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Old 12-20-2006, 09:23 AM   #1
onemanswarm
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Default Week 15 Shower Rankings (17-32)

17. Tennessee Titans (7-7): The Titans lost the yardage battle by a margin of 4:1 (396-98). They were on the short end of T.O.P. by a 3:1 ratio (44:22-15:38). They managed 5 first downs to Jacksonville?s 23. They were 0 for 8 on third down. They averaged an anemic 3.2 yards per pass play. But they scored 21 defensive points and won by 7. All of this goes to show that numbers are like your brother-in-law: they lie when they have to.

18. Buffalo Bills (7-7): The Bills put a spirited thrashing on their AFC East rival Miami Dolphins, knocking them from playoff contention in the process. Bills fans began celebrating the victory in style, but quickly recognized that their team is coached by Dick Jauron, and began to beat their wives.

19. New York Giants (7-7): EelMan seems like he might be pretty bad. That was a big game for him and he responded by filling his pants. Are Giants fans allowed to speak the name Philip Rivers, or does he have the whole Lord Voldemort thing going for him?

20. Miami Dolphins (6-8): There are six 6-8 teams, but only one of them plays in the AFC, where 6 wins in 14 tries is actually somewhat of an accomplishment. That said, I could not have been happier to see my first Cleo Lemon highlights. If you ask me, the Dolphins? future is in very good hands. Very good, citrus fresh hands.

21. Minnesota Vikings (6-8): Switching from Brad Johnson to Tarvaras Jackson may prove to be the equivalent of getting it on with your lady and moving from the brown to the pink: If a quarterback change was needed, switching from Jackson to Johnson would have been the tighter, more hygienic alternative.

22. San Francisco 49ers (6-8): Alex Smith has officially joined Joe Montana, Steve Young, and Jeff Garcia in the pantheon of San Francisco quarterbacks with a penchant for coming from behind. Of course, Garcia never did lead a comeback.

23. St. Louis Rams (6-8): A win over Oakland still counts as a win. It shouldn?t, but it does.

24. Green Bay Packers (6-8): Favre reverted to the 2005 Favre, but the Lions were still the 2001-Present Lions. With two divisional games remaining, the Packers still have an outside shot at the playoffs. Similarly, with two years left to live, my grandfather still has an outside chance with Anna Nicole.

25. Carolina Panthers (6-8): This team is just horrible without the leadership of Lloyd Christmas under center. With 8:52 remaining, I saw a befuddled Steve Smith splashing around in a puddle of his own sick.

26. Washington Redskins (5-9): Ladell Betts is the best replacement for a black superstar with an interest in cross-dressing since Will Smith took over for Eddie Murphy.

27. Houston Texans (4-10): The Houston Texans did accomplish one of their goals for this game, as they managed to hold Vinnie Testaverde to negative rushing yards. Sorry, I know that?s weak, but it was the only non-I-can?t-believe-they-picked-Mario-Williams thing I could think of. Please feel free to send your suggestions to touchmyson@yahoo.com

28. Arizona Cardinals (4-10): Punter Scott Player?s ?facemask? is one of the funniest things in the world of organized sport. The single bar facemask is inherently unlikely to protect one?s face in the event that one finds oneself playing football. And in Scott Player?s case, he has managed to make the one-bar even less effective. On Player?s helmet, the bar is angled down away from his face. It really appears to be more of a throatmask than anything. His Adam?s apple is guarded, while his face remains wide open to attack. Scott Player is going to die, on the field, of a caved-in skull.

29. Cleveland Browns (4-10): Rookie linebacker Leon Williams started his first game and played well, recording 11 tackles and a forced fumble. Prior to the game, as the team huddled in the tunnel awaiting their introduction, Williams reportedly stood up, and addressed his team, stating, ?Alright, chums. Let?s do this! LEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOON WIIIIIILLLLIAMS!? as he ran solo out onto the field.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-11): That was the most intriguing comeback attempt since Michael Winslow changed his name to Isaiah Washington and parlayed his Police Academy role into a dramatic turn as Dr. Preston Burke on Grey?s Anatomy.

31. Oakland Raiders (2-12): Art Shell clearly paints his eyelids to look like eyeballs so that he can sleep during the games. One of the characters did that in Ski School, and it looked exactly the same. I bet you anything that Art Shell has a whale-song CD being pumped in through his headphones. Now all I have to do is figure out how he rigged that harness system to support his considerable girth in an upright position.

32. Detroit Lions (2-12): The Matt Millen era of Detroit Lions football is the Timothy Dalton era of 007. Everyone, regardless of their loyalties, would prefer to imagine that it just never happened.
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:54 AM   #2
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (17-32)

How do you have the niners 22 after beating the seahawks
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:56 AM   #3
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (17-32)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Big D View Post
How do you have the niners 22 after beating the seahawks

Honestly, because to me, that joke played better when I sandwiched it between the Vikings and the Rams. To be completely frank, I think power rankings are worthless. They're way too subjective and they change like the wind depending on whether the team won or lost their most recent game. If you are a critical consumer of the NFL product (as I'm sure you are), you know who the contenders and pretenders are, and do not need someone else to tell you. For me, rankings provide an opportunity to take a weekly look at the most recent storylines in the league, and attempt to saturate them with my own sense of humor.
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Old 12-20-2006, 12:00 PM   #4
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Default Re: Week 15 Shower Rankings (17-32)

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Originally Posted by onemanswarm View Post
Honestly, because to me, that joke played better when I sandwiched it between the Vikings and the Rams. To be completely frank, I think power rankings are worthless. They're way too subjective and they change like the wind depending on whether the team won or lost their most recent game. If you are a critical consumer of the NFL product (as I'm sure you are), you know who the contenders and pretenders are, and do not need someone else to tell you. For me, rankings provide an opportunity to take a weekly look at the most recent storylines in the league, and attempt to saturate them with my own sense of humor.
lol. yeah, that pretty much what i take from it.

for example:

Quote:
21. Minnesota Vikings (6-8): Switching from Brad Johnson to Tarvaras Jackson may prove to be the equivalent of getting it on with your lady and moving from the brown to the pink: If a quarterback change was needed, switching from Jackson to Johnson would have been the tighter, more hygienic alternative.
great stuff. keep it up. definitely an entertaining read!
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