View Full Version : I am better than your kids
09-19-2010, 11:53 PM
this shit is hilarious....:toofunny:
check out both pages.
09-20-2010, 12:54 AM
That's good stuff....I'd kick his ass for bashing my daughters art though!
09-20-2010, 01:05 AM
That's good stuff....I'd kick his ass for bashing my daughters art though!
did you check out the video's and other content ?
09-20-2010, 01:31 AM
Lol....no not yet, I'll have to check those out tomorrow. My better half will surely get a kick out of them as well.
09-20-2010, 01:54 AM
some of his blogs / rants are pretty funny.....
Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking *****, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
1,590,631 People have sent me chain mail and have subsequently received beatings.
09-20-2010, 02:09 AM
OMG that's fvcking hilarious...and true...and sad, and laugh out loud funny.
Most guys only put up with this shit cause they want the vag. Then they go out and cheat. Same goes for guys too...I would never actually put up with a dude that literally thought to the lengths this one did (and yes, I know he's exaggerating for effect), he'd end up shot or "Lorena Bobbited"....but the standard remains, hundreds of thousands of women and men out there are complete asshats.
Thank you Dr. Phil and Oprah...you've warped the lot of us.
09-20-2010, 02:35 AM
this one here is funny as shit...
09-20-2010, 11:03 AM
:rofl: Tit curtains is the best one. I f-ing hate those damn things (though, they were great when I was actually pregnant).
This dude's hilarious. I :heart: him.
09-20-2010, 01:35 PM
:rofl: Tit curtains is the best one.
tit curtains for your "chest hams"... he does have an eloquent style.
09-21-2010, 07:45 PM
I discovered Maddox a long, long time ago. I am a major supporter and his articles literally had me howling. He's a pure internet genius and has one of the wittiest smack talk and mouth I've ever read. Plus, he's very smart which makes it funnier.
I'd suggest to pick up his book: The Alphabet of Manliness. It's possibly the funniest damn thing you'd read.
Go through the archives of his page. You won't be disappointed and time well spent. He's now on FaceBook and youtube putting videos together. He's without a doubt a bigtime sensation.
09-21-2010, 08:06 PM
I got the book in front of me. (The Alphabet of Manliness.) Here's some random lines right off the pages:
B is for Boners.
Is there a wrong time to pop a boner? Generally speaking, no. But things can get complicated during dentist appointments, funerals, and job interviews. I was at an interview one time, and I was describing myself to the interviewer, I got carried away with how awesome I am, and before I knew it, I was fully aroused. So what to do if you sprout a chubby at an un-appropriate time? Sometimes all you can do is wait it out, but until then, you need some good cover.
There are only two ways to conceal a boner. The right way, and the wrong way.
The right way to conceal a boner: The right way to conceal a boner is to cover it up with something. A newspaper, a jacket, or a family pet will do. If you don't have something to cover it with, simply go to the offensive when confronted. If a woman inquires, subtly suggest that perhaps she wants to be boned-- in the butt. Despite a woman's natural inclination towards boners, most women will find this proposition too direct and will not inquire further. If a guy inquires, simply use the following two-step procedure to diffuse the situation.
Step 1: Tell him that it just happens to be the way your pants are bunched up in the crotch area when you sit down. It's not unusual for pants to do this, so it's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Step 2: Run.
The wrong way: The wrong way to conceal a boner almost isn't worth mentioning because all men have tried it, and all men know it doesn't work. The method is simple: Just bend over. The problem with this technique is that bending over draws attention to you. You might as well stand on a chair and shout "Hey, look at me, I'm a f_cking psycho."
G is for GAS.
Have a spouse? I authorize to use the "Dutch Oven" technique. If you happen to be in bed sleeping with someone, what you do is drop the nastiest, juiciest broccoli fart under the covers. Then, while your partner is still sleeping, lift the covers over her head and then wait until the fart dissipates. (Figure 9.) He has a picture (which are PRICELESS BTW) of a man holding the covers over a woman's head and underneath it says:
Figure 9: Gently cover her head. If she wakes up, try to keep her head under the covers for at least 10 seconds. The struggling will cause her to take deep breaths, sucking in more of your noxious gas with every desperate gasp for fresh air.
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