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An important history lesson for you TRUE Steelers fans!

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Old 01-04-2009, 05:52 PM   #1
sunbiz1
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Default Farmer's Daughters

The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to insure that the young man knew who was in charge.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chucků --" and the farmer shot him.
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Old 01-04-2009, 06:05 PM   #2
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

but if his name was Chuck...what would the girl's name be that would rhyme!? i know what he wanted to do with her...i'm not a moron! but i can't think of a girl's name that rhymes with Chuck!!!

haha! sorry, i hate to rip apart your joke...but i just gotta know, ya know!?
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:38 PM   #3
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

There is no female name I can think of either, just roll with the jokes!.

Golf Lessions:

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by SteelCityKing View Post
but if his name was Chuck...what would the girl's name be that would rhyme!? i know what he wanted to do with her...i'm not a moron! but i can't think of a girl's name that rhymes with Chuck!!!

haha! sorry, i hate to rip apart your joke...but i just gotta know, ya know!?
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:42 PM   #4
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

Black Testicals:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:45 PM   #5
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunbiz1 View Post
Black Testicals:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '


the best joke EVER! haha!
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:54 PM   #6
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

Computer Diagnosis:

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


Quote:
Originally Posted by SteelCityKing View Post




the best joke EVER! haha!
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Old 01-04-2009, 10:51 PM   #7
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunbiz1 View Post
Black Testicals:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:33 PM   #8
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I Like Your Thinking:

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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Old 01-06-2009, 04:04 PM   #9
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

The Bishop and the Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Old 01-07-2009, 11:31 AM   #10
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Default Re: Farmer's Daughters

Wal-Mart Shopper:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and
Welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."
"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor Stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
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