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Rabbit's 2013 Mock Mock Draft
This is from a series I used to run on a site called Mocking the Draft, before it got absorbed by the godawful blog conglomerate that is SB Nation. If you guys like it, I can try and dig up my earlier versions.
1) Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
Matt Barkley made a great decision to stay in school for his senior season. Now, instead of competing with Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin, he'll be the surefire #1 overall pick in 2013.
2) Jacksonville Jaguars: Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia
Jarvis Jones, Jacksonville Jaguar. Yup, two picks in and already the best I can do is alliterations. This bodes well for the rest of the draft.
3) Oakland Raiders: Brad Wing, P, LSU
Not only do the Raiders love taking their specialists absurdly early, this one even has drug issues and character red flags. Oakland has struck gold.
4) Philadelphia Eagles: Duron Carter, WR, Florida Atlantic
The Eagles spurned Cris Carter, and he went on to have a Hall of Fame career. They vow not to make the same mistake with his son, who, unfortunately, is terrible at football.
5) Detroit Lions: Sam McGuffie, WR/HB, Rice
Jim Schwartz said he drafted Jahvid Best in part because of his arousing YouTube highlights, so he'll absolutely be going buckwild on himself when he sees McGuffie's high school highlight reel.
6) Cleveland Browns: Ezekiel "Ziggy" Ansah, DE/OLB, BYU
In March, rumors started circulating that the Ghana-born Ansah was actually 28 years old. Upon hearing this, Cleveland's front office immediately realized they had to make their move. Ansah and Weeden will be this team's franchise cornerstones for maybe the next 3 or 4 years.
7) Arizona Cardinals: Jordan Rodgers, QB, Vanderbilt
Bruce Arians drafts Aaron Rodgers' younger brother in hopes that the Rodgers brothers' skill levels are correlative to one another in the same way that the McCown brothers are.
8) Buffalo Bills: Chance Warmack, G, Alabama
This is a great pick that makes total sense for Buffalo, which of course means it's only feasible in a comedy draft.
9) New York Jets: Collin Klein, QB, Kansas State
With Tim Tebow on the way out of town, the Jets have a hole at "bible beating QB who can't throw a pass to save his life". Fortunately, Klein fits that role with ease.
10) Tennessee Titans: Barrett Jones, C, Alabama
The Titans need a center smart enough to know that the best option for the team is to simply not snap the ball to Jake Locker.
11) San Diego Chargers: Shawn Williams, S, Georgia
Williams was highly regarded for calling out his Bulldog teammates in the middle of the season on their effort and level of play. He'll find himself right at home in San Diego with plenty of terrible players on his unit to yell at when they give up another 4th and 29.
12) Miami Dolphins: Denard Robinson, WR/HB/QB, Michigan
Robinson is the perfect candidate to run the Wildcat for the Dolphins, since it's not a gimmick and is totally going to last in the NFL.
13) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Charles James, CB, Charleston Southern
James should acclimate fairly quickly to Tampa Bay, as he's used to playing football in front of no fans.
14) Carolina Panthers: Sam Montgomery, DE/OLB, LSU
Montgomery admitted to taking entire games off in college, which shouldn't be too much of a problem in Carolina as they'll more than likely be out of the playoff race by midseason anyway.
15) New Orleans Saints: Bacarri Rambo, S, Georgia
Who is better suited to endure the psychological traumas brought about every day by the city of New Orleans than a man named Rambo?
16) St. Louis Rams: Keenan Allen, WR, Cal
Allen recently ran 4.71 and 4.75 40s at his Pro Day, which is absurdly slow. This makes him the perfect weapon for Sam Bradford, as he won't be able to outrun Bradford's noodle-armed lame duck throws.
17) Pittsburgh Steelers: Marcus Lattimore, HB, South Carolina
Lattimore may have to start the 2013 season on IR, so he might as well be kept company by the inevitable bevy of Steelers players who will suffer season ending injuries
18) Dallas Cowboys: EJ Manuel, QB, Florida State
JERRY JONE. WHAT THE HELL U DOIN!
19) New York Giants: Jeremy Shelley, K, Alabama
With Lawrence Tynes on his way out of town, the Giants are in need of a new kicker who can't hit anything from a distance beyond 40 yards.
20) Chicago Bears: Dave Amerson, CB, NC State
Amerson led the NCAA in interceptions as a sophomore despite coverage limitations, and then was exposed and undressed repeatedly last season. He should be able to help talk Tim Jennings through his inevitably similar plummet to earth.
21) Cincinnati Bengals: DJ Hayden, CB, Houston
Hayden survived a tear in his heart that has caused a 95% mortality rate in past cases. This rare type of survivability will really help someone who has to interact with Pacman Jones on a daily basis.
22) Washington Redskins: Mike Shanahan, WR/TE, Pittsburgh
We all know that Mike Shanahan's ego is too big to pass on this opportunity.
23) Minnesota Vikings: Levine Toilolo, TE, Stanford
Standing in at a towering 6'8 with an absurd wingspan, Toilolo should immediately become a favorite target of Christian Ponder on the grounds that he has the best chance of being near Ponder's wildly inaccurate throws.
24) Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Griffin, QB, Tulane
"wow fans are goin to b excited that we got 2 best rookie qbs in 2012 draft", an absolutely blitzed Jim Irsay tweets after blowing the Colts' first round pick.
25) Seattle Seahawks: Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU
With marijuana being legalized in Washington, the Honey Badger should fit in perfectly with the other substance abusing corners on the Seahawks' roster.
26) Green Bay Packers: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
Thanks to Joe Flacco ruining the pay scale for quarterbacks, Green Bay has absolutely no shot at affording to retain Aaron Rodgers, so they must reluctantly draft his future replacement.
27) Houston Texans: Jesse Williams, DT, Alabama
Jesse Williams has a YOLO tattoo on his face. That's it. That's the joke.
28) Denver Broncos: Marquise Goodwin, WR, Texas
With fax machines no longer being reliable, Denver opts to choose the fastest player in this year's draft as a personal message relayer to ensure that future clerical errors are few and far between.
29) New England Patriots: Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State
The German-born Werner is the perfect leader for the Aryan army Bill Belicheck has been building throughout the past decade.
30) Atlanta Falcons: Gavin Escobar, TE, San Diego State
Tony Gonzalez can teach Escobar how to handle people never shutting up about you being a hispanic tight end who used to play basketball. Yeah, it's like they're posting up for a rebound, we get it.
31) San Francisco 49ers: Mike Glennon, QB, NC State
I'm sure by now, Colin Kaepernick is getting tired of people constantly trying to speculate as to what his racial heritage is. Drafting Mike Glennon will give media pundits an even weirder looking quarterback to be confused by.
32) Baltimore Ravens: -pick forfeited-
The Ravens run out of time on the clock. They keep trying to call Manti Te'o to let him know he's been selected, but, convinced it's a hoax, he hangs up every time.