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Old 07-22-2006, 10:19 AM   #1
lamberts-lost-tooth
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Default FOR CATHOLICS ONLY!!

Catholic Humor


This information is for Catholics only. It must not
be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know
about our rituals and code words, the better off
they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the
rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three
octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability
to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most
Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because
Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of
showing us that holiday ?? travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the
beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the
celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the
conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to
beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so
long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know
the seating capacity of a pew.



Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las
Vegas --There are more churches in Las Vegas than
casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory,
some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed
to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are
hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many
different casinos, and they are worth money, the
Catholic churches are required to send all the chips
into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the
respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the
chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning
chips into cash. And he is known as
....................The Chip Monk!
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:38 AM   #2
Lyn
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Default Re: FOR CATHOLICS ONLY!!

I am Catholic and the part about the churches in Las Vegas is very true! :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lamberts-lost-tooth
Catholic Humor


This information is for Catholics only. It must not
be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know
about our rituals and code words, the better off
they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the
rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three
octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability
to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most
Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because
Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of
showing us that holiday ?? travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the
beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the
celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the
conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to
beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so
long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know
the seating capacity of a pew.



Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las
Vegas --There are more churches in Las Vegas than
casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory,
some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed
to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are
hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many
different casinos, and they are worth money, the
Catholic churches are required to send all the chips
into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the
respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the
chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning
chips into cash. And he is known as
....................The Chip Monk!
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Old 07-24-2006, 02:44 PM   #3
HburgXL06
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Default Re: FOR CATHOLICS ONLY!!

I'm not Roman Catholic but I understood about 90% of the jokes and they are hilarious...some are good for all who are a part of the Christian faith.

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Old 07-24-2006, 05:13 PM   #4
HometownGal
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Default Re: FOR CATHOLICS ONLY!!

Very funny stuff, Hburg! I am Catholic, attended Catholic school and can associate with so many of those - LOL!
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