10-20-2008, 01:25 PM
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Columbus OH
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Funny opening in regards to Steelers vs Bengals
Walkthrough: The Sinister Six
by Mike Tanier
Last week, The Sporting News asked Ben Roethlisberger which historic person he would most like to switch places with for a day. "Peter, so I could walk next to Jesus and ask him questions and see him work," Big Ben answered. After enduring 111 sacks in the last three years, Roethlisberger is ready to swap careers with a man who was crucified upside down.
An exchange between Jesus and Roethlisberger would no doubt be illuminating.
BEN: "You never wore a helmet, did you?"
JESUS: "No, but I walked everywhere I went."
The Steelers opponent this week knows a thing or two about petering out. Rumor has it that when asked about wobbly backup quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski denied knowing him three times. Chad Johnson then began to crow.
Meanwhile, in search of non-miraculous solutions for his ailing shoulder, Carson Palmer consulted New York Mets doctors, who are never busy in October. "I don't know about his arm, but I know those Bengals party too damn much," said Doc Gooden.
Without Palmer, the Bengals offense is little more than a series of hitch routes and adventurous Fitzpatrick scrambles. "We're pretty much inept," Bratkowski said after the Jets loss; Knute Rockne's estate did not sue for plagiarism. The situation in Cincy is so bad that Chris Perry's rushing Success Rate is 29 percent, which sounds more like Gaylord Perry's batting average allowed or Joe Perry's blood alcohol content circa 1981. Perry may lose his starting job to the Scourge of the Seven Seas himself, Cedric Benson. As apostolic as Big Ben may strive to become, he knows it's not safe to walk on water when Benson is around.
You guessed it: The Steelers will win on Sunday. But will they cover? That question is far less biblical and far more ... sinister.
If you take the "U" out of "STUD", you get STD. I'm just saying.