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Old 12-22-2007, 02:47 PM   #1
lamberts-lost-tooth
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Default LLT's Christmas

Well....the Season is starting and I will be taking a weeks off work to catch up on sleep and watch enough football to drive my wife back to the mall...


So until I see you all again...

'Twas the night before LLT's Christmas

Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases.

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except me... who was stirring his third martini,In a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood
As I attempted to assemble a toy for my 8-year-old daughter, Rachel.
It was a highly complex toy
A toy that I did not even begin to grasp the purpose of
A toy that cost more than my first car
A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said "SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED"
Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained "some water damage".

Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle.
And speaking of space, I was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist
Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy
And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers.
And I could not find my Phillips screwdriver, which my wife undoubtatly used as a hammer in some other part of the house.
In fact, the martinis had me wondering who "Phillips" was
And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else.

That was the festive holiday thought that I was thinking as I took a slug from my martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c.
Using a steak knife.

But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house
Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house.
Mom was at
the Toys 'R' Us store
In fact, this was the fifth Toys 'R' Us store that Mom had been to that night
In her desperate quest to find the one OTHER thing that our daughter Rachel, wanted this holiday season.
It was, of course, a Barbie doll,
But not just ANY Barbie doll,
It had to be the new model.
Abdominals Barbie.
The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device
It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season
Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it
Or her holiday season would be RUINED.

And so of course the Mattel Corporation,
Which is run by evil trolls from hell
Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll
And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys 'R' Us
Which means that the odds were against Mom.
Because on this same festive night
Thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store
Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie Night of the Living Dead.
Only less ethical.


The store was a war zone
Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle
Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club
She claimed her prize
And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents
She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot
Barely missing the Salvation Army person.
She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room.

Where she found ....me.
Actually she found my feet.
The rest of me was under the sofa
A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there
as I....now on my fifth martini...
was trying to strangle the dog
Which, I was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y.
And just at that very moment
Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
That I let go of the dog
And we went to the window to see what was the matter. (we as in my wife & I...not the dog)

And what to our wondering eyes should appear
But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer
"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now . . . Umm . . . Now . . . Dancer!"
"He already said Dancer," I observed.
"He can't remember them all," said Mom
"I think one of them is Pluto," I said.
"Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?" said Mom
"You're thinking of Bluto," I said.
"Now . . . Umm . . . Now Flicka!" said Santa
"Flicka was a horse, that I DO know," said Mom
"Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?" I wondered.
"They're going up on the roof," said Mom
"Like hell they are," I said, remembering I had recently spent $875 on shingle repair.

But before I could yell at St. Nicholas to stop
Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly
.....Which was ....pretty gross
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"You two," said St. Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!"
"Do you have kids?" asked Mom
"Well, no," said Santa
"Hah," said Mom.

"But I am beloved by children the world over," said Santa
"Well," I said, "you won't be beloved by our daughter if I can't assemble this toy"
"What seems to be the problem?" said Santa, coming over to have a look
"I'm stuck on Step 824," I said
"Who wrote these instructions?" asked Santa. "Martians?"
"Apparently," I replied
"I used to be pretty good with tools," said Santa. "Hand me that steak knife."

"Sure," I said. "Care for a martini?"
"Heck yes," said Santa
And so we went to work
And after a while Mom and I, exhausted, went to bed
Leaving old St. Nick in the family room
He said some pretty unsaintly words
But he eventually got Rachels toy assembled.

And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America
Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa
This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed
When Rachel came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie
and saw her incredibly complex toy
Which she broke in under four minutes.

A new holiday record. But it was still a festive day Especially when we told the fantastic story of our late-night visitor
Which, at first, the kids did not believe.
In fact, even we were not 100 percent sure it had happened.

Until I got out the ladder and climbed up to the roof.
And there they saw it . . .
As real as life . . .


A Holiday Miracle . . .

Reindeer poop.

(And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)


MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL...and thank you Dave Berry!!!!
..and all kidding aside....remember the reason for this time of year!!!
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: LLT's Christmas

Take care LLT.
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Old 12-22-2007, 04:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: LLT's Christmas

It's a festivus for the rest of us!!!!
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Old 12-22-2007, 09:51 PM   #4
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Default Re: LLT's Christmas

Quote:
"Sure," I said. "Care for a martini?"
"Heck yes," said Santa
Rudolph ain't the only one with a red nose!
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