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Old 12-20-2006, 08:22 AM   #1
onemanswarm
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Default Week 15 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. San Diego Chargers (12-2): LaDomlinson is officially the most exciting player in the NFL to watch. He always plays, he always plays well, and he consistently does things that no one else can do. On his first touchdown, he jocked a KC defender so bad, I thought I was watching Buenos Aires High School run the patented Flip 6, 3 Hole play to Johnny Rico. The Chargers would have completely dominated their opponent, but Phrivers was busy running the patented twirl and hurl offense of Uncle Rico.

2. Chicago Bears (12-2): Tommie Harris is lost to injury and Warmachine Trousersnake is just plain lost, leaving the Bears thin at defensive tackle. We?re talking Lindsay-Lohan-after-they-wrapped-production-for-Herbie thin. By the end of the third quarter, Ian Scott and Alfonso Boone were about as fresh as a pack of Parliaments in an Alabama truck stop.

3. Baltimore Ravens (11-3): Flashback to the 2003 NFL Draft and this little nugget from Kyle Boller: ?Somebody bet me lunch that I couldn't throw the ball through the goal posts from the 50-yard line while on my knees. So I got down on my knees, chucked it, and let's just say he took me to lunch the next day. Ever since then, I've done it to show off my arm strength, and I never heard of anyone else doing it.? And he didn?t even have to travel back to ?82 to get the job done. Yeah, that?s two Uncle Rico references in the first three rankings. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

4. Indianapolis Colts (11-3): Whew. I was running out of ways to say that the Colts struggle to stop the run. For Indianapolis, allowing 133 team rushing yards is like an Alpha Chi graduating from ASU with less than three strains of HPV: just a tremendous moral victory. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning went off, causing Joe Theismann to ejaculate fourteen times in a three-hour span. No analyst had achieved double-digits since Marv Albert checked into the Arlington Westin in ?97. PeyMan finished 29/36 for 282 and 4 scores, a performance which earned him a passer rating of Holy-F?n-S, that guy is good!

5. New England Patriots (10-4): The world was shaken to its knees this week when news broke that Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan had decided to part ways. Not really. Actually, theirs had to have been the least followed of all the major celebrity relationships. Where are the weeping throngs who mourned for Reese and Ryan? What makes Tony and Eva so great that Access Hollywood has to spend all of its unconditional love on them? If TomKat was good enough to earn courtship from the Church of Scientology, why wasn?t TomBridge? Following the breakup, sources have alleged that Brady initiated the split precisely because Moynahan?s questionable celebrity was not earning him the off-season attention he craved. I believe it goes much deeper than that. Call me crazy, but the emerald cut sapphire earrings Moynahan wore to the ESPY?s had Bill Belichick?s fingerprints all over them.

6. New Orleans Saints (9-5): Was this just a classic trap game against a weak conference opponent sandwiched between two tough contests on the road? Or is Jason Campbell the worst thing to happen to New Orleans since the Heineken looter?

7. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Not since the Monica Lewinski scandal have the particles expelled from a man?s mouth been so newsworthy. If he?s smart, T.O. will take a page out of Pacman Jones? book and save the face-spitting for off the field. ESPN couldn?t care less about that.

8. New York Jets (8-6): Losses this week for Cincinnati and Jacksonville have erased New York?s loss to Buffalo like a simple swipe of my hand erases a dirty picture from my niece?s Magna Doodle. With remaining games at Miami and against Oakland, the Jets have the easiest remaining schedule and the inside track for an AFC Wild Card berth.


9. Cincinnati Bengals (8-6): The Colts needed that win more than the Bengals, and it showed in how the two teams played. If Carson & Co. can regain their form for the next two weeks at Denver and against Pittsburgh, they?re playing off. But Pittsburgh would love nothing more than to play spoiler for Cincinnati in front of the Bengal faithful. Is there such a thing as the Bengal faithful?

10. Philadelphia Eagles (8-6): If the Eagles make the playoffs, how do you deny 36-year-old Jeff Garcia the Comeback Player of the Year? The guy is a consummate team performer, as you can see from his comments following the win over the New York Giants, ?The guys in that locker room have been bending over backward for me, and for each other, all season long. A couple times, I managed to put our defense in a sticky situation, but they were able to overcome that with tremendous penetration. As a team, I feel that we are really starting to come together.? Dramatization: May not have happened.

11. Seattle Seahawks (8-6): The Seahawks are falling faster than those dudes that got blown off the top of Mt. Hood. Too cold? Yeah, I suppose it was a little cold. But not as cold as it is at the top of Mt. Hood. Just ask their friend, the corpsicle in the snow cave.

12. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6): When the Jags miss the playoffs by one game, Jack Del Rio will paper the walls of his office with little pictures that he draws depicting him in the act of slaughtering longhorns. Each picture will be given a rhyming caption, such as, ?How now, Houston cow? When I machete your legs, you?ll have to bow!? The shower makes many strange predictions, each with deadly precision.

13. Denver Broncos (8-6): Nice win. Wake me up when they can beat not-the-Cardinals.

14. Kansas City Chiefs (7-7): Maybe they should get Larry Johnson a blacker coach. I mean, Herm Edwards is black and all. But he could be blacker.

15. Atlanta Falcons (7-7): The Falcons will finish 8-8, missing the playoffs in an atrocious National Football Conference, and there will only be one thing on the minds of everyone associated with the Atlanta football franchise: a Week 9 loss to Detroit. No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No!

16. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): It?s difficult to believe, but the Steelers are still alive. Their vital statistics are falling fast, their kids have already scheduled a reading of the will, and the yellowish guy in the neighboring gurney is drooling over their ripe liver, but the brain is still functioning, and recovery, while unlikely, cannot yet be ruled out.
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Old 12-20-2006, 08:58 AM   #2
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Very nice
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:55 AM   #3
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (1-16)

Quote:
Originally Posted by onemanswarm View Post
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. San Diego Chargers (12-2): LaDomlinson is officially the most exciting player in the NFL to watch. He always plays, he always plays well, and he consistently does things that no one else can do. On his first touchdown, he jocked a KC defender so bad, I thought I was watching Buenos Aires High School run the patented Flip 6, 3 Hole play to Johnny Rico. The Chargers would have completely dominated their opponent, but Phrivers was busy running the patented twirl and hurl offense of Uncle Rico.

2. Chicago Bears (12-2): Tommie Harris is lost to injury and Warmachine Trousersnake is just plain lost, leaving the Bears thin at defensive tackle. We?re talking Lindsay-Lohan-after-they-wrapped-production-for-Herbie thin. By the end of the third quarter, Ian Scott and Alfonso Boone were about as fresh as a pack of Parliaments in an Alabama truck stop.

3. Baltimore Ravens (11-3): Flashback to the 2003 NFL Draft and this little nugget from Kyle Boller: ?Somebody bet me lunch that I couldn't throw the ball through the goal posts from the 50-yard line while on my knees. So I got down on my knees, chucked it, and let's just say he took me to lunch the next day. Ever since then, I've done it to show off my arm strength, and I never heard of anyone else doing it.? And he didn?t even have to travel back to ?82 to get the job done. Yeah, that?s two Uncle Rico references in the first three rankings. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

4. Indianapolis Colts (11-3): Whew. I was running out of ways to say that the Colts struggle to stop the run. For Indianapolis, allowing 133 team rushing yards is like an Alpha Chi graduating from ASU with less than three strains of HPV: just a tremendous moral victory. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning went off, causing Joe Theismann to ejaculate fourteen times in a three-hour span. No analyst had achieved double-digits since Marv Albert checked into the Arlington Westin in ?97. PeyMan finished 29/36 for 282 and 4 scores, a performance which earned him a passer rating of Holy-F?n-S, that guy is good!

5. New England Patriots (10-4): The world was shaken to its knees this week when news broke that Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan had decided to part ways. Not really. Actually, theirs had to have been the least followed of all the major celebrity relationships. Where are the weeping throngs who mourned for Reese and Ryan? What makes Tony and Eva so great that Access Hollywood has to spend all of its unconditional love on them? If TomKat was good enough to earn courtship from the Church of Scientology, why wasn?t TomBridge? Following the breakup, sources have alleged that Brady initiated the split precisely because Moynahan?s questionable celebrity was not earning him the off-season attention he craved. I believe it goes much deeper than that. Call me crazy, but the emerald cut sapphire earrings Moynahan wore to the ESPY?s had Bill Belichick?s fingerprints all over them.

6. New Orleans Saints (9-5): Was this just a classic trap game against a weak conference opponent sandwiched between two tough contests on the road? Or is Jason Campbell the worst thing to happen to New Orleans since the Heineken looter?

7. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Not since the Monica Lewinski scandal have the particles expelled from a man?s mouth been so newsworthy. If he?s smart, T.O. will take a page out of Pacman Jones? book and save the face-spitting for off the field. ESPN couldn?t care less about that.

8. New York Jets (8-6): Losses this week for Cincinnati and Jacksonville have erased New York?s loss to Buffalo like a simple swipe of my hand erases a dirty picture from my niece?s Magna Doodle. With remaining games at Miami and against Oakland, the Jets have the easiest remaining schedule and the inside track for an AFC Wild Card berth.


9. Cincinnati Bengals (8-6): The Colts needed that win more than the Bengals, and it showed in how the two teams played. If Carson & Co. can regain their form for the next two weeks at Denver and against Pittsburgh, they?re playing off. But Pittsburgh would love nothing more than to play spoiler for Cincinnati in front of the Bengal faithful. Is there such a thing as the Bengal faithful?

10. Philadelphia Eagles (8-6): If the Eagles make the playoffs, how do you deny 36-year-old Jeff Garcia the Comeback Player of the Year? The guy is a consummate team performer, as you can see from his comments following the win over the New York Giants, ?The guys in that locker room have been bending over backward for me, and for each other, all season long. A couple times, I managed to put our defense in a sticky situation, but they were able to overcome that with tremendous penetration. As a team, I feel that we are really starting to come together.? Dramatization: May not have happened.

11. Seattle Seahawks (8-6): The Seahawks are falling faster than those dudes that got blown off the top of Mt. Hood. Too cold? Yeah, I suppose it was a little cold. But not as cold as it is at the top of Mt. Hood. Just ask their friend, the corpsicle in the snow cave.

12. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6): When the Jags miss the playoffs by one game, Jack Del Rio will paper the walls of his office with little pictures that he draws depicting him in the act of slaughtering longhorns. Each picture will be given a rhyming caption, such as, ?How now, Houston cow? When I machete your legs, you?ll have to bow!? The shower makes many strange predictions, each with deadly precision.

13. Denver Broncos (8-6): Nice win. Wake me up when they can beat not-the-Cardinals.

14. Kansas City Chiefs (7-7): Maybe they should get Larry Johnson a blacker coach. I mean, Herm Edwards is black and all. But he could be blacker.

15. Atlanta Falcons (7-7): The Falcons will finish 8-8, missing the playoffs in an atrocious National Football Conference, and there will only be one thing on the minds of everyone associated with the Atlanta football franchise: a Week 9 loss to Detroit. No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No!

16. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): It?s difficult to believe, but the Steelers are still alive. Their vital statistics are falling fast, their kids have already scheduled a reading of the will, and the yellowish guy in the neighboring gurney is drooling over their ripe liver, but the brain is still functioning, and recovery, while unlikely, cannot yet be ruled out.
And how can you have the steelers number 16. Espically after a very convencing win in carolina
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:15 AM   #4
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (1-16)

"warmachine trousersnake"
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:45 AM   #5
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (1-16)

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And how can you have the steelers number 16. Espically after a very convencing win in carolina
Well, they're ranked higher than Carolina. If you're looking for a detailed explanation, I look at it this way: The teams ranked higher than Pittsburgh have a better chance of making the playoffs than the Steelers. That's my opinion based on their current .500 record and their remaining games against Baltimore and @Cincinnati.
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