November 13th, 2005
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 8:30PM ESPN
Game 9 / Week 10
Ah...once again it's STEELER week...and for the 107th meeting between the Browns and the hated Steelers I thought I'd discuss, remember and enumerate my all-time favorite Pittsburgh Steelers players! Whoa?! Hold on? Did Furnier just say his favorite STEELER players? Yes...yes he did. Trust me gang. I haven't been visiting my local purveyor of hallucinogens and I'm not at the bottom of my bottle of gin...at least not yet anyway. Throughout the course of the Browns / Steelers 56 year rivalry there have been numerous Steeler players that I downright appreciate. These Steeler players have earned my respect by their sheer willingness to tarnish the already tawdry image of the Urine and Black. I appreciate them for the ineptitude they have shown in helping the Browns to earn glorious victories over the "Evil from the East." So then....let the roll call begin....
BYRON "BAM" MORRIS
Bam helped the Steelers to a loss in Super Bowl XXX and then promptly helped himself to incarceration by driving erratically with upwards of five pounds of first rate marijuana in the trunk of his leased vehicle. When asked by officer Mark Spears if his vehicle may be searched...Bam politely obliged...knowing full well that there was enough cannabis in his trunk to send him up the river for many a moon. That Bill Cowher sure does know how to pick a 15 watt out of a box full of 75's. Our pal Bam went on to Baltimore then Kansas City and several further arrests to pad his stellar resume.
Oh, poor Cliff Stoudt, who had the misfortune of backing up Terry Bradshaw during his twilight years as the Steelers faded from the elite to the trash heap overnight. Toothless inbred "Burghers" needed a scapegoat for the demise of their once invincible Steelers and Cliff Stoudt was that scapegoat. While 54,000 confluence cretins waved their Urine colored towels chanting "One For The Thumb", our friend Cliff helped to make sure there would be "None For The Thumb." The Iron City swilling idiots went so far as to sell out Mr. Stoudt's visit to Pittsburgh as the starting quarterback of the visiting Birmingham Stallions as they descended upon Three Sewers Stadium for a date with the expansion Pittsburgh Maulers of the USFL in 1984. The Steeler faithful proceeded to shell Mr. Stoudt with snowballs from a spring snowstorm in the city that time forgot.
OK, I'll admit that ole Jebome Beppis (thanks Ghoolie) has had an excellent career. However, I think he's made an ass of himself time and time again by acting like a raving jackass after 3 and 4 yard gains by jiggling his ample pulchritude like an oversexed Jerry Springer victim. However, Jebome's career highlight occurred on Thanksgiving Day in 1998 when Jebome's elocution proved to be so poor that the mere utterance of "Tails" was heard as "Heads" by the referee, who proceeded to grant the Detroit Lions the receiving end of the overtime kickoff in which they of course drove for the winning score. I dedicated my wishbone and the leftover can shaped cranberry to Mr. Jebome Beppis that fine Holiday.
Perhaps the most hated man in the city of festering wounds. 95% of Steeler fans claim that Mr. O'Donnell intentionally "threw" Super Bowl XXX by his ill-timed interceptions. As educated Browns fans we KNOW that those interceptions were the result of Mr. Bill Cowher's inability to select a decent Quarterback to run his offense. Neil O'Donnell was a capable back-up...as he proved with the Jets and Titans, but was not starting material....and certainly not Super Bowl material. For Mr. O'Donnell's sheer gall of being human I deem him a hero of Cleveland sports. I personally stood and cheered as Larry Brown of the Cowboys made Pittsburgh his own personal bitch...as they failed....yet again....for that elusive ....One For The Thumb.....BwaaaHaaaHaaa.
Yeah...yeah....Hall Of Famer on a team that had a bestial offensive line. My memory has him running out of bounds every time someone with an attitude and a five o'clock shadow got within five yards of him.
I'll admit it. I LOVED Kordell. No...not because he's a mano e mano type guy, but because his presence insured that the Steel punks would lose when it really counted. This was another of SuperJaw Bill Cowher's brainstorms. Make the guy who can do trick plays from the backfield the QUARTERBACK! Yeah! That'll work! And honestly...what Browns OR Steelers fan can forget Kordelia's handoff to Browns linebacker John Thierry in 1999 which helped the expansion Browns to a 16-15 victory over the overrated SteelQueers 16-15. Good old light in the loafers "Fungus Face" Kordelia single handedly kept the Pittspuke contingent from the Super Bowl for seven seasons. Freddie Mercury was the ONLY front man for Queen and by God Kordell is the ONLY front man for the Urine soaked losers from Pittspuke.
WALTER "BUBBLY BLISTEX" 'BUBBY' BRISTER
Good old Number 6. "Bubby" presided over the Squeelers quarterbacking duties for the better part of seven seasons from 1986-1992. During that span the Browns laid a thorough pasting on the Coward Yellow and Evil Black punks from West PA. to the tune of 10 wins and 4 losses. From all accounts the untalented Walter was a real cocksnot to his teammates, but the NBC cameras sure loved him and his Peroxide Blonde Bimbo Mom who never failed to make an ungainly appearance in her seat in Three Sewers Stadium throughout those seven wonderful seasons that the Steelers floundered like tuna on a drydock. Bubby and his Mom are eagerly awaiting their turn in the "Springer Spotlight."
What can you say about Mark Malone? Well, obviously not much, but let's give the poor guy his due. Markie had the unkind task of usurping idiot bumpkin Terry Bradshaw from the starting Quarterback seat and unfortunately for him he had zero quality players surrounding him. This Tom Selleck stand-in had the honor of being abused by the Three Sewer brethren for parts of seven seasons from 1980-1987 and has wisely upgraded his career by turning his talents towards broadcasting. As a broadcaster Mark" Selleck" Malone is on the 'C' List. As a Squeeler QB, he defined mediocrity. In Pittsburgh, mediocrity is a "buzzword."
ERNIE "ARROWHEAD" HOLMES
This Pittspuke thespian found a driving trip through the great state of Ohio too boring...proceeded to pull off the interstate and fire his handy dandy rifle at a highway patrol helicopter. Needless to say his arrest was washed under the rug so he could help feed Frenchy Fuqua's goldfish prior to Super Bowl X. Both gentlemen have since pawned their big game rings for a barco lounger in the green room in Pennsylvania's " S T A T E H O S P I T A L.
DWIGHT "HANDS OF" STONE
Who did his utmost towards helping Bubbly Blistex and Neil O'Donnell achieve their infamy by dropping untold numbers of passes that were lodged squarely within his greased mitts.
TERRY LONG , CARLTON HASELRIG & MIKE WEBSTER
OK, I'm not entirely without sympathy. These three "gentlemen" clearly were in possession of mental problems throughout their careers as purveyors of the Urine and Black. Between the three of them you could fill a weeks worth of episodes of "COPS." Why are mentally deficient men drawn to wear the Urine and Black? Could it be that they relate say easily with the diehard fanbase?
OK, I admit that this is cheating. Spit Lips never played for the Steelers. In fact, for a brief time he played for the Browns. During which time he fell under the evil hypnotic spell of Browns coach Marty Schottenheimer who mesmerized the SuperJawed one with the following mantra. In big games..."THOU MUST NOT PLAY TO LOSE! THOU MUST ALWAYS PLAY FOR THE FIELD GOAL AND NEVER GO FOR THE JUGULAR." Marty may not have won his Super Bowl with the Browns back in the 80's, but his teachings are STILL keeping the SqueelPunks from any shot at the big prize. Super Salivating Bill will ALWAYS prevent Pittsburgh from winning a Super Bowl. He's a regular season warrior and a post-season puke. The Rooney clan loves him, so it appears that we here in Cleveland, the Greatest Location In The Nation, will enjoy watching the black and yellow choke at or before the finish line for many years to come. Having experienced the heart rending disasters that were Red Right 88, The Drive and The Fumble, I'm VERY glad that Billy Cowher plies his trade in the pollution center of Pittspuke.
....and Oh by the way. The Browns lead this series 55-51. The Browns have ALWAYS lead this series. The Browns ALWAYS will lead this series. Who is the next to make my list of favorite Steelers? "BIG GAY OVERRATED" Ben Rothlistein (Thanks Zombo and Atenears) who has won a lot of games by doing virtually nothing? Or maybe CHARLIE BIATCH who waited four long years on the bench to gift wrap a victory for the arch rivals from the beautiful southern shores of Lake Erie? Many things will be revealed Sunday Night, but I'll reveal the outcome right now. Reuben Droughns rushes for 130 yards and a TD. Antonio Bryant and Braylon Edwards are both on the receiving end of long touchdown passes, Phil Dawson adds a little gravy and Charlie Frye sees his first pro action in mop up duty as the Browns mop up the overrated, one dimensional fools from Pittspuke to the tune of BROWNS 34 SQUEELQUEERS 14
I apologize if I've left out YOUR favorite Steeler.