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Old 11-29-2006, 09:36 AM   #1
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Default Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. Indianapolis Colts (10-1): A workmanlike dismantling of Philadelphia was exactly how the Colts were expected to rebound from their first loss of the season, and they did not disappoint. The main storyline from this game was the coming out party of Joseph Addai, which was considered to be quite rude because November 26 had already been reserved for the coming out party of Elijah Wood. While the addition of a formidable running game would certainly make the Colts appear even tougher, they cannot be considered unbeatable until they prove that they can stop the run. Their defense continues to get gashed by running backs, which reminds me: Kudos to Judith Regan and Rupert Murdoch for their decision to cancel the O.J. Simpson book and television special. However, the shower predicts that Judith, Rupert, and O.J. will meet again; on the business end of Satan?s rapestick.

2. Baltimore Ravens (9-2): It pains me to rank this team as high as number two, because I have contended from the start that the Ravens were pretenders. That they were getting lucky week after week. That by the time the playoffs got into full swing, Brian Billick would be joining the broadcast booth, Steve McNair would be loading up his tackle box, and Jamal Lewis would be chiefing like a college freshman after finals. Well, I am officially and begrudgingly backing Baltimore, a fact which may very well lead to three consecutive losses.

3. San Diego Chargers (9-2): It may have been close. It may have been Oakland. But a win is a win. Now, we turn to this week?s edition of ?The GM Corner,? where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today?s question: Who would you rather build an NFL team around, Michael Vick or LaDanian Tomlinson? Join us again next week when we debate the virtues of Eli Manning v. the combined value of Ph-Riv, Shawne Merriman, Roman Oben, and Nate Kaeding.

4. New England Patriots (8-3): A satisfying win over Chicago, but what?s the deal with all the fumbles? The last time a tight end gave it up that many times in a night, Mark Chmura was involved.

5. Chicago Bears (9-2): Opponents are consistently bringing more pass rushers than the Bears can block, and people all over Chicago are learning about the dangers of having unprotected Rex.

6. Dallas Cowboys (7-4): That was the biggest Thanksgiving blowout since the year my Uncle Gino found out he had IBS.

7. Seattle Seahawks (7-4): Shaun Alexander played like the contract year Shaun Alexander, the sight of which caused Mike Shanahan to promptly fill his pants. Speaking of Shanahan?

8. Denver Broncos (7-4): I think it was time for Jake Plummer to get the hook. For the last three weeks, the poor guy has been looking over his shoulder more than Leonardo DiCaprio in the last 45 minutes of The Departed. What is it like when a coach makes the move to switch quarterbacks mid-season? Do you think Shanahan gave Jay Cutler the James Tolkan treatment from Top Gun. ?Plummer was number one, you were number two. Plummer lost it. Turned in his wings. Now you are number one. And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!?

9. New Orleans Saints (7-4): Another Herculean effort from Drew Brees, but this week he avoided the turnovers and the Saints came away with a big divisional road win. And just when you thought the loss of Marques Colston might hurt wide receiver production, Devery Henderson has consecutive 160 yard efforts. Now, we turn to this week?s edition of ?The GM Corner,? where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today?s question: Which receiving core did you project to be the most productive in 2006, Marques Colston and Devery Henderson, or Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, and Mike Williams? Join us again next week when we discuss Matt Millen?s fellatio skills and the significant role that the Shanghai Technique plays in his job security.

10. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4): Since returning to the lineup, Trent Green has thrown for a combined 263 yards, 0 TD, and 1 INT. Yet, KC has gone 2-0 in that stretch precisely because Larry Johnson has enormous genitals. At least, he is playing like he does. And due to that fact, I move that we immediately commence calling Larry Johnson ?Hairy Johnson,? because of his ability to penetrate holes along the line, plow through the labia majora that are opposing secondaries, and score with or without opponent consent. If H.J. can maintain his current level of production, the Chiefs will continue to shoot hot ropes of victory from the barrel of their metaphorical yogurt pistol.

11. Cincinnati Bengals (6-5): Just when you thought the Bengals were tranquilized and ready to have their ears tagged so that we could track their many off-season transgressions, they rattle off two impressive road wins and find themselves right back in the mix. That sets the stage for a huge showdown (cue Electric Light Orchestra) when they return home to host the Baltimore Ravens. ?Headin? for a SHOW DAUUWWN!? Unfortunately, this particular showdown will be viewed by exactly eighty-three people, as it will be shown exclusively on the NFL network. ?Poorly-rated SHOWDAUUWWN!? Personally, I?m so excited about this game that I can?t stop touching my Larry Johnson.

12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5): If Byron Leftwich continues to assert that he is healthy and able to play, how long will it be before Jack Del Rio starts thinking like Chazz Palminteri in Bullets Over Broadway?

13. Carolina Panthers (6-5): As a Bear fan, I breathe just a little easier following every Carolina loss. There are better teams in the NFC, but perhaps no better individual player than Steve Smith. If Jake Delhomme would forego the Lloyd Christmas haircut, the Panthers might be the most intimidating team in the league.

14. New York Jets (6-5): How impressive is this Jets team? Of particularly note is the job being done on the field by Chad Pennington along with the off-the-field work of Eric Mangina. Remember, this team was picked by a lot of experts to finish last in the league. And yet, if the Bears had managed to throw to someone other than Asante Samuel on Sunday, the Jets might find themselves a mere game behind the division-leading Patriots.

15. New York Giants (6-5): Where are the comments from Tiki and Shockey? Was this a case of the Giants being outcoached so clearly and thoroughly that the team didn?t even feel the need to point this out to the media? Incidentally, I hope that we have not heard the last about the Mathias Kiwanuka sack-that-became-a-4th-and-10-conversion play. This league needs to find a balance between protecting the quarterback and fostering defensive aggression. Maybe the NFL should start by testing for HGH? Nah. Anyway, the loss sets the stage for a huge showdown when Dallas comes to the Meadowlands on Sunday. E.L.O.? ?Tuna-Coughlin SHOWDAUUWWN!?
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:59 AM   #2
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

good stuff.
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:38 PM   #3
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

this is good stuff...but i like the Chargers to take it all.....there having a season like we did last year...and everything is bouncing their way
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:56 PM   #4
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Now that's a beautiful piece of writing!!!

60 Minutes, 53 Men, 6 Trophies,1 NATION. . .STEELERS NATION!!!
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Old 11-29-2006, 04:52 PM   #5
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

THAT IS CLASSIC....and I can't even read.
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Old 11-30-2006, 02:45 AM   #6
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Darn--wish EYE'D written that....
(wish I'd have written week 12 (17-32) as well)
"Cheat THAT"!!! - Joey Porter after sacking Peyton Manning ('05 playoff game)
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Old 11-30-2006, 06:13 AM   #7
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Thanks for the laughs - great stuff!

The Anti-Wahoo
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Old 11-30-2006, 06:37 AM   #8
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Default Re: Week 12 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Hey best power rankings I've seen
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