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Mosca
06-21-2007, 12:01 PM
Pac-Man Jones: 'I Will Be Nowhere Near Next Friday's Strip-Club Stabbing'

LOS ANGELES?Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones called a press conference Tuesday in order to emphasize that he will be nowhere near a possibly fatal stabbing that will occur during a fight involving several members of his entourage and the bartender at an L.A.?area strip club this coming Friday.

"I just want people to know that I'm not going to be present at Shaker's, the club where possibly about to be deceased chump-ass bartender Darrent Wilson has been known to exchange harsh language and threats with my known associates, including kicking me and my people out of his establishment," said Jones, who is also currently being questioned by police concerning a recent shooting at an Atlanta strip club and is currently on suspension from the NFL following a melee and shooting in February at a Las Vegas strip club. "I am sorry for what is about to happen to this man, who will be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it will have had nothing to do with me."

Jones also took the opportunity to appeal once more to the NFL for leniency in a case of what he called "bad luck."

"I will be going to bed at midnight on Friday anyway, and the gentleman in question will not be knifed until about 3 a.m.," Jones added. "And about Wednesday I'm deciding to give up strip clubs anyway, since bad stuff can happen there, especially when employees act unreasonable. Just because I know the guys who will be there when this happens doesn't necessarily mean I knew it was going to happen."

The fight, which sources close to Jones say will apparently start as an argument over a woman, will involve Wilson and at least three as-yet unidentified members of Jones' group, although witnesses will not be able to place Jones at the scene. When contacted about the incident, Jones plans to promise to cooperate with authorities in their investigation and pray for Wilson's speedy recovery, if the bartender is alive at the time.

Jones stressed that no charges have yet been filed against him, saying that, although unfortunate, anticipation of the stabbing was "blowing the incident all out of proportion."

"This Saturday will mark my sixth arrest, or possibly seventh. I can't tell the future," Jones said, shaking his head in apparent anger. "Yet I won't get charged this time, either. They'll just be persecuting me for the stabbing that's going to happen because of the other stuff that already happened. Is that fair? I don't think that when Mr. Smart Mouth Darrent Wilson gets stabbed it should affect my career like that."

"You know that Darrent, the guy who's going to get tragically stabbed, has always had it in for me," Jones added. "By the time he gets put in the hospital or killed, he will have thrown me out of his club at least twice, and there's two days between now and the stabbing. I think he's going to use getting cut up as an excuse to get at my money, is what I think."

Manny Arora, Jones' attorney, said that Jones was "genuinely sorry in advance" about the incident, but was not at liberty to answer questions regarding his relationship with the one to three men who will be seen fleeing the vicinity covered in blood. Jones refused to confirm that the weapon to be used in the stabbing, a seven-inch pearl-handled hunting knife, will in fact be given to one of the men by Jones himself this coming Friday morning.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has already scheduled a rare Sunday meeting with Jones, demanding Jones be in his office as soon as news of the incident becomes public.

tony hipchest
06-21-2007, 12:35 PM
it took me halfway through the 2nd paragraph before i recognized the parody. thats sad.

SteelCityMan786
06-21-2007, 12:40 PM
Don't promise Pac-Man. Actually stay away from it.

lamberts-lost-tooth
06-21-2007, 01:23 PM
Very well done!!!!:sofunny::sofunny::sofunny:

Livinginthe past
06-21-2007, 01:55 PM
Straight from America's Finest News Source - shame on those who doubt its validity :wink02:

SteelCityMan786
06-21-2007, 02:16 PM
Straight from America's Finest News Source - shame on those who doubt its validity :wink02:

Another reason for my statement.

CantStop85
06-21-2007, 02:28 PM
If it weren't for the word "chump-ass" in the first sentence in the second paragraph I probably would have believed the whole thing. Nice one lol

rbryan
06-21-2007, 03:14 PM
Fighting over strippers. Pretty funny. I guess Pac and his crew were just "keeping it real"

Hey Pac, heres a newsflash, you don't have to fight over a stripper. There's an endless supply.

SteelCityMan786
06-21-2007, 04:37 PM
Fighting over strippers. Pretty funny. I guess Pac and his crew were just "keeping it real"

Hey Pac, heres a newsflash, you don't have to fight over a stripper. There's an endless supply.

That is a fact of life my friend.

onthebus36
06-25-2007, 01:19 PM
The funny thing is, Pacman will be there anyway.

SteelCityMan786
06-25-2007, 01:21 PM
The funny thing is, Pacman will be there anyway.

Yep, that's why they call the onion america's "finest" news source.

domthebomb228
06-25-2007, 02:49 PM
Pacman Jones Unnerved By Sight Of Fully Clothed Woman

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ATLANTA--Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam ?Pacman? Jones admitted to being ?weirded out? by a fully clothed woman he encountered at a convenience store in Atlanta early Monday morning. The woman, who wore a pair of loose fitting slacks and a sweater, refused to remove her clothing even after having a crumpled up hundred dollar bill thrown in her face.

?Man, that was weird,? Jones said after exiting the store. ?There was a lady behind the counter in there that was fully clothed, head to toe. You couldn?t see anything. So I said to her, ?Why you got all them clothes on?? And she said, ?Because it?s chilly in here.? Then I threw a hundred dollar bill at her and said, ?Hot enough for you now?? Then she picked the money up and handed it back to me. I guess she didn?t think it was enough. Pretty full of herself for a 60-year-old lady working at a gas station.?

Though it was not the first time in his life Jones had encountered a fully clothed woman, the experience did leave him a bit flummoxed.

?I?ve seen women with clothes on from time to time but this one took me off guard,? said Jones. ?I mean, she had so much stuff on. She looked like an Eskimo. And the attitude she gave me when I told her to strip?it was like I was the crazy one. Whatever. I?m going back to the club where things make sense. I'm telling you, if I see one fabric of clothing on any of those bitches I?m shooting up the joint, and no jury in the world will convict me.?

The woman behind the counter, who requested that her name not be used, called Jones a ?thug? and a ?weirdo? and admitted to being terrified when he pulled up with entourage.

?I have never, in all my years, been treated like that by anybody,? said the woman, 62. ?I knew he was up to no good when he pulled up in his big SUV with three other SUV?s behind him. Then he opened the door and a huge cloud of smoke poured out. He had a gun on him, too. It was tucked into the front of his pants. Talk about having no class. What is this guy, an NFL player??

When informed that Jones is an NFL player, the woman was not surprised.

?Oh, he was. I see. It all makes sense now,? she said. ?What? He was Pacman Jones? Oh, now it really makes sense. I suppose I should be thankful that I lived to tell about it. I thought he was some crazed, violent gang member. If I knew it was Pacman Jones I would have been terrified.?

Following the incident, Jones headed back to Club Blaze where he spent the previous night before getting involved in a shooting with members of his entourage. While waiting in the parking lot for the doors to open, he discussed the shooting.

?There was some dudes in here and they was talking to my girl and I had to put my foot down,? he said. ?I told them I was going to shoot them, as anyone in my situation would have done, and then they took off, so we followed them. It was no big deal really. We ended up pulling up next to them and opening fire on their truck. They fired back and that was that. I?m not even sure we broke the law.?

Once inside, Jones was back in his element.

?Home sweet home,? Jones said as he watched a dancer perform on the stage. ?See, this is the way it?s supposed to be. The bitches are naked, and they do whatever you tell them. Even the waitresses are kind of naked. I?ll have to sit here all day to forget about seeing that fully-clothed nut case at the gas station.?

Jones then threw a hundred dollar bill at a dancer, who responded in the traditional manner of putting her vagina in his face.

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This is from thebrushback.com, a sports-related version of the onion.