of which is to randomly come in early or stay late to do QA (Quality Assurance) on second and third shifts...(Yea...your right...eat donuts and tell stories). With an admiral work ethic and a sense of responsibility...I told my supervisor that I probably need to come in early on Saturday morning and "work" until about 3 p.m. to get caught up.
With heavy (snicker) heart I informed my lovely wife of 16 years that I was greatly saddened by the fact that I wouldnt be able to go to this wedding that I was reaaaaaly looking forward to....Darn IT!!!
To which she ...with what I think was a smirk, ....a very smarmy smirk...NO...a very KNOWING smarmy smirk....said "No problem...the wedding starts at 4 p.m., I will put your suit in your car..and you can get ready at work...with the drive time, we will only miss about 15 minutes. Did I mention that she has had 16 years to figure me out?
So....I will get to follow the draft until 4 p.m., and then will be sitting a lovely church...watching a simply romantic wedding, between a beautiful bride and her weinie groom....with my arm around my wifes shoulder............and a radio earphone in my ear.

PisnNapalm
04-24-2007, 07:36 AM
You could try catching the flu or something. That's what I'd do. Food poisoning would work too.

HometownGal
04-24-2007, 08:00 AM
You poor man!

Good suggestions, PnP. A sudden bout of the dysentary usually makes for a good excuse too! Have a prune juice smoothie about an hour before quitting time. :wink02: :cheers:

stlrtruck
04-24-2007, 09:02 AM
I pray that you don't get caught with the earpiece in your ear.

Hopefully by then the Steelers would have made at least one selection for you to hear. But something tells me your wife isn't so behind on the troubles you would go through to watch the draft. Please give us the return results after the wedding (and hey don't forget about the reception too - LOL).

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 09:12 AM
...all sympathy is duly noted and appreciated...:crying01:

Stainless Steel
04-24-2007, 09:44 AM
If you think that is bad... try officiating one where the bride is REAL picky. THAT is no treat either. :)

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 09:58 AM
If you think that is bad... try officiating one where the bride is REAL picky. THAT is no treat either. :)

LOL...I promise to go to 5 "picky bride" weddings in exchange for the draft day wedding....deal?

verks36
04-24-2007, 10:19 AM
Wow that sucks dude

I would go on the internet and find the closes sports bar to the wedding

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 11:42 AM
You could try catching the flu or something. That's what I'd do. Food poisoning would work too.

Starting Saturday at 2:55 pm...I am fully prepared to make myself a syrup of Ipecac martini

MasterOfPuppets
04-24-2007, 01:19 PM
have you considered faking your own death???:tap:

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 01:24 PM
have you considered faking your own death???:tap:

To whom it may concern...LLT will not be able to go to the wedding today ...he is sick and possibly dying
- Epsteins Mother

fansince'76
04-24-2007, 01:29 PM
Hey LLT, how much couch time do you figure to get if you don't go? Just curious.

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 01:38 PM
Hey LLT, how much couch time do you figure to get if you don't go? Just curious.

* In my best Jim Mora voice*
Couch time?.....COUCH TIME? ....I'll be lucky to have a place to live.....and your asking me about COUCHTIME???!!!!

....actually....the "poisoning" may not be self-induced if I were to ask.

fansince'76
04-24-2007, 01:43 PM
* In my best Jim Mora voice*
Couch time?.....COUCH TIME? ....I'll be lucky to have a place to live.....and your asking me about COUCHTIME???!!!!

....actually....the "poisoning" may not be self-induced if I were to ask.

Ugh - better fake an illness then. :chuckle:

MasterOfPuppets
04-24-2007, 01:52 PM
i've got it !!!:jammin: ya ready???......CUT A FINGER OFF!!!!...now hear me out!! i know it sounds a littlt extreme ,but think about it. you get that afflack insurance , they pay you for missing work . you get time off work. you get good painkillers. you can milk the sympathy for weeks maybe months! no yard work! no wedding! and you don't even have to lop off the whole finger. just the first joint! i'd do the ring finger....the wedding ring will draw some of the attention away from your nub. ........I'M A FREAKIN GENIUS !!!!:jammin:

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-24-2007, 02:08 PM
i've got it !!!:jammin: ya ready???......CUT A FINGER OFF!!!!...now hear me out!! i know it sounds a littlt extreme ,but think about it. you get that afflack insurance , they pay you for missing work . you get time off work. you get good painkillers. you can milk the sympathy for weeks maybe months! no yard work! no wedding! and you don't even have to lop off the whole finger. just the first joint! i'd do the ring finger....the wedding ring will draw some of the attention away from your nub. ........I'M A FREAKIN GENIUS !!!!:jammin:

Cut off a finger!!! You want me to cut off a FINGER!!! WHY in the world , would I...........would the painkillers keep me from enjoying the draft?

MasterOfPuppets
04-24-2007, 02:12 PM
Cut off a finger!!! You want me to cut off a FINGER!!! WHY in the world , would I...........would the painkillers keep me from enjoying the draft?

oh hell no. it would probably enhance it especially with the addition of a few brewski's. you wouldn't even bat an eye if they took bush with the first pick...:sofunny:

Cape Cod Steel Head
04-24-2007, 02:17 PM
I think he's on to something here. Put it in the freezer and you can have it reattached on Sun. after say the 6th or 7th round!

MasterOfPuppets
04-24-2007, 02:25 PM
I think he's on to something here. Put it in the freezer and you can have it reattached on Sun. after say the 4th or 5th round!

naw...keep the nub...its a conversation piece. and you can do cool illusion tricks with it. like sticking the nub up to your nose ,and it looks like your fingers 2 inches in your nose...lmao...:sofunny: ...that one KILLS at parties. plus chicks dig nubs....:thumbsup:

Cape Cod Steel Head
04-24-2007, 02:27 PM
naw...keep the nub...its a conversation piece. and you can do cool illusion tricks with it. like sticking the nub up to your nose ,and it looks like your fingers 2 inches in your nose...lmao...:sofunny: ...that one KILLS at parties. plus chicks dig nubs....:thumbsup:Chicks dig nubs????

MasterOfPuppets
04-24-2007, 02:32 PM
Chicks dig nubs????
well maybe not...that was just the old car salesman in me talkin....:coffee:

PisnNapalm
04-24-2007, 03:30 PM
To whom it may concern...LLT will not be able to go to the wedding today ...he is sick and possibly dying
- Epsteins Mother

LMAO!! I bet none of the younger folks get this one. :thumbsup:

fansince'76
04-24-2007, 03:41 PM
To whom it may concern...LLT will not be able to go to the wedding today ...he is sick and possibly dying
- Epsteins Mother

Mr. Kott-air!

Preacher
04-24-2007, 04:07 PM
How about this...

I planned a seminar... with about 50 people attending.. on that Saturday! form 10 am to 5 pm PST!! ARGHH...


I am still working hard on getting broadband into the sanctuary!!

I have been through this seminar once... maybe twice already!!

HometownGal
04-24-2007, 08:17 PM
plus chicks dig nubs....:thumbsup:

No we don't. Especially not in the facial area or a little farther south. :horror: Ya think road rash is pleasant, huh do ya? :wink02:

SteelCzar76
04-24-2007, 08:35 PM
naw...keep the nub...its a conversation piece. and you can do cool illusion tricks with it. like sticking the nub up to your nose ,and it looks like your fingers 2 inches in your nose...lmao...:sofunny: ...that one KILLS at parties. plus chicks dig nubs....:thumbsup:




LOL- I always thought chicks really dug the "Deep threat"? If what your saying is true,.....i may have to revaluate my thinking ? Nahhhhhhh,.......i'm right. :sofunny:

SteelCzar76
04-24-2007, 08:38 PM
LMAO!! I bet none of the younger folks get this one. :thumbsup:



"Welcome baaackk" "Welcome back, welcome back,........:toofunny:

MACH1
04-24-2007, 08:48 PM
Chicks dig nubs????

LMAO

I know a few chicks with nubs.:wink02:

umm...anyways can you say overtime.

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-25-2007, 09:57 AM
LMAO!! I bet none of the younger folks get this one. :thumbsup:

....:thumbsup: ....nobody here at work did!!!....:sofunny: :sofunny:

MasterOfPuppets
04-25-2007, 02:47 PM
No we don't. Especially not in the facial area or a little farther south. :horror: Ya think road rash is pleasant, huh do ya? :wink02:
:huh:

polamalufan43
04-25-2007, 03:38 PM
Okay...let me start by saying that ...I HATE WEDDINGS!!!!!...I dont dislike them...I am not annoyed when I have to go....I LOATHE weddings. I would rather go to my own funeral than attend a wedding. Dont get me wrong, when I have to go...(you know...when I cant think of an excuse to get out of ...lets say...my BROTHER getting married)....I man up, and I go.
HOWEVER...when I am asked to go to not only a wedding....but to a wedding for my wifes friend....a friend that she hasnt seen in 5 years...a friend who is marrying the biggest WEINIE in the world...I tend to balk.
Now...how do I know that this guy..whom I have never met is a weinie?...Good question!!..There are 365 days in the year. Out of those 365 days, there are ...lets say...5 days that one should never get married. 1) Superbowl Sunday...thats a gimme. 2) Christmas...although the idea of getting a two-for-one on gifts is appealing. 3) Her/His birthday...see #2. 4) Halloween...just dont go there. 5) DRAFT DAY!!! Yes!!! Mr. "Honey I wuv you so much I am willing to ruin the day for 50% of our guests"...let his wife... (did I mention that my wife hasnt seen her in 5 years?)...plan a wedding on draft day!!!
Well I could have whined and moaned about the unfairness of it all....so I did...and it didnt work, because my wifes LOVE of weddings rivals my own putrid...throbbing...hatred of the ceremony. So being the "Type A"...problem solving ...go-getter that I am...I came up with the perfect solutuion!
I am currently training a young lady at work with the I.Q of a garbanza bean (a story unto itself)...and that has put me significantly behind on paperwork and significant tasks. One of which is to randomly come in early or stay late to do QA (Quality Assurance) on second and third shifts...(Yea...your right...eat donuts and tell stories). With an admiral work ethic and a sense of responsibility...I told my supervisor that I probably need to come in early on Saturday morning and "work" until about 3 p.m. to get caught up.
With heavy (snicker) heart I informed my lovely wife of 16 years that I was greatly saddened by the fact that I wouldnt be able to go to this wedding that I was reaaaaaly looking forward to....Darn IT!!!
To which she ...with what I think was a smirk, ....a very smarmy smirk...NO...a very KNOWING smarmy smirk....said "No problem...the wedding starts at 4 p.m., I will put your suit in your car..and you can get ready at work...with the drive time, we will only miss about 15 minutes. Did I mention that she has had 16 years to figure me out?
So....I will get to follow the draft until 4 p.m., and then will be sitting a lovely church...watching a simply romantic wedding, between a beautiful bride and her weinie groom....with my arm around my wifes shoulder............and a radio earphone in my ear.

Just when we get a good pick, remember to keep all celebration dances to yourself or get jiggy at the reception....:banana: :banana:

~Polamalufan43:tt02:

Counselor
04-25-2007, 04:55 PM
I feel your pain. Last year I had to attend a wedding shower---not so much of an egregious sin as a wedding since its all girls and most don't care about draft day---but I do. I had my sister text me the first round---kept having to "go to the bathroom" to reply so I didn't look totally rude.

MasterOfPuppets
04-25-2007, 05:05 PM
I feel your pain. Last year I had to attend a wedding shower---not so much of an egregious sin as a wedding since its all girls and most don't care about draft day---but I do. I had my sister text me the first round---kept having to "go to the bathroom" to reply so I didn't look totally rude.
to bad you didn't have access to a thinker such as myself...:pity:

Counselor
04-25-2007, 05:23 PM
to bad you didn't have access to a thinker such as myself...:pity:

too true--next time I have a problem like this I will post a thread and I'll expect your prompt response:wink02:

MasterOfPuppets
04-25-2007, 05:42 PM
too true--next time I have a problem like this I will post a thread and I'll expect your prompt response:wink02:
sure anytime...except tommorrow,i'm kinda under a time limit to help LLT out. i've almost got his finger remover done. here's a pic.

http://http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/4611/guilotinwmw3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

MACH1
04-25-2007, 05:59 PM
sure anytime...except tommorrow,i'm kinda under a time limit to help LLT out. i've almost got his finger remover done. here's a pic.

http://http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/4611/guilotinwmw3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

LOL

Better not let his wife see it, she might use it for something other than a finger. :jawdrop:

MasterOfPuppets
04-25-2007, 06:08 PM
LOL

Better not let his wife see it, she might use it for something other than a finger. :jawdrop:
i think i can speak for LLT , and say, its an exceptable risk ! :thumbsup:

tony hipchest
04-25-2007, 06:15 PM
LOL

Better not let his wife see it, she might use it for something other than a finger. :jawdrop:

his cigars???? :jawdrop:

:banana:

:smoker:

wiqidjuggalo
04-25-2007, 07:17 PM
"Welcome baaackk" "Welcome back, welcome back,........:toofunny:

http://www.autographedtoyou.com/celebpics/ron_palillo2.jpg

MasterOfPuppets
04-25-2007, 08:46 PM
NFL draft vs. chance of not being able to have sex the rest of your life?? :dang:

Hmmmmmm......... I think I'd have to attend the wedding!

MOP... thought you thought this thing through thoroughly!
2 words.....john bobbit.....:hunch:

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-26-2007, 06:42 PM
2 words.....john bobbit.....:hunch:

YIKES!!!...two more words....Looooovely Wedding!!

MasterOfPuppets
04-26-2007, 06:56 PM
YIKES!!!...two more words....Looooovely Wedding!!

geez , it ain't like they can't sew it back on...:shake01: ...and look at the new career door it opens !

i can see it in lights now...." LLT UNCUTT "....:thumbsup:

Preacher
04-28-2007, 04:54 AM
geez , it ain't like they can't sew it back on...:shake01: ...and look at the new career door it opens !

i can see it in lights now...." LLT UNCUT "....:thumbsup:


Wouldn't that actually be.... LLT, Cut and pasted back together???


Go to the wedding! But find a TV and take MANY "Bathroom Breaks"

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-28-2007, 05:42 AM
Wouldn't that actually be.... LLT, Cut and pasted back together???


Go to the wedding! But find a TV and take MANY "Bathroom Breaks"

Well....My wife informed me yesterday that she was always planning on taking my daughter and her best friend to the wedding...(my daughter knew this but didnt tell me...the traitor!)
....she bought me a new Steeler cap and told me to enjoy the draft with my son....I may keep her!!!!!!:tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02: :tt02:

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-28-2007, 09:18 AM
Sounds like you have a keeper LLT! :tt02:

she thinks she's funny....but your right!!:smile:

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-28-2007, 10:07 AM
I'll bet she was loving it when you were coming home with excuses! You should hook her up to SF, we could have fun with her! :bouncy:

...her only fault....is that she is a colts fan:dang: ...although she ahs agreed to go to St Louis with me to see the Steelers play in Dec....so we might have to have "gang save" her and bring her to the light!!!

lamberts-lost-tooth
04-29-2007, 10:43 AM
Have her join the forum and introduce her to the recipe threads. Start slowly and we will do the rest! :thumbsup:

She is the absolute best cook I know!!!...that may work!!