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Old 12-28-2006, 03:20 PM   #1
onemanswarm
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Default Shower Rankings -- Week 16 (Part I) (Rank 1-16)

Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. San Diego Chargers (13-2): Are Chargers fans at all worried about Phrivers? recent completion percentage? Assistant District Attorney Dan Fielding didn?t make this many fruitless passes.

2. Chicago Bears (13-2): Tank Johnson has returned to active duty aboard the U.S.S. Kahkenbalz and will probably see time against Green Bay. Chiwetel Ejiofor will be looking for additional carries as Thomas Jones continues to nurse a bad ankle. Grieseman expects to scorch a poor Green Bay secondary. Give the points and take the over.

3. Baltimore Ravens (12-3): The Ravens are the AFC team with the best shot of knocking off the Chargers. Of course, if you believe the experts at ESPN, that is similar to saying that Trap-Jaw is the villain with the best shot of knocking off He-Man. Ain?t gonna happen.

4. New England Patriots (11-4): With 7:07 remaining, Tom Brady scrambled for a first down, and took a monster hit from Clint Ingram, which left the Patriots? quarterback writhing on the field. Before CBS could even run the first replay, Heaven was mobbed by 13 million incoming requests, each beginning with ?Deah Goaahd.?

5. Indianapolis Colts (11-4): Monday, the Colts positively thrashed one of the hottest, most talented teams in the league. Six days later, they got carved like a Christmas goose by The Great Dayne and his Texans teammates. All of this serves as evidence that the Indianapolis Colts are the Aaron Stampler of the NFL.

6. New Orleans Saints (10-5): Once again, Sean Payton demonstrated why he is the front-runner for Coach of the Year honors, as he led an offensive attack that was more favorably balanced than a 9-gram quad.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6): Jeff Garcia passed and ran the ball to great effect, leading the Eagles to a huge win over Dallas, and cementing his place as the NFL Comeback Player of the Year. The trophy will probably go on his mantle next to the NFL Come-on-My-Back Player of the Year awards he has won each year since 1999.

8. New York Jets (9-6): The Jets came away with an enormous win in an unwatchable game that earned votes for the worst holiday television since Carrie Fisher serenaded Chewie, Malla, and Lumpy with her rendition of ?Life Day.?

9. Dallas Cowboys (9-6): Jack Twist never got cornholed as violently as these Cowboys did on Christmas.

10. Denver Broncos (9-6): Did you hear on CBS that Jay Cutler is from Santa Claus, Indiana? Not sure if you had heard that or not, because it seems somehow fitting that a quarterback from Santa Claus, Indiana would perform well and earn a victory on Christmas Eve. You know, because of the connection between Christmas and Santa Claus? Turns out that?s where Jay Cutler is from. Santa Claus, Indiana. Which is kind of an amazing coincidence. At least, it?s a coincidence when he starts a game on Christmas Eve. I thought it might be worth mentioning. Being that he comes from a town called Santa Claus, and all. Santa Claus, Indiana. Jay Cutler. Santa Claus. Christmas. CBS. Cutler Claus.

11. Cincinnati Bengals (8-7): Brad St. Louis will go down as the second most criticized snapper of 2006 (B. Spears).

12. Seattle Seahawks (8-7): Lofa Tatupu was the sole Seahawk in the celebratory spirit as Seattle backed its way into a third consecutive NFC West championship. ?We may have won it by default,? said Tatupu, ?but the eight games we have won, we've earned it.? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault!

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-7): Umpire Garth DeFelice was hit in the neck by a David Garrard pass and was taken to Baptist Hospital where Reverend Cleophus James offered to usher him into the light. The invitation was declined by DeFelice. James apparently proceeded without him.

14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-7): Are you desperate to snap a three-game losing streak? Need to get back above .500? Playoff chances withering faster than Brett Favre?s butt cheeks? America West Airlines now flies direct to Oakland International Airport. America West: You?re Not the Only Ones with Reservations.

15. Tennessee Titans (8-7): Sean Payton is going to win Coach of the Year, and Eric Mangini will be a close runner-up. But Jeff Fisher clearly deserves some recognition for coaching excellence in a season in which his team started 0-5, yet managed to play meaningful football through week 17 with an outside shot at post season play. Therefore, I am pleased to present the First Annual Jeff Fisher Award for Coaching Excellence in a Season in Which a Team Started 0-5, Yet Managed to Play Meaningful Football Through Week 17 With an Outside Shot at Post Season Play to? [opening envelope]?[reading results]?[looking pleasantly surprised]?Jeff Fisher!

16. New York Giants (7-8): Eli Manning threw two passes on his opening drive, completing both for 55 yards and a touchdown. Over the next 57 minutes and 43 seconds, he completed 7 of 23 for 19 yards and an INT. What?s Jesse Palmer up to these days? Sure he sucks, but at least he?s dreamy.
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