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lamberts-lost-tooth
03-02-2009, 11:09 AM
I love my wife.

In fact I tell her all the time that,,,, "if sexy was a cookie...she'd be a double-stuff" ...and yes... she asked me if I was calling her "fat".

But I love her.

I have, however, after 17 years of marriage come to realize that loving someone and loving everything that someone does is too entirely different things.

Take her driving for instance. I'm not saying she is a bad driver...I'm saying she is a REALLY bad driver. In her defense, she has never tried to convince me of her driving prowess. In fact I would say that she is rather oblivious to her vehicular inadequacies.

There were small hints of her inabilities early in the marriage, such as the night that we were coming home late and she volunteered to drive because I was tired. I was blissfully on my way to the happy land of nod when the vehicle lurched and I heard a thump that came from somewhere UNDER the van. This is where my expertise as a police officer kicked in, and using all my deductive reasoning I bolted upright and sleepily asked..."WAAAWASDAT"!!!!

My wife just smiled and waved me away with the logical explanation that it was "Just one of the contruction barrels". I have never slept while she was driving again....ever. In fact I have spent those waking moments discovering some fun facts about our van. Like, did you know that the little handle to the upper rightside of the passenger seat is called the "hang-on-to-me-or-you-may-die strap"? Or that there is a visor on the drivers side with a mirror on it? This bothers me. I don't want sound like an old fud, but this seems to me to be just a tad bit dangerous. I distinctly recall learning somewhere in driver's education class that, to operate a car, you need to be able to see where the car is going, in case the need arises to...you never know... steer!!!

Now this is not an Indictment on all womens driving. I'm sure that the majority of you females reading this are wonderful drivers..moms...wives..multi-tasking goddesses, who of which it may be said...If sexy was a cookie...you would all be doublestuffs.

...and yes....those jeans make you look fat.

xfl2001fan
03-02-2009, 11:17 AM
HAHAHA

This is just awesome! My mom is an awesome driver (which isn't all that surprising when you consider that she's been driving big rigs for Ryder for just shy of 20 years.) My wife...she may have given your wife lessons...or it may be the other way around. Not sure.

This is one of those reasons why when we get into the car, I always end up in the drivers seat. It doesn't matter how tired, sore, sick I am...I'm better at 10% health than she is at 110%.

GBMelBlount
03-02-2009, 11:22 AM
Like, did you know that the little handle to the upper left of the passenger seat is called the "hang-on-to-me-or-you-may-die strap"?

We call that the "Holy shit!!!!!!!!!" grip.

revefsreleets
03-02-2009, 11:29 AM
Hmmmm....

I drive pretty much all the time. I have DEFINITELY observed that there are some pretty valid generalizations that are true when it comes to driving ability (or, more apropos, INability) along gender/racial lines.

But it's too politically incorrect to get into.

Lets just say that it's broken down by gender (yes, women, sorry, but IN GENERAL, the gaffes and stupid things I see on a day-to-day basis are probably committed by women at about a 3-1 ratio), and (without breaking it down), some races are definitely worse at driving than others...

MACH1
03-02-2009, 11:32 AM
We call that the "Holy shit!!!!!!!!!" grip.

:chuckle: Same thing as the "Oh shit" handle.

lamberts-lost-tooth
03-02-2009, 11:41 AM
We call that the "Holy shit!!!!!!!!!" grip.

LOL!!,,,I am not kidding....she can take a corner at velocities that would make an astronaut pass out from the g-force.

stlrtruck
03-02-2009, 12:00 PM
This made my day and while I will never, and I MEAN NEVER, EVER, show this thread to my wife - I will recall it on the brief moments that she actually gets behind the wheel of a car and I the passenger.

And as she sits in wonderment as to why I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt, I'll just wave her off and tell her, "Never mind, you wouldn't understand!"

kittenfantastico76
03-02-2009, 12:09 PM
LOL... I've always called that strap the " OH SH!T" Bar... or the "HOLD ON TO YA BUTT" bar.

lamberts-lost-tooth
03-02-2009, 01:48 PM
LOL... I've always called that strap the " OH SH!T" Bar... or the "HOLD ON TO YA BUTT" bar.

We called it the "sissy-bar" when I was a kid....but now that I'm married, it has taken on a more....um.....masculine...identity.