PDA

View Full Version : The Greatest Story Ever Told


Wallace108
03-27-2011, 01:18 AM
What’s the greatest story ever told? I don’t know … we haven’t told it yet.

I'm sure some of you have seen some version of this. For those who haven't, we tell a story a few sentences at a time using SF members as characters (only those who participate in telling the story can be added as characters). One poster stops mid-sentence, and the next poster continues the story from where the previous poster left off.

Will it be a comedy? An adventure? A horror story? More than likely, it will be a little bit of everything. But hopefully it will be fun and help pass the time during the offseason. Anyone is welcome to join in (the more participants the better), but please read the rules before doing so.

Rules:
1. Real-life people (such as Charlie Sheen) can be added as characters to the story at any time, but SF members will be the main characters. Only SF members who participate in telling the story can be added as characters.
2. Try to keep posts to a few sentences.
3. You can't post again until someone else posts.
4. You have to end in mid-sentence.
5. You have to pick up where the previous poster left off. You can't go off on some crazy tangent and completely derail the story.
6. Characters can’t be in two places at once. If Character A is talking to Character B in a bar, don’t have Character A suddenly pop up somewhere else. If you want the character somewhere else, you have to move him/her there.
7. Don't interrupt the story by commenting or posting other stuff. If you want to comment on the story or ask a question about something that happened, please do so in red text.

Things to consider:
1. Don’t just focus on action. Just like a real story, describe scenes, how characters are feeling, etc.
2. Don’t rush the story. If characters are in Pittsburgh and traveling to California, don’t have them get there in three posts. Make the trip an adventure.
3. Once an SF member contributes to the story, he/she can be introduced into the story as a character. I’ll keep a running list of eligible characters at the end of this post. Anyone can introduce an eligible character into the story in any way they want.
4. Although we’re using our names as characters, we’re not actually in the story. So don’t say “we” or “us.” For instance, if Wallace108 is a character and I’m making a post, I’m going to say “Wallace108 poured himself a beer,” not “I poured myself a beer.”

*If any of the rules are broken and the story gets derailed, I’ll reset the story to the previous post.
*If two people post at the same time, the first post that shows up is the one that counts.

This might sound confusing, but it’s really not. After a few posts, it’ll make sense.

CHARACTERS
Wally (Wallace108)
Buddha (Buddha Bus)
Mach (MACH1)
B-Dub (BGSU A Dub)
MoP (MasterOfPuppets)
Truck (stlrtruck)
BigRick ... not introduced yet
Va (VASTEELER)
SiCA (SteelersinCA) ... not introduced yet

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 01:19 AM
Wally was sitting on his couch watching a rerun of The Golden Girls, just as he did every Friday night. He took another sip of Busch Light when his phone rang. “Who could be calling this late at night?” he grumbled to himself. He got up off the couch and …

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 01:35 AM
... picked up the receiver to find Buddha Bus on the other end. Buddha said, "Hey Creepy Uncle! Did you see the hot ass outfit Rue McClanahan was wearing tonight? She is one fine mamma-jamma of an elderly cougar that one!". Wally agreed and said, " I would bang the dust off that mummified poonanner anyday! If I could just have 5 minutes with ol' Blanche I would...

MACH1
03-27-2011, 01:44 AM
lick her belly button from the inside. Then I would

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 01:44 AM
... make her a golden girl in a whole different way." Wally paused, wondering if he hadn't been too inappropriate. No, he knew his good friend Buddha understood the lure of an older woman. So he continued. "Buddha, I was thinking ...

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 01:47 AM
... do you think Estelle Getty is outta my league?" To which Buddha replied, "Absolutely! A woman that fine and aged is way beyond the likes of a mere mortal such as you!" Wally, saddened by this revelation replied, "I just wish that once in my life...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 01:58 AM
I could hook up with a woman who is aged like fine wine." Buddha tried to hold back his laughter, but he couldn't do it. Laughing, he said, " You sicko! Quit being so picky. You know your only requirement is a heartbeat. But forget about your sick obsessions for now. I've got something important to tell you. I ...

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 02:03 AM
... was once a 90 year old woman myself. I can no longer contain this secret. It has haunted me since that fateful day in October of 1947 when I had the operation. I hope this shocking news doesn't alter our friendship irreparably. I only tell you this because I...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 02:08 AM
need you to tell me something. The other day, you were talking about your friend, Mach. What you said has really been bothering me. Did you mean it when you said ...

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 02:14 AM
... that he was really a transsexual billy goat from Uranus? I can't even begin to wrap my head around a space traveling, barnyard trannie-nanny! That shit is too crazy to...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 02:23 AM
... wrap my head around. But you've never lied to me before." Wally thought about what to say next. Could he tell Buddha everything he knew? "Listen, Buddha, it's late. I don't feel like getting into this now. Let's meet at the bar tomorrow night and I'll tell you everything I know about Mach." Buddha wanted the truth now, but he agreed to wait. "OK, tomorrow night. But you need to tell me everything. I'll see you tomorrow." Buddha hung up the phone and ...

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 02:27 AM
... went back to his beer drinking and self-gratification. He had known no lover better than himself. He picked up the bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care and went to work on his...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 03:46 AM
chapped lips. He had read in Cosmopolitan magazine that Vasoline helped heal chapped lips. So after some self-gratification and lip therapy, he headed to bed. It was going to be a big day tomorrow.

Across town, Wally closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep. He dreaded telling Buddha what he knew about Mach. But it had to be done. Finally, he drifted off to sleep and ...

Buddha Bus
03-27-2011, 08:49 AM
... dreamt of frolicking merrily in a rainbow bordered meadow of tulips with unicorns and kitty cats.

All of a sudden, a vision of Tiny Tim appeared high above the rainbow in the sky. He spoke warningly, "Wallace, you must be very careful when revealing the secrets of MACH. You know not what kind of destruction and devastation could be unleashed on the world if highly sensitive and disturbing confidential information of this nature is exposed to a twisted and sick individual such as Buddha Bus. He may finish going completely insane and wreak havoc across the lands! He may even be powerful enough to cheat death and become one of the living dead to continue on his path of the annihilation of the human race! Now have fun tiptoeing through the tulips and heed my warning! TOODLE-OO!!!"

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1MBzLZE6OyQ/SvGQpg_uo2I/AAAAAAAAAHk/WB-j0uMs_I0/s200/Tiny-Tim.jpg

Wally's knees felt weak and he collapsed into a pile of Hello Kitty pillows and....

BGSU A Dub
03-27-2011, 01:20 PM
began to think about how bad Tiny Tim looked. Wally could tell that Tiny Tim was on another 20 day bender. Life had took a turn for the worse for Tiny Tim ever since he walked in on Scrooge having sex with his girlfriend. Wally then wondered to himself: "Should I really...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 01:51 PM
be dreaming about Tiny Tim? Finding the Golden Girls sexy is one thing, but dreaming about Tiny Tim is a little too disturbing." With that, Wally's eyes popped open. His face was covered in sweat. He looked at the clock on his nightstand and saw that it was 11:23 in the morning. He had a restless night of strange dreams, but the day ahead of him figured to be even stranger. He got out of bed ...

MasterOfPuppets
03-27-2011, 01:59 PM
farted and scratched his balls . he then tripped over a shoe , muttered something at the cat , walked to the kitchen , opened the fridge and pulled out....

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 02:30 PM
a Busch Light. That's how he started off every day. The Breakfast of Chumpions. He wondered what he had gotten himself into. How was he going to tell Buddha everything he knew about Mach? He decided that the best thing to do would be to talk to the one person who knew even more than he did ... the person responsible for everything. He drank down the Busch Light, got dressed, and left to go see his old friend, B-Dub, who was ...

MasterOfPuppets
03-27-2011, 03:00 PM
currently a resident at a mental institution.
Bdub used to be a normal everyday 9 to 5 joe sixpack until a combination of things pushed him and his life spiraling out of control until the mental strain proved to be to much. it all started in febuary, right after the steelers lost to green bay in the superbowl. Bdub and a few friends sat at the local watering hole ....

MACH1
03-27-2011, 03:24 PM
wishing they could get some of that golden girl cottage cheese. And then they were all discussing how small their ....

stlrtruck
03-27-2011, 06:16 PM
minds had become since they started smoking the hidden stash of Smokin's Colubian Gold! As the discussion continued, they ate their food, feeling queasy over their meal, they looked back to the chef on duty and all they could make out was the name tag...TRUCK! Slowly they could feel life as they knew it begin...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 06:47 PM
to change. Whatever it was that chef Truck put in their food, it began to alter their minds. They began to understand laws of the universe that no other mortals even knew existed. B-Dub's friends, who were exposed to Truck's mind-altering plate of knowledge, couldn't handle the power they had been given. Once by one, they committed suicide, leaving B-Dub alone to deal with the power he had consumed. It didn't kill him, but it drove him mad. He was eventually locked in the mental institution. And that's where he met MoP. In the institution, they called him the Master of Puppets, but he was really ...

stlrtruck
03-27-2011, 07:25 PM
the Master of Pron. By subverting his pron collection through the closed circuit television of the institution he was able to get all it's residents to fall under his commands. MoP, the lost cousin of Buddha, was able to gain inside information on...

Wallace108
03-27-2011, 09:51 PM
a secret society. They were called Mind Benders, but very few people ever heard of them. And of those who did, very few lived to tell about them. But MoP had heard stories of their existence, and when he first met B-Dub in the institution, he began to learn that there was some truth behind the stories. And what he learned ...

BigRick
03-27-2011, 11:22 PM
that Roger Goodell was a high ranking secret member of this society. He need to tell someone but didn't

BGSU A Dub
03-27-2011, 11:31 PM
because the pain was just too much to handle. B Dub and MoP knew they needed to do something, and fast, but they were stuck in the mental institution and the food did not provide them enough energy to rebel or break out. So MoP and B Dub made a plan, they decided to...

Wallace108
03-28-2011, 12:00 AM
try and make contact with a Mind Bender. He was another patient in the institution. It was possible he was just crazy. But it was also possible that he was telling the truth. So on a cool October day in 2009, B-Dub and MoP picked up their oatmeal in the cafeteria and walked over to a slim man sitting alone. They placed their bowls of oatmeal on the table and sat down across from him. MoP spoke first: "Hey, Mach. We need to talk to you. What ...

MACH1
03-28-2011, 12:06 AM
edit

BGSU A Dub
03-28-2011, 12:08 AM
is the price of donuts in Spain this time of year?" MoP knew he had to speak in tongues so that Mach didn't write him off right away and also so the institution staff couldn't understand what was being said. Mach immediately knew what these 2 gentlemen were there to do, and he had the perfect answer for them. This was the moment he had been waiting for. Mach replied, "Last I knew,

Wallace108
03-28-2011, 12:24 AM
there was some crazy shit that was about to go down. I know why you two want to talk to me. I have answers to questions you haven't even thought of yet. You ... the silly looking one on the left, your name is B-Dub, right?" B-Dub shook his head in confirmation. Mach continued: "Your old college buddy, Wally, is going to visit you a few years from now after you get out of here. He's going to be asking about me. I want you to tell him everything I'm going to tell you now. But he's not to tell anyone else. Understand?" Again, B-Dub shook his head in confirmation. MoP just continued to eat his oatmeal, and pretend that he wasn't really paying attention. But he was. And he listened intently to every word of Mach's story. One day, MoP thought, this information would be priceless. ...

Wally pulled into the driveway of a ranch-style house. He hadn't talked to his old buddy B-Dub in a long time. And he felt awkward just dropping ...

BGSU A Dub
03-28-2011, 12:39 AM
by without calling first. Wally was coming to talk to B Dub about a very serious issue and did not give him any warning. Wally had no clue what kind of state B Dub would be in and began to wonder if he made a mistake by coming. Thought began racing through his head: "Would talking about Mach and the mental institution be too much for B Dub to handle and cause him to break? " "Would B Dub remember who Wally was?" "Would B Dub even want to talk to him?" Wally started to get incredibly nervous so he cracked open a Busch Light to calm himself. After downing 5, he found himself at a crossroad...

Wallace108
03-28-2011, 02:37 AM
... should he risk sending B-Dub over the edge? Or should he just lie to Buddha? He could always just go back home and put in Season 1 of the Golden Girls, wrap himself up in his snuggie, and forget everything that had happened. But Betty White would have to wait ... there was too much at stake. He drank the last sip of his Busch Light, got out of the car, and ...

BGSU A Dub
03-28-2011, 03:38 AM
fell flat on his face. It was at this moment that he realized that having 14 Busch Lights while sitting in a car jamming out to Mariah Carey may not have been the best idea. Wally then picked himself up off the pavement and...

vasteeler
03-28-2011, 11:27 AM
reached for his 15th busch light. after downing his 15th his thoughts became a little clearer. he quickly ejected the mariah cary cd and popped in his favorite justin beiber cd. after a few minutes of listening to JB he was so caught up in his fantasy that he didnt eve notice.......

SteelersinCA
03-28-2011, 11:41 AM
VASteeler running down the street naked with his hair on fire. Behind him there were a dozen or so scantily clad women chasing him wielding all sorts of different kitchen utensils; rolling pins, spatulas, wooden spoons, a mixer and Wally even spotted a toaster. Wally rolled down the window, leaned his head out and yelled....

Wallace108
03-28-2011, 11:43 AM
edit

Wallace108
03-28-2011, 11:49 AM
"Hey, dude, what the hell are you doing?" The naked Va stopped at the end of the driveway, but the women kept running by. All but one. She was the least attractive woman of the bunch. Wally got out of the car. As he cautiously approached the two strangers, he saw that the woman was actually a long-haired man wearing a bikini. "Who the hell are you guys?" Wally asked. The man wearing the bikini replied, "My name is MoP. And this naked freak is my associate, Va. Several years ago I was told by a wise man that you would be coming here. You're in great danger. Don't ...

SteelersinCA
03-28-2011, 11:58 AM
stop looking at my banana hammock. Keep staring right at it Wally. As Wally gazed intently at MoP's thong bikini bottom, he wondered, "Where can I get one of these? It looks so comfortable." He asked MoP, "Do you have another thong? I'd really enjoy wearing one." MoP knew Wally would ask him that, that was part of the conversation they had years ago. MoP motioned to Adub, Adub nodded and reached into a nearby bush and...

stlrtruck
03-28-2011, 12:12 PM
to Wally's surprise there was even a picture of Justin Beiber on the front of his new banana hammock. But Wally didn't have time to change, he knew he needed to get inside and talk to B Dub. As VA and MoP slowly trotted, Wally entered B Dub's house, he found B Dub in a trance, chanting, "Chef named Truck, chef named Truck, chef named Truck" and with that Wally.....

vasteeler
03-28-2011, 04:35 PM
was really regretting that 15th busch light. he didnt know what in the hell was going on. between the bannana hammock, dozens of naked ladies(and one man) chasing a burning VA and bdubs relentless babble it had gotten so confusing. suddenly Mop slaps wally across the face and says " wake up man , you really need to hear this.......

Buddha Bus
03-28-2011, 05:25 PM
.... story of a troubled, conflicted soul named MACH. As you already know, MACH is a transsexual billy goat from Uranus. That is, surprisingly, not the strangest part of the story.

He foretold to me several months ago that I would have this encounter with you and that I was to tell you a cautionary tale of impending doom. An ending of which can be altered, if the "Creepy One" were warned and acted upon this troublesome omen. That "Creepy One"... is you, Wallace! You are mankind's only hope for salvation.

MACH told you of his... er.... "condition" as a Uranusian, tin can-eating, cud-chewing, billy goat trapped in a man's body with female genitalia and moobs. What he didn't tell you is how he became that way. He was abducted as a small kid (:wink02:) by....

BGSU A Dub
03-28-2011, 08:29 PM
two Uranusians: Sam Cassell and Charlie Villanueva.
http://www.carolinawatercooler.com/cassell.jpg
http://www.whynotad.com/_mm/_d/_ext2/66441/big_Charlie%20Villanueva01.jpg

Mach withheld this information from mankind because of the...

Buddha Bus
03-28-2011, 08:53 PM
... terrifying resemblance they bear to Drac from "Enemy Mine".


http://www.explore-science-fiction-movies.com/images/reptilian-aliens-enemy-mine-drac-2.jpg


He did not want to cause xenophobic panic in the streets and worldwide chaos and rioting from the fear of alien invasion if he were to reveal that they were Uranusians. These two both bore Uranusian names. Cassell was born Klurg ik-Bak Bak and Villanueva was known as Shirley Dingleflipper. The two horribly disfigured beings snatched MACH in the dead of night from his hay-filled pen as he was trying on frilly crotchless, edibles panties. They hurriedly whisked him away to...

Wallace108
03-29-2011, 01:38 AM
a secret location where they tried to discover who he had passed along the knowledge to. Mach is a transsexual billygoat from Uranus, but he looks human because of experimental cross breeding. And he developed human emotions. He came here to warn us of our impending doom. He created a list of candidates who might be able to stop the Uranusians. You're a chosen one, Wally, but there are others. With the help of a chef named Truck, Mach created a special meal called the Plate of Knowledge, which they served to the candidates. The chosen ones gained the knowledge. The others were driven mad." MoP paused to allow everything he had said to sink in. Wally took a glance over at B-Dub, who was ...

BGSU A Dub
03-29-2011, 02:13 AM
sleeping. How could B Dub be sleeping at a time like this? Wally was baffled at what he was seeing from his old friend. In college, Wally and B Dub used to stay up all hours of the night drinking beer and discussing the meaning of life. They were about to find all the answers they ever searched for and B Dub was passed out. Wally thought weighed his options about what he should to do and he decided to...

Wallace108
03-29-2011, 02:27 AM
... go in the kitchen and grab another beer. He was getting too much blood in his alcohol system. While he was gone, MoP turned to Va and said, "We might be in trouble. The fate of the world is in the hands of ...

BGSU A Dub
03-31-2011, 06:52 AM
the internet. Without the internet, the epic saga wouldn't exist. MoP says to VA, "If the internet goes down, so does our chances of us figuring this whole thing out". VA replies "Don't worry, I got this. I know who we need to talk to. The one person that can help us out in a time of need. The person that we can turn to when all else is failing. The name of this person is..."



I had to put a plug in about the downage of the message board for a bit :chuckle:

stlrtruck
03-31-2011, 10:01 AM
Jack Lambert! He was pre-destined to lead us all, just as he lead the Steel Curtain Defense!" MoP warned Va, "Lambert lives out in the woods and to get him you'll need to....

vasteeler
03-31-2011, 11:23 AM
put on a skirt high heels and a bra. at first Va was uncomfortable with the idea but when he put the items on he felt at home. MOP couldnt seem to take his eyes off of Va and struggled to remember why they were here. "get yourself together man" Va shouted but his pleas landed on deaf ears. Mop just stood there with his mouth open and eyes wide. Va started to blush but quickly realize MOP was really staring at.....

BGSU A Dub
04-01-2011, 04:05 AM
Wally. Wally had returned from the kitchen and had the box of the case he finished while he was in the kitchen fashioned into a some sort of tribal helmet. Wally began to speak in slurred words, he clearly had reached his limit of drinks and began to stumble about. After a few minutes of rambling, Wally was able to compose himself long enough to say "You guys won't believe what I found in B Dub's kitchen, it was....

stlrtruck
04-01-2011, 08:36 AM
some leftover's from Flo's Diner! I thought that was just a show!" Wally, being intoxicated, had already had a few bites before MoP could stop him. Slapping :smack: Wally into sobriety, MoP explained to him, "This food can only do one of two things, but I don't know the consequences of having leftovers. It is my understanding...

Buddha Bus
04-01-2011, 10:24 AM
... that they can leave you in a state of zombie-like incapacitation, help you to see your path or make you wish with extreme enthusiasm that you had hit the Mickey D's drive-thru." Wally belched, heaved, stared off into the distance in a trance-like state and then something strange started to happen. He began seeing visions of....

stlrtruck
04-01-2011, 10:32 AM
an NFL without Goodell, a league where players like Tom Brady stood on the sidelines in skirts and held pom--poms while the real men played the sport like gladiators. For what seemed like hours Wally didn't blink, and the visions became clear he knew....

Buddha Bus
04-01-2011, 10:40 AM
... that the cardboard Busch Light 12-pack undies he was wearing were riding up his ass crack something fierce and paper cutting his turd cutter a bit, but he ignored the pain and concentrated on the vision.

He began seeing a world where football used to be an actual contact sport, like his ancestors from long ago played. Where men were men and the women wore go-go boots. He then saw the path he must travel. A man dressed in all black appeared before him shrouded shadow. The mystery man pulled back his hood from his Undertaker Ministry robe to reveal...

stlrtruck
04-01-2011, 12:23 PM
Mean Joe Greene! Wally began to tremble. He knew he was in the presence of greatness. However, he couldn't control himself and...

Buddha Bus
04-01-2011, 12:38 PM
... pissed every last drop of Busch Light into his cardboard undies. Thankfully, it was no loss.

As Wally trembled in the presence of greatness, Mean Joe leaned forward and whispered, "Follow the sixes." He then bellowed a sinister laugh and vanished in a cloud of smoke.

Wally snapped out of his standing coma and collapsed in a heap on the ground. MOP and VA quickly ran to Wally's side and brought him around. MOP asked, "What did you see, Wally?"

Wally quickly told them of his vision and the words of Mean Joe. They all looked puzzled and didn't know what to make of it. VA said,"We need to gather some hiking gear and find Jack Lambert. Hopefully, he'll have some insight."

With that the trio...

stlrtruck
04-01-2011, 03:12 PM
started off towards the deep woods of PA in hopes of finding one Mr. Jack Lambert. After beginning walking about 2 miles Wally remembered, "Damn it, my car was parked outside your house!" So they walked back, packed their stuff into Wally's Toyota Prius, and began heading down the highway. However, MoP, B-Dub and VA were disturbed as Justin Beiber resonated through the speakers. Within seconds MoP had destroyed all Mariah Carey and JB CDs and replaced them with his own mix of Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, and Metallica. As they were driving down the road, MoP announced, "I've secretly....

Buddha Bus
04-01-2011, 07:21 PM
... replaced your regular coffee with Folger's crystals." To which B-Dub replied, " I wondered what tasted like ass and believe me, I know what ass tastes like!" After everyone was done spitting and pouring out the Folger's swill with MOP laughing maniacally, they continued on their drive with the sounds of "War Pigs" blaring in the background.

They traveled for hours into the deep boonies of the Western PA woods stopping only for VA to sit down to pee. He had a childhood mental problem that wouldn't allow him to stand as a normal man. The others would just refill Wally's resealable plastic bottles of Busch Light as he polished them off. They were making good time when suddenly a large, hairy, ape-like beast bounded out of the woods and forced them to swerve off the road and come to a stop.

"Oh my God!', exclaimed B-Dub. "I think that was a Bigfoot!"

MOP interjected, "It is a creature very similar to a Bigfoot, but it is something much more frightening. It's a BigRick!"

Wally tried to fire the Prius back up but it was no good. The 30 AAA batteries had died. "F*cking Eveready my ass!", screamed Wally. Just then, the BigRick pounced onto the hood of the "car" and...

stlrtruck
04-02-2011, 12:12 AM
screamed at the top of his lungs, "I know the one you seek! But you've got to get passed me if you want to know his true location. So which one of you boys will it be first. Wally, B-Dub, VA, and MoP looked at each other and with fear trembling through their veins, the back door opened and...

Wallace108
04-03-2011, 07:21 AM
... MoP stepped out. The BigRick took a look at the long-haired Adonis standing there in his bikini and was mesmerized, or maybe appalled. "Listen up, you hairy beast," MoP said. "I'm the Master of Puppets, and you're going to listen to me. We need your help. I want you to ...


I just noticed that I can no longer edit my first post, so I won't be able to add new characters (if anyone joins in). Unless Mom does it for me (hint, hint). The only character yet to be introduced is SiCA.

stlrtruck
04-03-2011, 08:28 AM
shave the likeness of Jack Lambert in my hairy back. And it needs to be dead pin balls accurate!" With that MoP sat on a nearby stump and BigRick began shaving Lambert into his back. Wally, B-Dub, and VA were astonished that BigRick would easily became ensnared in MoP's mind control. A tedious 45 minutes later...

Wallace108
04-03-2011, 08:46 AM
... Wally finally said, "MoP, is your grooming session over yet? We've got serious work to do. We need to find Jack Lambert. And I still need to meet Buddha later. But damn! That's a great likeness of Lambert you got shaved into your man sweater." Va stood up from the stump he was sitting on and said, "Wally's right. We need to get moving. Where do we go from here, BigRick?" The hairy beast thought for a few seconds and then ...

stlrtruck
04-03-2011, 09:59 AM
shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know he quipped!" I know this, walk through that forest up the road for 3 days time and Lambert will find you. But I warn you...

Buddha Bus
04-03-2011, 10:17 AM
... there is a homicidal evil wizard who guards those woods. He goes by the name SiCA and is not to be trifled with lightly. He will attempt to thwart your plans through trickery and black magic and kill you just for shits and giggles. Here, you may want to take this lock of my ass hair for protection. It won't completely keep you safe, but the stench should help to keep him somewhat at bay."

Wally grabbed a steel reinforced Ziploc baggie and stepped forward to retrieve the foul follicles and his face instantly twisted into shapes he never thought imaginable from the odor.

http://blogs.wroq.com/files/2010/07/14feb6-bitter-beer-face.jpg

"UGH! What died in your ass crack, BigRick?!?", Wally cried. "That is some seriously potent funk!" Wally placed the horrible hairs into the baggie and zipped it shut. When he was done, he found that his face was stuck in a frozen grimace of olfactory pain. "Great! Now my face is stuck!"

To which VA replied, "Oh I don't know Wally. I think it's an improvement."

Wally's disfigured and contorted face became red with rage and he...

BGSU A Dub
04-03-2011, 03:55 PM
slugged down a few more "beers" to ease his pain. Wally proclaimed "These are the best Busch Lights I've ever had, and they are going down very easily, we may have to stop at the local Circle K to get some more". MoP, VA, and B Dub snickered and assured Wally that they would take care of his beer situation.

The group decided that it wasn't going to be possible to take Wally's car the rest of the way because Wally forgot AAA batteries and his battery charger. They then decided how they were going to proceed. They decided....

Buddha Bus
04-03-2011, 05:59 PM
... they would dress B-Dub up in a Catholic school girls uniform and have him flag down a passing pervert to hitch a ride with. B-Dub had always fantasized about doing something like this, so he was very excited about the opportunity to do so.

He slipped into his plaid skirt and knee high stockings and sauntered to the side of the highway, hiking the skirt up to show off his Brazilian waxed thighs. After about 1 hour and 45 minutes of "showing his goods" to the few motorists that traveled on this remote and virtually deserted stretch of road, a large, smoke-belching semi lurched ominously to a stop on the side of the road. An immediate sense of fear and foreboding washed over the cross-dressing fellowship.

As B-Dub slinked over to the cab of the rig, the passenger side door slowly opened like the jaws of a hungry mythical beast and....

stlrtruck
04-04-2011, 12:39 AM
as B-Dub peeked in to the cab, empty cans of Busch Light rolled out on to the ground. Quickly Wally pushed B-Dub out of the way, leaped into the cab, as he looked frantically throughout the truck for more Busch Light, it finally dawned on Wally...

steelerdude15
04-04-2011, 12:40 AM
that he was a Busch Light nut and was out and wanted more. He asked B-Dub for a little favor, which would have B-Dub doing...

stlrtruck
04-04-2011, 12:53 AM
hand tricks for the driver. But when B-Dub got in the cab to help Wally, he realized the driver was a female. She looked at B-dub through her grizzly eye lashes, and in her manly voice ushered, "

Buddha Bus
04-04-2011, 04:30 AM
.... You sure do have a pretty mouth, girlie. Now why don't you just take that skirt off and make yer boyfriend squeal like a pig fer me?"

B-Dub and Wally knew they had made a horrible misstep and started screeching like a 3 year old with a skinned knee. Wally curled up into a fetal position and started cuddling and licking as many of the empty cans of Busch Light as his tender embrace could manage for comfort like Linus with his blanket.

B-Dub began doing a sultry striptease that would put Elizabeth Berkley to shame saying, "I'll do whatever you command. Just... p-p-p-please don't tear my granny panties!", as tears and mascara rolled down his trembling cheeks.

The female truck driver let out a manly laugh and replied,....

stlrtruck
04-06-2011, 12:44 PM
You pansy! This isn't about you, this is about Tom Brady and Commissioner Roger Goodell getting the NFL setup the way they want it!" I know where you're trying to get, and I'm paid by Goodell to keep all seekers out of the Lambert Forest. As he laid slurping up spilled Busch Light, Wally sat up almost as if he were instantanioiusly sober! Gleering at the butch truck driver, Wally grabbed B-Dub by his granny panties, exited the truck, and exclaimed....

Buddha Bus
04-06-2011, 03:29 PM
... "To Hell with Roger and Marsha and their pantywaist vision of football, and to Hell with you!" Wally then tore off B-Dub's skid-marked, stanky underwear and hurled them into the cab of the truck at the horrible woman like a smelly grenade. B-Dub's habit of not washing his ass had finally paid off as the trucker started convulsing and heaving uncontrollably at the unspeakable odor of the undergarment. MOP then yelled, "Scatter!", and the group fled on foot in different directions into the dark forest.

VA ran smack dab into a tree and knocked himself sillier than normal. He sat up holding his aching head and looked around to see...

stlrtruck
04-06-2011, 04:12 PM
that he actually NOT made it in to the forest but instead had run right dab into the biggest oak tree he'd ever seen. Dazed and confused he could see the shadow of the trucker coming after him. Naked as a J-Bird, He began shaking. All those times his friends told him that cross dressing was going to catch up with him, came true. As the trucker got within 10 yards, Wally began throwing empty cans of Busch Light he had gathered from the cab of the truck. The trucker stumbled backwards and just as she hit the ground MoP....

Buddha Bus
04-06-2011, 04:26 PM
... pulled a crossbow out of his thong and nailed her to the spot where she laid with 2 quick and deadly accurate shots to the earlobes and 1 through both feet.

The other guys stared in amazement with their mouths hanging wide open at what they had just witnessed!

Wally slurred, "Holeeee shhhit, MoP! Where the hell wasss that croshhhbow?!?!?!"

MoP answered with a wink, "In my special holster. I never leave home without it after that incident years ago where I....

stlrtruck
04-11-2011, 12:31 PM
Was attacked by Tom Brady and Tim Lumber at a special benefit for Lady Gaga and RuPaul! But that's not important now. We need to get moving if we have any hopes of finding Lambert! Just then from the deep darkness of the woods the men could hear.....

Wallace108
04-13-2011, 10:41 PM
... a guttural roar. There was no need to question the source. It was the BigRick. Someone, or something, was hurting him. MoP looked over at his friends, who were still shaken by their encounter with the she-driver. Do you think the BigRick got captured by the evil wizard, SiCa? B-Dub just stared off into the forest. Wally was walking around picking up the empty Busch Light cans and searching for a drop he might have missed. Finally, Va ...

vasteeler
04-14-2011, 12:03 PM
just snapped. he had pulled out a colt 45 and started firing. not sure exactly were va pulled the 45 from the gang started running and trying to hid. after the smell of shit and gunpowder dissipated it was clear va had killed.......

Buddha Bus
04-14-2011, 12:39 PM
... the lady trucker's desire to ever have sex with a man again by looking at his glistening, sweaty, nude form in the pale moonlight. He also had blasted a possum into the next life with the Colt.

B-Dub became excited and hollered, "Yeee doggies! Soup's on!!!" He then ran over to the possum carcass and in a matter of minutes, had skinned and gutted the poor varmint. He then skewered it with a nearby stick and began building a fire pit.

"We are going to need our strength if we are going hiking into those woods to battle an evil wizard, and this here critter is gonna provide that for us. I learned how to rustle up roadkill vittles back in my trailer park from Britney Spears' ex-husband. These suckers are good eatin'!"

After he got the fire roaring, and after the rest of the guys were done retching, he placed the makeshift spit over the flames and began cooking. With just the things that Mother Nature provided around them, he seasoned the beast to taste with....

stlrtruck
04-14-2011, 03:21 PM
honeysuckle, grass, and oak tree bark. As the group sat eating, they continued to hear BigRick screaming like Tom Brady getting thumped by James Harrison. They chuckled at a few of the squelches, but eventually they knew whatever was tearing BigRick down would eventually get to them. After their fine meal, they took up their belongings and trotted towards the forest, Lambert's forest, and as they grew closer.....Wally began to recall.....