View Full Version : Sports Bar Guy....we have all seen him. How to annoy people at a Sports Bar

09-27-2009, 10:24 PM
1. Whatever you have to say, you must say it very loudly. If the entire bar cannot hear you, you had better reevaluate you goals.

2. Whenever possible, take a big bite of food before shouting. It is essential that you keep the food in the main part of your mouth and not tuck it into the cheek. This insures maximum spread and velocity when you imitate Bill Cowher with your cheeseburger.

3. It is absolutely essential to slap people on the back. Minimum of 4 backslaps for tablemates. Random backslapping on the way to the bathroom is highly recomended.

4. A minimum of one off color joke is mandatory. See rule #1 for delivery advice.

5. Don't let the entire bar suffer through the commentary on TV. You have two options for your commentary. A) Repeat everything the announcers say, but mess it up a little bit. Make sure to get a few statistics wrong. Every time someone falls down announce an injury. The more severe the better. B) Proudly display your utter lack of understanding of all things football. While option A is the safer way to go, option B will beat it every time in the hands of a skilled person. Your commentary should border on mentally handicapped. However, it is absolutely necessary that you deliver it with enough confidence to get at least 3 wanna be annoying people to echo your statements. Extra points if you get the occasional "yeah" "uhhuh" "thats right" or "exactly". Crowd participation I a huge factor in your rating.

6. While not absolutely necessary, the most annoying fans often pick a fight with a random person. Your target should appear meek, and must be minding his own business. Be careful of who you pick. Top notch fans never, ever, pick a fight with someone who may actually retaliate.

7. Find at least one, but as many as three women. You must be absolutely sure that they have zero interest in you. Repeatedly flirt with them. If the waitresses don't start avoiding your table, you have failed.

8. Find opportunities to spin quickly while holding your beer. Shoot for at least a two table spray effect. If you can't master the technique, simply fall down and pour your entire beer on one persons lap.

9. Be a fan of at least 6 teams. You must have an excuse to stay all day. Make sure to correct other so called fans if they talk about one of your teams.

10. Find a friend to bring along. The best sidekicks are 6-8 inches shorter than you. They should have some type of skin or teeth problem. Lanky, greasy hair is preferred. Their main function is to look at you with hero worship and assist in your commentary outlined in #5.

11. If you can't burp or fart at least every 8 minutes, you'll never be a true annoyance. Make a bit of a show of it. Lift your leg, lean sideways, and make a face. Smiling and bragging to your sidekick after you make people find seats farther away from you is acceptable.

12. If you haven't run off everyone near you yet, find ways to kick, nudge and bump into the seats around you. You can be as overt as you wish, but follow rules in step #6 to find the best targets.

13. Last but not least, you must throw a temper tantrum on your way out. While it is preferable that one your teams loses right before this, you may need to direct your anger at your waitress/ bartender/ or the owner. At a minimum you must throw your hat and knock over two chairs. Waving a fist over your head is also suggested. Slam the door on your way out if there is no bouncer. If there is a bouncer, you may threaten him. However, you may only threaten him after you are in your car and the car is moving. Try to cut someone off on your way out of the parking lot.

09-27-2009, 11:39 PM
You just described my suckhawk buddy to a T. Especially # 1 and after today it was :shout: PANIC ! :chuckle: