Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns:
This band of injured third-stringers, practice squaders, rejects and receivers off the street will keep it close, but the Steelers will beat them anyway. Steelers by 10.
Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Willie Wonka spells out the Falcon’s chances. Bucs by 8.
Houston Texans at Detroit Lions:
This Texans team is ruining my theory that nothing – nothing – good comes from Texas. Texans by 10.
Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys:
RG3PO to Jabba the Jones: “Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am RG3PO, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Snyder. I know that you are powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Snyder must be equally powerful…As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: this ass-whuppin.” ‘Skins by 10.
New England Patriots at NY Jets:
Patriots are overrated. Unfortunately, the Jets aren’t even rated. Patriots by 5.
San Francisco 49ers at New Orleans Saints:
Clubber Lang lets Brees know what’s in store for him.
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears:
The Bears aren’t retreating, they’re just advancing in another direction. Vikings by 3.
Oakland Raiders at Cincinnati Bengals:
For Carson Palmer’s homecoming, the Bengals should play Carrie on the Jumbotron. Bengals by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts:
Football is God’s way of teaching Bill’s fans suffering. Colts by 7.
Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs:
The Chiefs have a great shot in this game. Heck, if the Broncos’ plane crashes on the way to KC, the Chiefs could probably win by five or ten. Broncos by 10.
Seattle Seahawks at Miami Dolphins:
South Beach hasn’t given us anything this bad since the Miami Sound machine. Seahawks by 10.
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars:
I dare you to find one person, just one, who cares about this game. Titans by who-gives-a-damn.
Baltimore Ravens at San Diego Chargers:
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Norv, I’m talking to you. Chargers by 5.
St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals:
The Cards are going to win because of their defense. So long as Docket plays fullback and Adrian Wilson plays QB. Cards by 1.
Green Bay Packers at NY Giants:
Mike McCarthy or HR Pufnstuf? You be the judge. Giants by 10.
Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles:
I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Panthers by 456,222.
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