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lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 02:14 PM
I have always wanted a dog.

Like any red blooded American of the male gender, I have always been a llittle jealous of my friends who own one. I mean, there is something special about going to a buddies house and having an animal the size of a small pony squeeze between you and your significant other.

Women dont get it. No...Wait...SOME women dont get it. There are actually some women who can understand that there is a unique chemical reaction between male genophomes and dog drool. I wont bore you other females who are reading this with all the scientific facts and made-up words that I could post to show how this chemical reaction works.

Just be confident that its a "guy thing". Which in "guy talk" means its one of those "things" we put quotation marks around instead of trying to explain it and ultimately making ourselves look stupid. Its like...Spam. Just deal with it, because if you probe too deeply ...you'll just cringe, make that face that you usually reserve for using the bathroom after us... and walk away.

So I wanted a dog and by some quirk of fate I approached my wife at the exact moment that all the planets were aligned and she agreed to go the shelter with me. This was HUGE for me. It was the equivelant of coming home two hours late, drunk, on our anniversary, and the wife being agreeable to romance.

Taking full advantage and feeling a little bullet-proof I walked into the shelter and looked over the lot of poor orphaned canines. Within about two minutes I had settled on any one of 17 dogs, and my wife was glancing at her watch. I am a very smart man. I know what watch-glancing means. Thinking quickly I suggested that she go to the other side of the shelter and busy herself with looking at the cats while i made my final choice as to which dog would be awarded the name of "Rambo" or "Vasectomy" or any assortment of other names that strike fear in men's hearts.

Finally, I settled on a half doberman...half rottweiller...half tasmanian devil with a perpetual snarl and just the right amount of dog drool. (Yes I know that makes one and a half dogs...but he was REALLY big).

I went looking for my wife, and found her looking lovingly at a pair of cats that had been raised together by a poor old lady who had to give them up because she went into the nursing home.

Thinking we are on the same page, I looked at the pair and said..."Hey they would make a great snack for Vasectomy". (Yeah, she wasnt amused either)

So to make a long story short.....er....shorter. We are now the proud owner of two cats, neither which are named Rambo or Vasectomy. I wasnt happy at first, but again, I am a smart guy and the wife cooks my food. So I just smile at the cats and remain silent, unless I want to make my own lunch for a month. I mean, have you ever actually LOOKED at what is in Spam.

fansince'76
02-15-2009, 02:20 PM
So did you wind up taking "Vasectomy" home too, or no? :chuckle:

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 02:25 PM
So did you wind up taking "Vasectomy" home too, or no? :chuckle:

Refer to line one....I'm still in the "wanted" stage.

MACH1
02-15-2009, 03:05 PM
What you can do is just show up with a really cute puppy and tell your wife that it followed you home, can we keep it. :chuckle:

Nothing cuter than a little lab pup that eventually grows up into that big drooling dog. :laughing:

Hammer Of The GODS
02-15-2009, 03:05 PM
I feel for ya brother. I gave up my dog (Maximus) when my wife and I were married. I moved in with her because she owned her own house and I rented. Her house was a two bedroom "broom closet". In other words it was really small. No room for an 85 lb. Rott and Boxer mix. So I gave him to my friend who lived in the country. He is in a good home and he's happy. Meanwhile we have sinced moved to 3000 sq ft home with plenty of room for a dog. BUT we also have a new little Steeler fan brewing in the ol ladys belly, so the wife says I have to wait 2 more years to get a new best friend.

Nothing like coming home to your dog and have him dancing at your feet for just a scratch. He doesn't care where you been or who you were with. And if he smells another dog on you he just wags his tail faster because he's just happy as hell to see you. Try pullin that crap on your lady and you run the risk of being castrated!

Mans best friend indeed.


Excellent post by the way...........

KeiselPower99
02-15-2009, 03:17 PM
I always wanted a basset hound and found one at the local shleter during the summer. She is everything you could want in a hound. She sleeps all the time. I also have 3 cats that have the energy the dog is missing. I wouldnt trade any of em for anything.

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 03:25 PM
I always wanted a basset hound and found one at the local shleter during the summer. She is everything you could want in a hound. She sleeps all the time. I also have 3 cats that have the energy the dog is missing. I wouldnt trade any of em for anything.

I love basset hounds, those and beagles are my favorites. I have one cat named Abby... light tan-colored, long haired. What are your cats names?

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 03:31 PM
never again will i EVER live in the same house with a cat. people talk about how clean, and low maitenence cats are......BULLSH*T !!! keep telling youself that while your scooping that cat crap out of the litter box....the very same box that sits IN your house. there's nothing like finding cat hair all over your kitchen counters,and tables, because your cat decided he'd check to see if you left anything on them , right after he just got done taking a crap...not to mention it stands in its toilet, and i doubt they wash thier feet before they walk on the same counters you prepare your food. my personal favorite was stepping in cat hairball / puke.....:thumbsup:

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 03:32 PM
I love basset hounds, those and beagles are my favorites. I have one cat named Abby... light tan-colored, long haired. What are your cats names?

:couch:

Lexus & Willow....(I am so close to losing my "Dude" license)

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 03:33 PM
never again will i EVER live in the same house with a cat. people talk about how clean, and low maitenence cats are......BULLSH*T !!! keep telling youself that while your scooping that cat crap out of the litter box....the very same box that sits IN your house. there's nothing like finding cat hair all over your kitchen counters,and tables, because your cat decided he'd check to see if you left anything on them , right after he just got done taking a crap...not to mention it stands in its toilet, and i doubt they wash thier feet before they walk on the same counters you prepare your food. my personal favorite was stepping in cat hairball / puke.....:thumbsup:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

HometownGal
02-15-2009, 03:36 PM
Awwww LLT - that sucks, but ya know we women almost ALWAYS get what we want! :chuckle::wink02:

No one can resist the charms of a puppy! Just go out and get yourself one, bring him/her home and put him in the wife's arms - she'll melt!

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 03:37 PM
:couch:

Lexus & Willow....(I am so close to losing my "Dude" license)
sorry LLT....but you lost your man card, when you came home with cats instead of a dog...:doh: ...does your wife have your testicles dangling from her rearview mirror ??? :chuckle:

HometownGal
02-15-2009, 03:37 PM
never again will i EVER live in the same house with a cat. people talk about how clean, and low maitenence cats are......BULLSH*T !!! keep telling youself that while your scooping that cat crap out of the litter box....the very same box that sits IN your house. there's nothing like finding cat hair all over your kitchen counters,and tables, because your cat decided he'd check to see if you left anything on them , right after he just got done taking a crap...not to mention it stands in its toilet, and i doubt they wash thier feet before they walk on the same counters you prepare your food. my personal favorite was stepping in cat hairball / puke.....:thumbsup:

OMFG! :toofunny::toofunny::toofunny: I'm speechless here! :rofl:

sixstringlass
02-15-2009, 03:48 PM
A cat can save your life. True story, from just this morning:

My cat, Cajun, never comes in my bedroom, but he did this morning. He ran around the room and then bounded over the bed and then back out the door. Hubby woke up and said that I was going to be mad at my cat because he had shredded a new package of bagels right outside the bedroom door on the livingroom carpet.

I was annoyed. So, i got up and went to get the broom to clean up the mess where it started (on the kitchen linoleum) when I smelled heat and heard crackling. I looked up, and the chinmey had caught the wall on fire.

Well, a few minutes later, and it might have caught the ceiling and second-floor floor on fire, and we might have all died. So, my cat saved my life this morning, and very little damage was done.

I gave Cajun a can of tuna after the hubbub was all over. He rocks!

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 03:53 PM
never again will i EVER live in the same house with a cat. people talk about how clean, and low maitenence cats are......BULLSH*T !!! keep telling youself that while your scooping that cat crap out of the litter box....the very same box that sits IN your house. there's nothing like finding cat hair all over your kitchen counters,and tables, because your cat decided he'd check to see if you left anything on them , right after he just got done taking a crap...not to mention it stands in its toilet, and i doubt they wash thier feet before they walk on the same counters you prepare your food. my personal favorite was stepping in cat hairball / puke.....:thumbsup:

:jawdrop: lol . How can you say cats are not clean and not low maintenance??? They do their business in a liter pan..., and ALLS YOU HAVE TO DO is scoop out the poop and clean the box out and put fresh liter in there( as opposed to tip toeing around in the yard, in all kinds of weather searching for poop)...not difficult or that time consuming at all. And I put the box in the basement, in the laundry room. Cat hair on KITCHEN COUNTERS:shake01:?? What in the world is your cat doing walking all over the counters in the first place? :nono: .

Okay, I agree stepping in a hair ball/puke, especially with just socks on or in bare feet, is not very pleasant. But as far as I can see, that is the only draw back to having a cat.

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 03:54 PM
sorry LLT....but you lost your man card, when you came home with cats instead of a dog...:doh: ...does your wife have your testicles dangling from her rearview mirror ??? :chuckle:

See Note on "Vasectomy"

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 03:56 PM
A cat can save your life. True story, from just this morning:

My cat, Cajun, never comes in my bedroom, but he did this morning. He ran around the room and then bounded over the bed and then back out the door. Hubby woke up and said that I was going to be mad at my cat because he had shredded a new package of bagels right outside the bedroom door on the livingroom carpet.

I was annoyed. So, i got up and went to get the broom to clean up the mess where it started (on the kitchen linoleum) when I smelled heat and heard crackling. I looked up, and the chinmey had caught the wall on fire.

Well, a few minutes later, and it might have caught the ceiling and second-floor floor on fire, and we might have all died. So, my cat saved my life this morning, and very little damage was done.

I gave Cajun a can of tuna after the hubbub was all over. He rocks!



Very cool....when my cats save my life I may have a change of heart, But your right...your cat ROCKS!!!!:jammin:

sixstringlass
02-15-2009, 03:59 PM
Very cool....when my cats save my life I may have a change of heart, But your right...your cat ROCKS!!!!:jammin:

Yes, yes he does. I knew there was a reason I kept him. :applaudit:

MACH1
02-15-2009, 04:04 PM
( as opposed to tip toeing around in the yard, in all kinds of weather searching for poop) .



Nope...Don't have to do that here. :sofunny:

We have two labs and our "yard" is 2 1/2 acres with only about 3/4 acre of lawn. The rest is "native" landscaping :chuckle: The labs love the grass and learned not to crap where they play so they go out in the sagebrush to do their business.

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 04:11 PM
:jawdrop: lol . How can you say cats are not clean and not low maintenance??? They do their business in a liter pan..., and ALLS YOU HAVE TO DO is scoop out the poop and clean the box out and put fresh liter in there( as opposed to tip toeing around in the yard, in all kinds of weather searching for poop)...not difficult or that time consuming at all. And I put the box in the basement, in the laundry room. Cat hair on KITCHEN COUNTERS:shake01:?? What in the world is your cat doing walking all over the counters in the first place? :nono: .

Okay, I agree stepping in a hair ball/puke, especially with just socks on or in bare feet, is not very pleasant. But as far as I can see, that is the only draw back to having a cat.well gee i told the worthless orange bastard to stay off the furniture and counter tops, but it just seemed to ignore me.:doh: and if you DON'T have a heated / finished basement, your options are pretty limited to the placement of the shit box.

oh i forgot the 5:00 am wake up calls from the cat on our days off because , it thought it was starving to death, although it always had a bowl of dried food to munch on. this was not my cat. it was a package deal that came with a GF. i knew the very first day, we moved in together, me and the furball wasn't going to get along.....it took less than an hour for the cat to start testing out my semi new furniture as a scratching post. i plotted that bastards death for 5 years , but could never bring myself to do it.

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 04:12 PM
Nope...Don't have to do that here. :sofunny:

We have two labs and our "yard" is 2 1/2 acres with only about 3/4 acre of lawn. The rest is "native" landscaping :chuckle: The labs love the grass and learned not to crap where they play so they go out in the sagebrush to do their business.

Well, there ya go! Now that is a nice set up lol. :thumbsup:

steelerbackr4life
02-15-2009, 04:14 PM
We had 2 dogs (Springer Spaniells) b4 my daughters were born. They were great but 2 dogs and two babies in a 3 bedroom condo was tight.
We moved to our present home which is 3500 square feet and has a big yard. The dogs got to live out the rest of their days with room to romp.
Now we have a huge cat (22lbs) who thinks he is a dog he comes when you whistle for him and runs to the door when the bell rings. If our crazy hardly ever home lifestyle ever changes we will get another dog. Until then the insane over grown cat will have to do.

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 04:23 PM
well gee i told the worthless orange bastard to stay off the furniture and counter tops, but it just seemed to ignore me.:doh: and if you DON'T have a heated / finished basement, your options are pretty limited to the placement of the shit box.

oh i forgot the 5:00 am wake up calls from the cat on our days off because , it thought it was starving to death, although it always had a bowl of dried food to munch on. this was not my cat. it was a package deal that came with a GF. i knew the very first day, we moved in together, me and the furball wasn't going to get along.....it took less than an hour for the cat to start testing out my semi new furniture as a scratching post. i plotted that bastards death for 5 years , but could never bring myself to do it.

:evil: <--------Mr. Master of Puppets! lol

*Have you considered therapy? You seem to still have so much pent up anger against this ....'orange bastard'..as you so lovingly referred to him. lol

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 04:36 PM
:evil: <--------Mr. Master of Puppets! lol

*Have you considered therapy? You seem to still have so much pent up anger against this ....'orange bastard'..as you so lovingly referred to him. lol hell thats nothin compared to how i feel about my EX.......:chuckle:

devilsdancefloor
02-15-2009, 04:38 PM
i feel for ya! But like a few have said no one can refuse a puppy! Meet loki this is the look he wold give you once he figured out what "NO" meant. He is a baby for sure i dont go anywhere around the house with out him following me. When i recline in the lazy boy he hops up and lays between my legs to watch TV with me! The only time he doesnt sit with me is on game day!


http://img19.picoodle.com/img/img19/3/2/15/f_sadpuppy762m_9e9317e.jpg

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 04:39 PM
hell thats nothin compared to how i feel about my EX.......:chuckle:

LOL..So the 'orange bastard' wasn't the only problem, huh? What a nightmare that must have been for you. :hug:

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 04:41 PM
i feel for ya! But like a few have said no one can refuse a puppy! Meet loki this is the look he wold give you once he figured out what "NO" meant. He is a baby for sure i dont go anywhere around the house with out him following me. When i recline in the lazy boy he hops up and lays between my legs to watch TV with me! The only time he doesnt sit with me is on game day!


http://img19.picoodle.com/img/img19/3/2/15/f_sadpuppy762m_9e9317e.jpg

AWWWW.... that is the most adorable picture I have ever seen!!

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 04:57 PM
LOL..So the 'orange bastard' wasn't the only problem, huh? What a nightmare that must have been for you. :hug:pure hell....prison woulda been less stressful.

Godfather
02-15-2009, 05:01 PM
We are now the proud owner of two cats

This post is worthless without pictures.

Steelcitygal87
02-15-2009, 05:03 PM
pure hell....prison woulda been less stressful.

I'm sorry. :hug:

The Duke
02-15-2009, 05:27 PM
Dogs truly are the best thing ever, the drool, the hair, that look they give you. heck even the food.... I feel for ya man

I try to never date women that don't like pets. And I have a snake and a couple of tarantulas. They work great for breakups though :thumbsup:

I've always thought about getting a cat, but MOP's story just scarred me for life

MasterOfPuppets
02-15-2009, 05:38 PM
Dogs truly are the best thing ever, the drool, the hair, that look they give you. heck even the food.... I feel for ya man

I try to never date women that don't like pets. And I have a snake and a couple of tarantulas. They work great for breakups though :thumbsup:

I've always thought about getting a cat, but MOP's story just scarred me for life
was it the thought of the cat hangin out in the shit box, then walking on the food preperation areas, or the hairball / puke on your carpet / furnicher, that turned you off ???

stillers4me
02-15-2009, 05:44 PM
I feel for ya, LLT! Can't stand cats myself (they give me asthma and they know it). And when you see me on the net, you can be sure my precious pup is laying at my feet. Me loves the pups.

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 05:49 PM
I feel for ya, LLT! Can't stand cats myself (they give me asthma and they know it). And when you see me on the net, you can be sure my precious pup is laying at my feet. Me loves the pups.

You know....I am pretty sure science has "proven" ...that when a person is allergic to cats...if you get another one...they cancel each other out.

As your friend, I am willing to make a trade

...two adorable, lovable, incredibly interesting cats for your boring ol' puppy.

No need to thank me...just being a buddy.

tony hipchest
02-15-2009, 05:57 PM
well gee i told the worthless orange bastard to stay off the furniture and counter tops, but it just seemed to ignore me.:doh:

:toofunny::toofunny::toofunny:

hell thats nothin compared to how i feel about my EX.......:chuckle:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

stillers4me
02-15-2009, 06:02 PM
You know....I am pretty sure science has "proven" ...that when a person is allergic to cats...if you get another one...they cancel each other out.

As your friend, I am willing to make a trade

...two adorable, lovable, incredibly interesting cats for your boring ol' puppy.

No need to thank me...just being a buddy.

No, thanks! My poor baby would die of separation anxiety within a week!

lamberts-lost-tooth
02-15-2009, 06:04 PM
No, thanks! My poor baby would die of separation anxiety within a week!

You misunderstood...I wanted to trade for your dog......not the husband.

T.Richardson
02-15-2009, 10:50 PM
Dogs truly are the best thing ever, the drool, the hair, that look they give you. heck even the food.... I feel for ya man

I try to never date women that don't like pets. And I have a snake and a couple of tarantulas. They work great for breakups though :thumbsup:

I've always thought about getting a cat, but MOP's story just scarred me for life

I used to have a tarantula (Chilean Rose Hair) but, my mom made me give it away...:mad:

sixstringlass
02-16-2009, 12:43 AM
well gee i told the worthless orange bastard to stay off the furniture and counter tops, but it just seemed to ignore me.:doh:

This reminds me of this ad I found on Craigslist some time back:


Free to a Good Home

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-94074271@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Aug 29 07:33:54 2005


So I have this cat.

Actually itís my girlfriendís cat.

Actually we have two, a small grey tabby named T**** that is a blast to have around, and the ďother oneĒ.

Itís corpulent, bright orange and has medium length hair, so of course to me itís name has only ever been Fat Bastard.

(Iím not kidding, this cat is obese enough that itís gut leaves itís own trail in the middle of itís footprints after I vacuum the carpet, uniformly triangulating the food dish, the litter box, and the hammock it has steamrollered for itself in my underwear hamper)

Fat Bastard has a problem.

Itís very existence revolves solely around consuming anything organic.

I mean anything.

We canít have real plants anymore, not even cactus. (My girlfriend didnít laugh when I, tired of the green vomit, suggested Poinsettias)

We have all of the food stored in cupboards that have child locks on them.

Opening the fridge involves holding a broom. (Iíd love to teach the effer a lesson by trapping it in there for a little bit, but beyond the cessation of all sexual activity when my girlfriend finds out, Iím pretty sure this thing is as well-insulated as a walrus and Iíd only open the door and discover carnage, not to mention fuzzy rage propelling itself to freedom with one of itís signature exertion farts)

We have a bungee cord holding the lid on the trash can, which also happens to be attached to the wall to prevent, as my girlfriend calls it, ďaccidental tippingĒ.

Ordering pizza involves trapping it in a bedroom, then listening to it scratch furiously at the door as soon as it gets a whiff of oregano.

It drinks pop.

We canít walk away from the stove while preparing a meal, as even scalding hot pots and pans have proven no match for itís powerful, powerful lust.

I love bacon, yet itís become contraband since the ďincidentĒ. (Which my girlfriend still somehow regards as my fault, as if I encouraged the effing thing to snatch sizzling bacon right out of the pan, headfirst, then tear-ass around the house alternating between muted howling and ragged, gasping swallows.)

It has, on a number of occasions, snarfed an entire pack of cigarettes.

Christ, this cat has eaten soap that smelled like melon.

It was entertaining at first, playing the ďLetís see what we can get in thereĒ game, but when this effing beast blew right through wasabi, jalapenos, mustard, lemons, live grasshoppers, Skittles, and an extra-shot latte, I got the point.

Iím tired of having to treat simple food items like theyíre plutonium.

I miss having a bag of chips or a cold pizza on the coffee table while Iím watching the game.

Iím fed up with having to wait to do laundry because the basement has been fouled by a particularly rank dump.

Enough is enough.

If you want her, sheís yours. The girlfriend or the cat, itís your callÖ (Either way, you donít even have to get out of the car; Iíll just unwrap a Kraft single and throw it in the backseat.)

Please, help a guy outÖ
this is in or around the end of my rope

revefsreleets
02-16-2009, 09:29 AM
I have a Jack Russell Terrier. My girlfriend has a cat.

When I tell my JRT to come, he comes.
When I tell the cat to come, it just ignores me.

When I tell my JRT to sit, he sits.
The cat just looks at me.

When the dog tries to get on the table (and he can), I tell him to get down and he does.
The cat just looks at me.

When I sit down to watch TV, my dog curls up next to me and keeps me warm.
The cat goes and walks all over the table with it's litterbox shit covered paws.

There just is no comparison. Super clean dog that doesn't smell, listens, and dumps OUTSIDE versus smelly stupid cat that doesn't know it's name, won't listen, and could care less whaether I live or die? No contest.