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Lyn
07-13-2006, 07:12 AM
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
--Conan O'Brien

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown (presumed deceased)

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realise, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

"Women might be able to fake orgasms ...But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert De Niro

BlackNGold203
07-13-2006, 07:48 AM
:sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny:

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams


LMAO

Cape Cod Steel Head
07-13-2006, 07:58 AM
" Read my lips. No new taxes". George Bush Sr.

floodcitygirl
07-13-2006, 09:17 AM
You come thru once again, Lyn!!! :sofunny:

3 to be 4
07-13-2006, 09:34 AM
"To the terrorists, I say, Bring it on!" GW Bush

as Lewis Black says, the stupidest thing ever said by anybody ever

SteelCityMan786
07-13-2006, 10:32 AM
:sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny: :sofunny: I just had a major crack up at the quotes.

CAH
07-13-2006, 01:31 PM
"I voted for it before I voted against it." - John Kerry