View Full Version : How The Pittsburgh Steelers Spent Their Bye Week

10-11-2010, 02:33 PM
SATIRE — Ah, it’s bye week week here in Pittsburgh. A chance for Yinzers everywhere to give their livers a break on Sunday. The Steelers are 3-1, Big Ben is coming back, and Cleveland is in town next week for their annual beat-down. Life is good. But since it’s bye week, you may be wondering: What, exactly, do the players do with their time off?

Glad you asked. Because there are real men underneath those shoulder pads and helmets, leading ordinary lives just like you and me. Except they’re millionaires. (If you’re wondering what they did during last year’s bye week—and really, why shouldn’t you be?—click here.) This year, we had spies all over town to track some of the prominent Steelers players and other local sports and media figures. This is how they spent bye week 2010.

All-world safety Troy Polamalu spent the weekend modeling his million dollar hair on the runway at various fashion shows in Paris, Milan, Seoul, and New York City. Practice squad wideout Tyler Grisham tagged along, and a surreptitious photographer snapped a picture of him making out with Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady could not be reached for comment.

Formerly suspended Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger had a raucous weekend at his offseason home near Milledg—actually…no. That’s not correct. Roethlisberger spent the weekend working out at the team’s South Side practice facility. On Saturday night, he watched game film of the Browns while sipping on soda water, and fell asleep with his playbook in his lap.

Hines Ward embarked on his usual bye week tradition: Running around town with former Steeler Deshea Townsend, who was Ward’s training camp roommate for 11 years. The pair went jewelry shopping, and then caught up on local gossip while getting pedicures at Fahrenheit 212, the salon owned by another former Steeler, Mike Logan.

Long-snapper Greg Warren wore his authentic game jersey to downtown Pittsburgh on Friday afternoon, continuing his five-year quest to get recognized as a real member of the team. Although he wore both of his Super Bowl rings, most people figured he was one of those creepy guys who buys a custom Steelers jersey with his own last name across the back.

Punter Daniel Sepulveda traveled to Los Angeles to attend a publicity event for the Twilight movie series, where he ran into old flame Taylor Swift. It was awkward.

Drinking buddies Jeff Reed and Matt Spaeth had a low-key weekend, spending Saturday night at the Carnegie Library reading books, followed by a trip to Eat n’ Park for some pie and coffee.

Cornerback Bryant McFadden spent the weekend in hiding after giving up a last-minute touchdown in the Baltimore game; rumor has it he may soon be joined by Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury, who spoiled the opening weekend of the Consol Energy Center.

Meanwhile, opposite starting cornerback Ike Taylor vowed to wear pink gloves for the rest of his career, as he credits them for helping him hang onto an interception last week for the first time since in approximately four seasons.

FOX analyst and former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw spent the weekend bashing local legend Bill Mazeroski, saying on the FOX pregame show, “That guy could never have played in today’s major leagues. What is all the fuss about? He made his whole career off of one home run that barely even cleared the fence. If I were running that team, I would’ve traded him years before that.”

It’s no secret that linebacker Lamar Woodley is underpaid, still making a relatively paltry $550k per season under his rookie contract. With the lockout looming next year, he visited several financial analysts in the city, and reports indicate he is in dire straits after investing a large chunk of his money with Lenny Dykstra.

You may think that Vikings versus Jets on Monday Night Football was the biggest showdown of the weekend, but you’d be wrong. Black ‘n’ gold heavyweights Casey Hampton and Flozell Adams engaged in an epic 15-round battle at Ponderosa, which was so compelling that it may soon be airing on ESPN Classic.

A couple of former Steelers were in town, including Willie Parker, whose famous speed is now so far gone that it took him nearly an hour to walk from Mario’s Saloon to Piper’s Pub in the South Side, where he ran into former Penn State running back Larry Johnson.

Speaking of old running backs, former Steeler Duce Staley is now working as a greeter at the Rivers Casino. He reported that Pirates owner Bob Nutting blew over $800k in a weekend-long poker tournament, but Nutting claimed that “most of it” was his own money, and not part the huge profit windfall he makes with the Pirates every year.

Jerome Bettis, another old running back who once shared the backfield with Staley and Parker, was spotted on his laptop at Crazy Mocha on the North Side, working on his Sports Illustrated column. Lesser-known columnist Peter King was at the next booth over, doing the same thing.

Finally, in perhaps the most stunning news story of the weekend, former Pirates manager John Russell was briefly detained in the Allegheny County Jail after he was cited for disturbing the peace. Witnesses reported that Russell was being especially loud, abrasive and obnoxious in a public movie theater, for no apparent reason at all. GM Neal Huntington could not be reached for comment.

Very amusing


10-11-2010, 03:21 PM
gimme back my 3 min i waisted reading this CRAP :banging: :banging:

10-11-2010, 03:31 PM
I thought the Greg Warren part was funny :P

10-11-2010, 04:12 PM
gimme back my 3 min i waisted reading this CRAP :banging: :banging:

it took you 3 minutes?

10-11-2010, 04:33 PM
Wow. That was... extremely unfunny.

Fire Arians
10-11-2010, 04:52 PM
had potential but failed

10-11-2010, 06:44 PM
Huh? I'm still curious.

10-11-2010, 07:06 PM
There was potential? :noidea:

Fire Arians
10-11-2010, 09:27 PM
There was potential? :noidea:

maybe if they said kordell stewart got caught in the bathroom with ben, it'd be funny :chuckle: