View Full Version : Couch Slouch: A typical day for NFL commissioner Goodell

04-18-2011, 08:16 PM
Couch Slouch: A typical day for NFL commissioner Goodell
Monday, April 18, 2011
By Norman Chad

Roger Goodell wakes up every morning with the weight of the world -- or at least ESPN -- on his shoulders. The NFL -- the lifeblood of America; our annual distraction from economic woe, political quagmire and two wars (or is it three?) -- is on the brink of a season lost to a multibillion-dollar labor dispute, and Goodell's legacy may rest on his ability to break the gridiron gridlock before a single kickoff is missed.

Here now, a rare inside look at a typical day in the life of the NFL commissioner, grappling moment by moment with the fate of Sports Nation:

7:35 a.m.: Arises, gazes into bathroom mirror and says out loud, "I am Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League."

7:45: Daily breakfast of strawberries, truffles, a Crepe Suzette and champagne.

8:13: Sets up TiVo for "Around the Horn" and "The Borgias."

9:10: Alphabetizes file of players currently on suspension for drug violations.

9:20: Alphabetizes file of players fined last season for illegal hits.

9:30: Alphabetizes file of players detained by law enforcement in the past 12 months.

10:02: Fires gardener when he catches him watching MLS games instead of watering lawn.

10:40: Meets with tailor to decide what color wool coat to wear at next court appearance -- light grey, dark grey, charcoal grey or Rozelle grey.

11:07: Tells priest -- at confession -- that he really doesn't care about the fans.

11:53: Calls Sports Illustrated's Peter King, tells him off the record that a settlement is "impending."

11:59: Calls back SI's Peter King, tells him off the record that he meant a settlement is "improbable."

12:05 p.m.: Monthly lunch with Paul Tagliabue; loses coin flip and has to pick up the check.

1:18: Contacts Dan Rooney because he's having trouble getting first-class upgrade on Aer Lingus for annual golf vacation in Dublin.

1:42: Impulsively tells driver to pull over into Men's Wearhouse so he can pick up new suit for NFL draft.

2:07: Asks wife Jane -- for the umpteenth time -- to call him "Commissioner" outside of the house, too.

2:15: Makes prank call to DeMaurice Smith, telling him he has exceeded his cell-phone usage for the month and must buy a higher-tiered rate plan.

2:17: Smiles devilishly as he lets Jerry Jones' call go to voice mail.

2:19: Calls James Harrison "to shoot the breeze." Keeps talking after Harrison hangs up on him.

2:21: "Get Mubarak on the phone -- we're thinking of playing a game in Cairo!"

4:16: Confides to manicurist that "personal seat licenses are the greatest thing since the advent of the pay toilet."

4:40: Asks NFL Films to send him "all available footage" of NFLPA player reps.

5:02: Berates family butler for misplacing croquet set.

5:29: Can't find Brooks Brothers bowling shirt for NFL Network's Lucky Strike Lanes soiree.

6:33: Asks personal assistant to book him on "Larry King Live."

6:55: While nobody's looking, pours a shot of Louis XIII cognac into his cup of herbal tea.

7:30: Monthly consult with David Stern in the backseat of the NBA commissioner's Lincoln Continental at that abandoned lot under Brooklyn Bridge.

9:14: Rereads Machiavelli's "The Prince."

10:20: Sends text to Ray Lewis: "Who's ur daddy?"

10:44: Sneaks into den, dresses up in his private collection of vintage Neville Chamberlain outfits.

Midnight: Takes nightly hot tub while Jeff Pash feeds him grapes.
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Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11108/1140093-139-0.stm#ixzz1JvYX93AQ

Lady Steel
04-19-2011, 07:24 PM
2:19: Calls James Harrison "to shoot the breeze." Keeps talking after Harrison hangs up on him.