PDA

View Full Version : New Rules for 2006


HometownGal
07-21-2006, 11:09 AM
These "rules" have, in the past, been attributed to George Carlin, but in checking out snopes.com, I found that these come from an HBO comedian, Bill Maher. They're funny as hell anyway - LOL! :sofunny:

* New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

* New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

* New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

* New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

* New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

* New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

* New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge ass hole.

*New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
Joy.

*New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

*New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

* New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

*New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

* New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

* New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.

* New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

BlackNGold203
07-21-2006, 12:03 PM
OK..I nominate HometownGal as the funniest poster of the day....LOL

SteelCityMan786
07-21-2006, 12:09 PM
New Rule:Girls need to stop bitching about their guys until they get a better taste in men.

HometownGal
07-21-2006, 01:20 PM
New Rule:Girls need to stop bitching about their guys until they get a better taste in men.

I don't bitch at my guy unless he breaks one of my 4 cardinal rules...

1. Please (and I ask nicely) put the toilet seat down when you're done twizzling.

2. Don't pull the covers over my head at 3 AM (or any other time) when you have a gas attack. It isn't funny and quite frankly - it STINKS.

3. If you can throw your clothes on the floor next to the hamper, take that mega second and put the damned things IN it!

This one is a biggie (my ex-husband was the master of this)...

4. Don't EVER leave your wax-infested Q-tips on the bathroom sink. :yuck: (My exH stopped doing it, though, after I gathered them all up in a baggie over a month's period of time and put them in his lunch bag). :cool:

I'll mow the lawn, do the dishes, wash the clothes, iron what needs to be pressed and put all of your clothes away, clean the house, cook all of the meals, change the oil in the cars, clean the bathroom walls and floor (and seat) after you guys are done having target practice, and anything else you ask me to do, but when I ask that you perform a menial task such as taking out the garbage, I don't want a song and dance. :cool:

SteelersMongol
07-21-2006, 06:40 PM
... I'll mow the lawn, do the dishes, wash the clothes, iron what needs to be pressed and put all of your clothes away, clean the house, cook all of the meals, change the oil in the cars, clean the bathroom walls and floor (and seat) after you guys are done having target practice, and anything else you ask me to do, but when I ask that you perform a menial task such as taking out the garbage, I don't want a song and dance. :cool:

This is good one. More points to you. :sofunny: And wow. You're just like my wife. :smile: She does everything in and around the house, but I don't take her granted. I know I'm better than some men, but unlike some men I also know there are some men who are better than me (richer, good looking, etc.). So I try not to mess with what God had blessed me, and do my part (or at least try). :smile: