01-23-2009, 02:40 AM
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Baltimore mayor to change name to “Steelerssuckballsxon”
BALTIMORE, MD — In a somewhat extreme response to Pittsburgh counterpart Luke Ravenstahl changing his last name to Steelerstahl, Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon will become Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon later this morning.
“I could not sit idly by and watch this Pittsburgh windbag change his name to support the team, and I couldn’t simply match his intensity either,” Mayor Dixon explained to SSNN. “Here in Baltimore, we’re about taking it to the next level. I’m like Ray Lewis – you get intense, I get intenser. That’s why I went for Steelerssuckballsxon.”
Dixon also pointed out that while Steelerstahl did not legally change his name, instead opting for a ceremonial gesture whose effect will be removed after the game, she plans to “go the distance” by legally and permanently becoming Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon.
“That’s right, because I’m not a giant profanityfilterprofanityfilterprofanityfilterprofa nityfilterprofanityfilter,” said soon-to-be Mayor Steelerssuckballsxon. “The Steelers do suck balls, as does the mayor of their run-down shanty city, and Ed [Reed] and the boys intend to go out there and show them that on Sunday. I’m just glad to be able to do my part.”
Despite strenuous objections from several high-ranking staffers, Mayor Dixon does not appear to be concerned about voters’ reaction to the name “Steelerssuckballsxon” on the ballot come next election or the difficulty of pronouncing a long name with a seemingly unnecessary ‘x’ in it.
For his part, Mayor Steelerstahl finds Dixon’s choice of new name to be in poor taste and representative of bad sportsmanship.
“I just don’t know why she would do something like this,” said Steelerstahl, who has received considerable good press for his gesture. “I just wanted to have a little fun with the game, and she had to get into the name calling.
“Well if that’s how it’s gonna be, I would like to have a little wager with her. If the Ravens somehow manage to win, we’ll give her some really high quality steel, but when my Steelers whoop them, she’ll have to fork over some of those spent shell casings that are all over the Baltimore streets.
“Who sucks balls now, Steelerssuckballsxon?”