View Full Version : Confucius say: A team of turds "doo" no good

07-12-2007, 08:43 PM
Say what you will about Florio, but he has had his finger on the pulse of the NFL behavioral nightmare for a while now.

He established the "Turd Watch," which tracks and awards points for player arrests, earlier this year only to have SI steal the thunder later.

He also releases an "All-Turd" team every year as a compilation of the NFL's best of the worst.

Once again, its a slow news day, so I thought I'd put it up for conversation.


It's time for the PFT 2007 All-Turd Team. And we'll get started with the offense.

Last year's version was a rousing success, and it was based in large part on input from our readers. In the past 12 months, we've been paying far closer attention to the issue of misbehavior in the NFL, so we didn't need to put out an open call for nominations.

With that said, let us know if we've missed anyone.

The requirements for consideration are one or more arrests, one or more violations of the league's substance abuse policy, one or more violations of the league's steroid policy, one or more holdouts while under contract, one or more flagrant acts of rudeness and/or stupidity, and/or anything else that makes us think that there's good cause for the player to be included on the squad.

Here we go.

As usual, we start on offense with the poster children for the turd squad: the wide receivers. Last year, a reader suggested that we fatten up several of them for duty on the offensive line. This year, we've trimmed down the names we'll be naming significantly, since many of them have turned it around. Somehow.

Chris Henry, WR, Bengals: Henry doesn't get it. He continued his run of misbehavior into the 2006 season, with more arrests, on-field hot-headedness, and puking out of the window of a car that linebacker Odell Thurman had been driving while inebriated. Henry is serving an eight-game suspension for his various misdeeds.

Terrell Owens, WR, Cowboys: He said all the right things upon joining the Cowboys, and all the wrong things once the season started. He bitched about not getting the ball, and he complained about coach Bill Parcells after he retired. Oh, and then there was the whole accidental suicide attempt that provided one of the biggest in-season distractions that we can ever recall.

David Kircus, WR, Broncos: Kircus beat the hell out of a guy and then claimed it was self-defense. Kircus then aided and abetted the potentially illegal use of polygraph testing by the Broncos in order to get his ass out of the hot water that he'd heated up on his own.

Antonio Bryant, WR, 49ers (formerly): Bryant got yet another second chance with the Niners last year, and blew it via a car chase and ensuing tirade that required the cops to treat him like Hannibal Lecter.

Koren Robinson, WR, Packers: Led police on a drunken high-speed chase, and then filed a grievance against the Vikings for having the nerve to cut him after he was arrested.

Dishonorable mention: Deion Branch, Plaxico Burress, Charles Sharon, Brandon Marshall, Mike Mason, Ocho Stinko.

Jerramy Stevens, TE, Buccaneers: Bad player, bad teammate, bad citizen, bad neighbor, bad guy.

Dominique Byrd, TE, Rams: Two arrests in less than a year in the league. He actually makes new teammate Randy McMichael look good.

Anthony Davis, OL, Bucs: One arrest is enough to get a guy on the list when he plays a position that rarely results in trouble.

Eric Steinbach, OL, Browns: "The Skipper" got busted for boating under the influence.

Bryant McKinnie, OL, Vikings: McKinnie pleaded guilty last year for disorderly conduct arising from the Love Boat affair after former teammate Moe Williams went down with the ship.

Khalif Barnes, OL, Jags: His rant following a DUI arrest included calling the cop as "KKK devil" and referring to the city where he plays as a "hick town."

Alan Faneca, OL, Steelers: Created an unnecessary spectacle by bitching about the fact that the team hasn't broken the bank for a 30-something player with another year left on his deal.

Pete Kendall, OL, Jets: Ditto, but with three years left on his contract.

Dominic Rhodes, RB, Raiders: Arrested for DUI on the eve of hitting the free-agent market. Even worse, he reportedly peed all over himself in the cruiser.

LenDale White, RB, Titans: The player we lovingly call LenWhale is eating away his chance to become a star in the NFL.

Lionel Gates, RB, Buccaneers: Gates allegedly broke into a woman's apartment and beat her up. While she was pregnant. Amazingly, he's still on the roster.

Clinton Portis, RB, Redskins: His flippant comments about dog fighting might have been an aberration, but they were sufficiently outlandish to win him a spot on this year's team.

Michael Vick, QB, Falcons: Nearly "earned" a spot in the All-Turd Hall of Fame in a single offseason. Even if he knew nothing about the alleged dog-fighting operation housed on property he owns, his decision to purchase property and bury his head in the sand (next to some of the carcasses) merits inclusion on this list.

Lord Favre, QB, Packers: Favre had a public tantrum when the front office didn't trade for Randy Moss, prompting some Cheeseheads to finally look forward to the day Favre finally leaves (in approximately 2017).

Daunte Culpepper, QB, Dolphins: He continues to serve as his own agent, and blames the team for pressuring him to return from a knee injury at a time when he was more than willing to show what he could do.

Jake Plummer, QB, Broncos: Plummer retired from football with anywhere from $5 million to $7 million in bonus money in his pockets, paid out under the presumption that he'd stick around for a few more years.

Brady Quinn, QB, Browns: Quinn wins the "All-Turd Quarterback of the Future" prize for various pre-career missteps, including hinting of a holdout in lieu of being thrilled that the Browns moved back into round one to stop his free-fall, demonstrating horrible accuracy in offseason workouts, and allowing himself to be photographed at his sister's wedding in less-than-flattering garb and poses.


The defense is to come later.

Only one Steelers this year. I guess it was much more attractive to have us as bad guys last year as we had, I believe, 3.

Last year Santonio Holmes was selected for his numerous post-draft legal issues, Joey Porter was at LB for being... Joey, basically. Roethlisberger was a QB for being, and I'm paraphrasing, the most incredible combination of dumb and arrogant.


07-12-2007, 08:57 PM
I'll give you two guess's on who the number 1 corner is gonna be but you'll only need one.

Livinginthe past
07-13-2007, 01:06 AM
Yeah, its pretty entertaining stuff - and relevant.

PFT was onto the player offseason behaviour thing before it became such an issue for the NFL and Goodell.

You could even argue that the 'turd-watch', in its blunt way, grabbed the attention of the football world and has spawned more than a few rip-offs on the same theme.

07-13-2007, 06:46 AM
Dominic Rhodes, RB, Raiders: Arrested for DUI on the eve of hitting the free-agent market. Even worse, he reportedly peed all over himself in the cruiser.


boLT fan
07-13-2007, 09:27 AM
I thought this was a preview of the Raiders 2008 season by the look of the title :sofunny:

Cape Cod Steel Head
07-13-2007, 09:42 AM
Only one Bungle?

07-13-2007, 09:55 AM
ocho stinko was mentioned, i guess they gave up on spelling TJ hooshmanizilly

07-15-2007, 05:38 PM
If only this guy would stick to what he knows and can do well, which is this kind of satirical critical analysis, I'd have no problem with the site/guy. But he so desperately wants to be a legitimate news site for the NFL that he shoots himself in the foot by posting crap on the desperate hope that the crap is really true. If your newspaper was only right 25% of the time about the news, would you still read it?

The Duke
07-15-2007, 08:32 PM
Only one Bungle?

The rest were in prison and couldn't show up

07-15-2007, 08:35 PM
ocho stinko was mentioned, i guess they gave up on spelling TJ hooshmanizilly

silver & black
07-19-2007, 07:27 PM
I thought this was a preview of the Raiders 2008 season by the look of the title :sofunny:

How did I know you would throw that out there?:yawn:...:sofunny: