KANSAS CITY, MO — The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick
, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel
to the Kansas City Chiefs
at a tremendous discount due to his friendship with Scott Pioli
, the Chiefs’ GM. However, SSNN has learned that Belichick actually had previously carved Matt Cassel’s heart out using a spoon and used the gaping hole in the quarterback’s chest to eat his spirit prior to the trade.
“He won’t be much use to them with a heart or soul, will he?” smirked Belichick, who still had Cassel’s blood crusted on his upper lip. “In this league, you have to have a lot of heart — not just for helping you down the stretch in games, but also for catalyzing essential body functions. These things are important.”
Belichick says he called Cassel into his office and informed him he’d been traded, and then quickly reached over and attacked the young quarterback with a nearby serving spoon.
“His skin was soft so it was easy to penetrate,” Belichick said. “I found the heart without any trouble. After all, I’m Bill Belichick … I think I know where to find someone’s heart. The soul was a delicious dessert.”
The Chiefs are still happy to have Cassel.
“Heart or no heart, soul or no soul, we were starting Tyler Thigpen
in the NFL last season, so this is an improvement,” Pioli said.
This is the 41st heart and 19th soul that Belichick has eaten during his NFL head coach career. It is not known how many hearts and/or spirits he ate prior to becoming a head coach, but the number is believed to be in the thousands.