If he could bet, I'd be broke. If he could grow a Keisel beard, he'd be a canine God.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals
Ryan Clark, you keep doing what you do. Roger Goodell needs to go fishing with Fredo. Bad week to be a Bengal, but then, it always is. Steelers win big.
Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers
This pick is late. Better late than pregnant. And better anything or anybody than Norv Turner.
Tennessee Titans at Carolina Panthers
Tennessee and Carolina? In what? A hillbilly bowl? Fans of the winning team will receive a complimentary banjo and picture of Ned Beatty.
Houston Texans at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If we sell Texas to China, we can get rid of our debt AND Texas at the same time! Write your member of Congress today. Buccaneers by 10.
Washington Redskins at Miami Mahi Mahi
Mike Shanahanís face is so tense and tightly stretched itís beginning to look like Jerry Jonesí reconstructed nightmare. Thatís bad company. The Fish by 3.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts
If this game is televised in your viewing area, shoot your television. Colts will win, and the only happy person will be Jim Caldwell.
Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs
Tim-Timminy Tim-Timminy Tim Tim, Teree! Tim Tebowís your qb and thatís just scary!
Chiefs by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Dallas Cowboys
Watching Dallas suck so badly is as good as eating twenty-seven pounds of liver. Maybe better. Bills by 10.
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons
If I can ever catch a Falcon, Iíll tear off its feathers and eat its tasty meat. Saintís probably donít taste good Ė well, at least without sinner-gravy. Saints by 7.
St. Louis Rams at Cleveland Browns
Which is greater: the number of wins the Browns will get this year or the pounds of krill in Mike Holmgrenís mustache? Rams by 8.
Baltimore Ravens at Seattle Seahawks
I hate the Ravens, but I hate Pete Carrollís hair more. Ravens by 7.
New York Giants at San Francisco Forty-Niners
If Harbaugh gets lippy after his team loses, Coughlin will smack him back to Stanford. Giants by 5.
Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears
Donkey Kong Suh and Brian Urlacher. Thatís good football. They could be Steelers. Iím just saying. Bears by 5.
New England Patriots at New York Jets
Romeo, oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo! When you return, bring the defense with you. Jets in a laugher.
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers
The Packers beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl, so that makes me hate them. But, Iím not stupid. Packers by 10.
Arizona Cardinals at Philadelphia Eagles
I shared a kennel at the Washington Area Rescue League with some of Mike Vickís dogs. Cardinals by 456,000.