View Full Version : Butkus to Coach Steelers?

08-06-2006, 08:25 AM
Can you imagine?

Butkus to coach Steelers?

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By Joe Starkey
Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Sorry, but it's kind of hard to imagine Bill Cowher in a rocking chair, sipping Ensure ****tails and strolling to his favorite Raleigh, N.C., diner for early bird specials.
Not until he's 110, anyway.

Oh, Cowher might "retire" for a few years after this season. I'd bet on it, actually. It makes all the sense in the world that he'd take some time to re-charge and enjoy his family.

A longer respite is unthinkable. Cowher, like so many ultra-successful sports figures, simply isn't wired to retire.

This is a man who needs competition the way the rest of us need oxygen, a man who'd just as soon gouge your eyes out as lose a racquetball match (legend has it that nobody at the Steelers offices, including players such as Clark Haggans, has ever beaten the 49-year-old head coach on the racquetball court).

In the meantime, there's no harm in speculating on possible replacements. Several come to mind. Most share a trait or two with The Jaw, some even boasting the trademark moustache (though Cowher's going with the lightly bearded look for now). Any candidate without a moustache should be required to grow one.

Beyond the two obvious choices -- offensive line coach Russ Grimm and offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt -- the list could look something like this:

? Ben Howland. Perfect pick, because he'll be ready to leave -- something about a "dream job" with the NFL's new Los Angeles franchise -- about the time Cowher's ready to come back.

? Mike Ditka. Classic moustache, Cowher-like temper.

? Eddie Olczyk. Doesn't have a moustache or a shred of experience -- but that didn't stop the Penguins from hiring him, did it?

? Walt Harris. Big Ben would finally get to throw on every play, except when he's asked to slide.

? Dick Butkus. Tremendous moustache. And, because we don't see nearly enough footage of Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger these days, an ESPN reality show chronicling the 2007 Steelers would be most welcome.

? Dave Wannstedt. A slight hairstyle adjustment, and nobody would know it's not Cowher pacing those sidelines.

? John Steigerwald. Unbelievable moustache. And, like Cowher, rarely agrees with local media.

? Joe Paterno. Thirty-seven years after turning down the Steelers, he finally takes the job at age 80. With a moustache, no less.

? Jim Colborn. His first task, of course, would be to re-work Roethlisberger's mechanics.

? Jim Tracy. Don't blame him if the club starts losing.

? Lloyd McClendon. Fiery personality, but standards might dip. That'll become obvious when Mac and his assistants pop the champagne after going 7-9.

? Kevin Constantine. Emphasized defense. Idolized Cowher. Owned quality moustache.

? Hines Ward. Self-proclaimed "leader of the wideouts" would become league's first player-coach.

? Burt Reynolds. Legendary moustache, could arrange an entertaining exhibition against a team of convicts -- or, better yet, the Cincinnati Bengals.

? Marty Schottenheimer. Cowher's mentor could return to his Western Pennsylvania roots and pick up the needs-a-ring-to-salvage-career storyline where Cowher and Jerome Bettis left off.

? Marvin Lewis. Cowher's rival could return to his Western Pennsylvania roots and already has proven he can help the Steelers win games. More importantly, he knows Cowher's favorite song -- the Who-Dey chant -- by heart.

08-06-2006, 09:52 AM
Starkey is such an idiot.

08-06-2006, 10:27 AM

08-06-2006, 10:34 AM
i believe that article was done "tongue in cheek"....as humor folks...nothing more

08-06-2006, 10:39 AM
Yeah, that's what I got out of it. No harm, no foul!

08-06-2006, 05:14 PM
Starkey is still an idiot. I've yet to read one article where he makes any logical sense.