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View Full Version : Humor time...Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Cleveland Browns


Fire Haley
08-08-2013, 04:36 AM
Some people are fans of the Cleveland Browns. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cleveland Browns. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Cleveland Browns

Your 2012 record: 5-11. FUN FACT: the Browns have won either four or five games every year for the past five years.

OOOOH WHICH ONE WILL IT BE THIS YEAR?! My money is on four!

The Browns have lost 10 or more games in nine of the past 10 years. That's a large enough sample size for us to know this is no accident. You have to really TRY to be that bad. You have to deliberately plant staph fungus in the locker room showerheads and sign Jake Delhomme and hire Leo Bloom as your accountant to craft a failure this magnificent, this seemingly permanent.

Why your team sucks: Only in Cleveland. ONLY in Cleveland would the new owner be a minority Steelers owner who turned out to be a fucking crook. Not only is Jimmy Haslam a crook, but his company of truck driver handjob emporiums is a whopping FOUR BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT. Oh my fucking God! Are his truck stops built out of fucking platinum? This man isn't even an effective crook. The feds are so far up Haslam's ass that his dad might be called in to run the team. Jimmy Haslam's father, you should note, is 82 years old. You get a crook AND you get Ralph Wilson all in one!


-much, much more-

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-cleveland-browns-1052726045?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitte r&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

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I liked the comments too


Our icons are a running back who quit on the team 50 years ago to be in movies and beat women, and a barely better than average quarterback who couldn’t beat John Elway and sounds like he is drunk 100% of the time.

Fire Haley
08-08-2013, 02:26 PM
45 views and no comments'

wow - no wonder this board sucks



we must have a lot of Browns trolls - I bet I could name 3 right off the bat

Fire Haley
08-08-2013, 02:38 PM
maybe you'll like this - Steelers turn


Your coach: Mike Tomlin, whom Steelers fans will find a way to bitch about even though he's won a Super Bowl and gone to the playoffs four of six years during his tenure. (What have you done for the Yinzers lately, Mike?) Tomlin also kept Todd Haley around for a second straight season.

The best part of having Todd Haley around is trying to figure out jussssst how much Big Ben hates his fucking guts:

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18wdt7i41ofy9gif/original.gif

He brought it in and (said) 'Here's my stuff, here's what we're going to do.' So it was hard for us to say, 'Hey, we were pretty doggone good last year, what were we 12-4?'” Roethlisberger said Saturday on the first practice day of Steelers training camp. “We would say, 'Oh, we know this play, it's the same thing we had, but it's called completely different.' So why not call it the same thing? So there was a lot of frustration with that.”

That's so perfect. Haley is like the real-life Ted Lasso. You queerbaits are gonna learn the Todd Haley system and start winning some REAL football games now! You can hear Big Ben straining to sound positive about being stuck with Haley for yet another year (the Steelers' offense dropped from 12th to 21st overall under Haley and the team lost four more games). WE'RE UP TEMPO NOW! We suck, but we suck FAST

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-pittsburgh-steelers-1065343296

Fire Arians
08-08-2013, 04:37 PM
45 views and no comments'

wow - no wonder this board sucks

we're not worthy of your posts man. besides saying cleveland sucks doesn't require any satire, it's already well known :chuckle:

Fire Arians
08-08-2013, 04:41 PM
http://profootballmock.com/super-bowl-champion-browns-remember-that-one-time-we-almost-moved-to-baltimore/

alternate universe: browns win the super bowl against the 49ers. remember that time they almost moved to baltimore?

harrison'samonster
08-08-2013, 04:49 PM
45 views and no comments'

wow - no wonder this board sucks



we must have a lot of Browns trolls - I bet I could name 3 right off the bat

sorry. hope this post helps :chuckle:

i think your thread is funny and entertaining. keep up the good work!

Buddha Bus
08-08-2013, 05:02 PM
Everyone prefers to post in the one that doesn't get them berated by a cranky old man.

harrison'samonster
08-08-2013, 05:06 PM
Everyone prefers to post in the one that doesn't get them berated by a cranky old man.

oh yes, there will be berating

harrison'samonster
08-08-2013, 05:17 PM
bepoppin', beratin', gyratin', geriatrics

don't take that one personal Killer, I just like the way it sounded.

Fire Arians
08-08-2013, 05:46 PM
bepoppin', beratin', gyratin', geriatrics

careful, he don't listen to hip-hop :wink02:

Fire Haley
08-08-2013, 07:31 PM
now watch some hick steal my idea and start a deadspin Steelers thread

Fire Arians
08-08-2013, 07:49 PM
now watch some hick steal my idea and start a deadspin Steelers thread

it'll probably get more responses & karma to add insult to injury too :chuckle:

Vis
08-08-2013, 07:56 PM
now watch some hick steal my idea and start a deadspin Steelers thread

Which part was your idea?

Fire Haley
08-09-2013, 04:41 AM
BWAhahahaha - just like I predicted