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Mosca
02-07-2008, 10:01 AM
Patriot's Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/patriots_season_perfect_for_rest)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/ts_brady_large.article_large.jpg


FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England's season.

"I just couldn't imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey," said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots' sheer loathsomeness during the season. "The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

There is general agreement that the Super Bowl, despite the low score, was one of the finest in recent memory, due in part to the fearsome performance by the Giants and a cool, courageous display of quarterbacking by Eli Manning.

However, when asked about their favorite parts of the game, most fans chose the Patriots' ****y decision to begin the game with a trick play, which the Giants stopped handily; Bill Belichick's smug third-quarter attempt at a fourth-and-13 conversion, which blew up in his face, instead of trying a field goal; and New England's offensive line, which featured three Pro Bowlers, allowing high-cheekboned, doe-eyed, supermodel-impregnating passer Tom Brady to be hit over 20 times during the course of the game.

"Did you see [Giants defensive tackle Lance] Alford smack Brady right in the face on that last drive?" said Bellvue, WA newsstand operator Christian Dansby. "Brady was almost offended. I think he forgot for a few months there that he was a football player. It was just perfect."

"God, seeing Randy Moss do his weird chicken-wing crowd taunt when they scored to go ahead in the fourth was awful," said Jeff Lafferty, who watched the Super Bowl with rabid New England fans despite having known them for years. "What's worse is that the Pats fans ate it up. Of course, when Burress made that catch to win… Perfection. That's the only word for the Pats now. Perfection."

However, most fans gave responses that had little to do with the game itself and more with the almost flawless joy of seeing the Patriots lose, as a team that has been insufferable and unappealing in victory instantly became inconsolable and self-pitying in defeat.

Frequently mentioned examples of instances which, upon reflection, sweetened the Patriots' utter failure included the team's propensity to complain about unfair officiating after their victories; their habit of gleefully running up the score, which also resulted in Brady and Moss earning NFL single-season scoring records in blowouts; and of course, the players' and coaches' hateful attitude.

"Come on, that cheating scandal to open the season and all they say is 'Everybody does it?' They could have at least acted a little bit sorry," said Milwaukee architect and sports fan David Engel. "They acted like a bunch of third-graders, just the way Belichick did when he ran off the field with time left on the clock. At least he shook the other coach's hand this time. That's a first for the big baby."

"The worst part for me is that none of them seem to enjoy playing football," said Lexington, KY-area mechanic Jack Colgrave. "Even when they were winning, all they did was taunt—Randy Moss taunting crowds, Wes Welker telling people they sucked, Brady sneering at the very idea they might get beat someday. What a bunch of absolutely perfect *******s."

"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."

fansince'76
02-07-2008, 10:06 AM
In summation, KARMA'S A BITCH!

rbryan
02-07-2008, 10:12 AM
That sums up the feelings of the majority of fans I have talked to. It is pretty amazing how the patsies where one play away from immortality yet now are widely considered a failure. Even the talking heads at ESPN have jumped off the bandwagon. Gotta love it.

tony hipchest
02-07-2008, 10:13 AM
"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect.":sofunny:

thats rough. but this article sums it up nicely. let the patfans (and insecure childish players themselves) think its all about jealousy, and ignore the fact that they are hated because they are loathsom.

to me, the patriots = bill romanowski

and the reason i cant stand bill isnt because he won rings.

the "spit in the face" player woulda been a perfect fit on the "spit in the face" team.

revefsreleets
02-07-2008, 10:20 AM
"The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

God, that's ...beautiful. I have a tear in my eye.

PisnNapalm
02-07-2008, 10:33 AM
Very very nice... I think it summed things up nicely.

Brady hadn't been hit in so long he forgot what it felt like. The first play of the game had him rattled from the start.

SteelersMongol
02-07-2008, 11:00 AM
Ha ha ha. God hates the Cheaters!

fansince'76
02-07-2008, 11:01 AM
BTW, that picture of the (balding) Golden Boy is suitable for framing! Nice to see the smug grin knocked off his mug. :thumbsup:

GBMelBlount
02-07-2008, 11:17 AM
"Did you see [Giants defensive tackle Lance] Alford smack Brady right in the face on that last drive?" said Bellvue, WA newsstand operator Christian Dansby. "Brady was almost offended. I think he forgot for a few months there that he was a football player. It was just perfect."

Welcome back to mortality Tomasina.

TroysBadDawg
02-07-2008, 11:49 AM
Hey Bill Belichick for a perfect season look up Dolphins or 1948 Browns just a thought.

GBMelBlount
02-07-2008, 12:32 PM
Hey Bill Belichick for a perfect season look up Dolphins or 1948 Browns just a thought.

I think I'll look up the dolphins. Thanks. :flap:

fansince'76
02-07-2008, 03:49 PM
Hey Bill Belichick for a perfect season look up Dolphins or 1948 Browns just a thought.

1948 Browns > 2007 Patriots*

Otto Graham > Asschin Brady

Paul Brown is Beliprick's Daddy.

:chuckle:

Cape Cod Steel Head
02-07-2008, 04:25 PM
Gotta love The Onion.

alittlejazzbird
02-08-2008, 03:03 PM
"The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

God, that's ...beautiful. I have a tear in my eye.

Likewise.

You can always count on the Onion for the best stuff, and this is a perfect summation. It was perfect karma to see the cheaters fail on the biggest, most humiliating stage of all.

I'm not sure why, but I'm reminded of what is still the funniest piece I think I've ever read in The Onion - it came out back when there was all that flap over Roger Clemens only having to be present at the ballpark on days that he pitched (the infamous "family plan"):

Manny Ramirez Asks Red Sox If He Can Work From Home
May 3, 2007 | | Onion Sports

BOSTON—Claiming that a relaxed atmosphere and a chance to create his own schedule would greatly benefit his productivity, Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez has asked team officials if he can play the remainder of the season from the comfort of his own home. "My client just can't seem to focus in his current place of work," said Ramirez's agent Greg Genske, noting that Fenway Park's loud, boisterous atmosphere and high-stress, pressure-packed environment are "not ideal working conditions for anyone." "Manny seeks a work space where he doesn't have to constantly travel, can wear whatever he wants, and can work at his own pace. I assure you that he will be able to put up the same statistics he normally does while physically on a baseball diamond. Just give him until November or December." The Red Sox have tentatively agreed to allow Ramirez to telecommute, claiming that although their offense may suffer without him at the ballpark, their defense in a vacant left field may substantially improve.

Edman
02-08-2008, 04:48 PM
Well, I think it's much easier to sum it up like this...

I hate the New England Patriots, Bobby Kraft, Bill Beliprick, Asschin Brady, HGH Harrison, Junior Blowjob, Tedi Bruschi, Pat Patriot, their stadium, Boston, their fans, their organization, and everything they stand for.

I hated them so bad this year that if someone gave me a Pats Jersey, I'd take it outside and burn it.

And I'll hate them again next year too.

revefsreleets
02-09-2008, 08:30 PM
Likewise.

You can always count on the Onion for the best stuff, and this is a perfect summation. It was perfect karma to see the cheaters fail on the biggest, most humiliating stage of all.

I'm not sure why, but I'm reminded of what is still the funniest piece I think I've ever read in The Onion - it came out back when there was all that flap over Roger Clemens only having to be present at the ballpark on days that he pitched (the infamous "family plan"):

Oh, I remember that one...great stuff. As an Indians fan, it strikes even a little deeper...

TroysBadDawg
02-09-2008, 10:19 PM
My cell phone welcome message says "Bengals SUCK Patriots Cheat"