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Old 09-05-2006, 04:39 AM   #1
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Default Texas Chili Cook-Off

(Texas Chili : part I)

If you've heard this one or it's been posted previously, I apologize. It's a long one, so, I had to post it in 2 parts. Every time I read it, I LOL...

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Visiting Texas:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
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Old 09-05-2006, 04:43 AM   #2
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Default Re: Texas Chili Cook-Off

(Texas Chili : part II)

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE #1 : A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE #2 : Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
JUDGE #3 : Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE #1 : Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE #2 : Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
JUDGE #3 : Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE #1 : Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE #2 : A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
JUDGE #3 : Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE #1 : Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE #2 : Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
JUDGE #3 : I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the 300 lb barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills, she is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE #1 : Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE #2 : Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
JUDGE #3 : My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE #1 : Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE #2 : The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
JUDGE #3 : My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE #1 : A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE #2 : Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
JUDGE #3 : You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE #1 : A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE #2 : This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
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