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lamberts-lost-tooth
06-10-2009, 10:31 AM
Hi. For those of you who dont know me, I am Dr. Spencer Wells. Lets get right down to todays Health chat.

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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: I believe your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it really fast. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp what I like to call "logistical efficiencies". What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. Sooooo a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the "goodness" that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, as I understand it...if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio should be one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: HELLO!!!!! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION?

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English kills you.

AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A good cigar in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, That Rocked! What a Ride!'

revefsreleets
06-10-2009, 10:37 AM
I also am pretty sure that if you eat fatty stuff, it helps the blood slide through your arteries with more ease.

lamberts-lost-tooth
06-10-2009, 10:43 AM
I also am pretty sure that if you eat fatty stuff, it helps the blood slide through your arteries with more ease.

Very good...You are beginning to understand proper nutritional properties

-Dr. Wells

revefsreleets
06-10-2009, 10:52 AM
I'm gonna go out and get me a pizza and eat the whole thing...with extra grease.

Yum!

lamberts-lost-tooth
06-10-2009, 10:59 AM
I'm gonna go out and get me a pizza and eat the whole thing...with extra grease.

Yum!

You'll live to be a 100.

Indo
06-10-2009, 04:19 PM
AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A good cigar in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, That Rocked! What a Ride!'

Amen