View Full Version : A Condensed Version of History

01-11-2008, 02:50 PM
A Condensed Version of History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and do the sewing, fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with a lime or an orange added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire other conservatives because they want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

This ends today's lesson in world history......

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this history lesson before forwarding it.

A Conservative on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history lesson that this email will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and maybe to liberals just to piss them off....