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Old 12-28-2006, 02:21 PM   #1
onemanswarm
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Default Shower Rankings -- Week 16 (Part II) (Rank 17-32)

17. Buffalo Bills (7-8): Welcome to another episode of The Coach?s Clipboard, where you match wits with some of the sharpest minds in the NFL. Today, we examine the following scenario: It?s week 16. Your team is down by one point at home, a potential playoff berth on the line. You have the ball, 4th and 5 at your opponent?s 28 yard line, with under a minute remaining. Your place kicker is a career-best 5/5 for the game, including a kick of identical distance from the same end of the field. What do you do? Obviously, you attempt the winning field goal with your red-hot kicker who already made one from the same spot, right? Wrong. Dick Jauron explains why it is superior to play for the conversion, even if your offense had previously gone 2 of 10 on 3rd down, ?It's not very often, in an NFL game, you see a player sitting on the bench eating a sandwich.?

18. Green Bay Packers (7-8): I am a Bear fan, and it so happens that I will be in Green Bay to celebrate New Year?s Eve. If circumstances dictate that the Packers control their own playoff destiny when Football Night in America rolls around, I am going to have an e-Rex-ion harder than a cheese curd buried in a Saukville snow bank.

19. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-8): A few weeks ago, I argued that the Pittsburgh Steelers were putting forth the least spirited title defense since Balboa-Lang. I was wrong. Balboa-Thunderlips is more like it.

20. Atlanta Falcons (7-8): The shower does not buy into the whole Mike Vick coach-killer thing. First of all, the only coach-killer recognized by the shower is Latrell Sprewell, who should really be considered more of a coach-aggravated-assaulter. How can any player be a coach-killer when the coach?s job is to use his players in a system that will give them the best opportunity to succeed? If Mike Vick is costing Atlanta its best chance to win, then Jim Mora owes it to himself and to his team to play Matt Schaub. Then Vick, along with his 130 million dollar contract, would no longer be a coach-killer. He would become a GM-killer, instead. At least we know Rich McKay?s dad won?t be calling into any radio talk shows.

21. St. Louis Rams (7-8): Lost in the shuffle of a thrilling overtime victory was news that Steven Jackson was named The Sporting News ?Athlete most likely to be cast in the title role of Predator 3.? I, for one, feel that this recognition is long overdue. Sure, a lot of guys in the NFL have Predlocks, but only S-Jax has oversized, dual-axis mandibles and a self-destruct button built into his forearm.

22. Carolina Panthers (7-8): Two weeks ago, I criticized the logic of a game plan in which John Fox asked Chris Weinke, loser of 15 consecutive starts, to throw the ball 61 times. Not surprisingly, Weinke?s dubious streak was extended to 16 consecutive losses. Then 17. Then, against Atlanta, John Fox finally found a way to win with Weinke: a 7:1 run to pass ratio.

23. Miami Dolphins (6-9): The loss to the Jets ensures that Nick Saban will experience his first losing season as a head coach. Once official, the ?no-losing-seasons? distinction will be removed from the ?trivia? heading of Saban?s Wikipedia biography. This, in turn, will enhance the visibility of the factoid that Saban?s grandfather was named Stanko. Stank-O sounds like he could be a halfway decent Thundercat. He could spray urine on his enemies and refuse to bury his stools.

24. San Francisco 49ers (6-9): Fact: If the 49ers didn?t get swept by the Arizona Cardinals, they would be very much alive in the NFC playoff race. Fact: Any team that gets swept by the Arizona Cardinals has no business stepping foot on the playoff racetrack. Or the porcupine racetrack, for that matter. So, God if you?re above, and it?s orphans that you love, then please help the porcupine I chose. Fact: 9 out of 10 people have absolutely no idea what that last tangent was in reference to. The tenth is laughing heartily about something he hasn?t seen in twelve years.

25. Minnesota Vikings (6-9): If your leading receiver has 18 yards, you are not allowed to win in the NFL as of 1924.

26. Houston Texans (5-10): Congratulations to the Houston Texans, who recorded their first ever victory over the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday. To me, this is kind of like beating my brother-in-law Pete in any contest involving trivia. I?m severely out-gunned, but I know that if I can hang in there and take enough beatings, eventually, I?m going to get lucky and win one. That?s when I retire with the belt.

27. Arizona Cardinals (5-10): Matt Leinart is out for the season, meaning that it will be up to Kurt Warner to manage the high-power Cardinal offense while maintaining an expertly-manicured dirty shortbeard, suspended in a perpetual state of 9 o?clock shadow.

28. Washington Redskins (5-10): The Redskins put Shawn Springs on IR and released Mike Rumph, leaving their secondary with the second most conspicuous gap of 2006 (B. Spears).

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-11): Chris Simms signed a multi-year extension with Tampa Bay, suggesting that he will be around for awhile. I believe that now is the time to bestow a spleen-related nickname upon Chris Simms. Something that will stick for the remainder of his career and remind people that he has no spleen. Had Chris followed in his father?s footsteps in New York, he could have been the Jolly Spleen Giant. But he didn?t, so we will have to work harder. The Spleen Lantern? Mean Joe Spleen? Lean, Mean, Sans Spleen Machine? Mr. Spleen? Albi-no-Spleen? Spleenage Wasteland? Phil Simms Could Have No Fat, His Son Could Have No Spleen?

30. Cleveland Browns (4-11): Cleveland isn?t the worst team in the league, just the least interesting. Braylon Edwards likely has some talent, but he hasn?t done anything. Kellen Winslow is more interesting off the field than he ever has been on it. Reuben Droughns is about as entertaining as his name would suggest, and the average NFL fan probably can?t name a single player on the Browns? defense. When Willie McGinest left New England in free agency, he may as well have been stepping into a Skarko-bound TARDIS.

31. Oakland Raiders (2-13): If the Raiders can defeat the Jets, they can play spoiler and end their own season on a high note. However, since the Raiders cannot defeat the Jets, they will establish a new franchise record for losses in a season, and Al Davis will be forced to take a good, long look in the mirror. Not to reflect on the questionable nature of his decision-making, mind you. Rather, for Al Davis, a long look in the mirror is punishment akin to self-flagellation.

32. Detroit Lions (2-13): What happened to the walkout? Did someone shoot Cyrus just as everyone was getting ready to mobilize? Can you count to 8:57, sucka?s? Apparently not.
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Old 12-28-2006, 02:45 PM   #2
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Default Re: Shower Rankings -- Week 16 (17-32) (Part II)

I changed the title of the threads a bit, onemanswarm, so that members don't think these are duplicate threads.
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Old 12-28-2006, 02:56 PM   #3
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Default Re: Shower Rankings -- Week 16 (17-32) (Part II)

Quote:
Originally Posted by HometownGal View Post
I changed the title of the threads a bit, onemanswarm, so that members don't think these are duplicate threads.
Thanks!
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Old 12-28-2006, 03:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: Shower Rankings -- Week 16 (Part II) (Rank 17-32)

Very funny - kudos.

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They've been great for a while now, three Super Bowls' worth of great. But only this season have the New England Patriots become The Show, the must-see team of stars, pretty boys and reformed bad boys. Suddenly, the Patriots are not simply great; they're compelling, fascinating, appearing to be almighty and a touch lawless.
The Patriots didn't bother with swagger to start this NFL season; they went straight to defiant. Either you're one of them or you're about to get crushed.
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