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Old 06-19-2007, 11:52 AM   #1
lamberts-lost-tooth
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Default LLT's New felony football league

Tired of Fantasy Football Leagues with rulebooks so lengthy and scoring formulas so complex you lose sight of what the game of football is really all about? Try LLT's Felony Football League, where the rules are so simple even a Bengal Fan can understand them, and the scoring formula rewards you for your knowledge of what it really takes to make it in the world of pro sports today!
Here’s how it works:
Get a group of friends together. Boast to each other about how much football minutiae you’ve needlessly cluttered your brain with. Watch a preseason game played largely by untalented walk-ons who won’t make the final rosters..... Drink heavily..... Then sign up for the bargain price of $500 per person! Finally, select the eleven players who will make up your Felony Football Team. You must pick the specified number of players from each of the following classifications:



3 Convicted Felons
3 Accused Criminals
2 Drug Abusers
2 Disciplinary Problems
1 Player with a Disturbing Psychological Profile

*NOTE* In the spirit of fair play, no owner can have more than 3 Bengal Players on their roster.


Points are then rewarded on the basis of individual players’ accomplishments. Scoring falls under four basic categories:

1) Showboating Highlights
2) Immature Comments/Me-First Mentality
3) Violations of League Policy
4) Criminal Charges

The team owner with the most points at the end of the season is the champion! The prize is a 5% discount on next year’s league membership, plus a Denver Bronco's Maurice Clarett Rookie Card (while supplies last)!




Here’s how the point scoring system breaks down:


Showboating Highlights

1) Your player is the star of a SportsCenter highlight clip = 3 points
2) Your player’s highlight is the inspiration for a SportsCenter anchor to coin any obnoxious new catchphrase = 5 points
3) Your player performs an absurd, spastic touchdown dance that resembles a cross between the Hustle, the Cabbage Patch and a wounded bird = 4 points
4) Your player celebrates his own awesomeness with a sack dance = 3 points
5) Your player celebrates his own awesomeness with a sack dance, ignoring the penalty flag that negates his efforts =4 points
6) Your player taunts the opposing team by running backwards and wagging his finger at them for the last ten yards of his kickoff/punt return touchdown = 3 points




Immature Comments/Me-First Mentality

1) Your player holds out one year after signing a four year contract = 7 points
2) Your player holds out two years after signing a four year contract because someone else on the team held out one year after signing a four year contract = 5 points
3) Your player holds out three years after signing a four year contract because he feels that he should be compensated for not holding out after year one = 3 points
4) Your player commits a penalty, on third down... after the play... giving the other team a first down and ultimately the winning score = 7 points
5) Your player makes negative, deflecting remarks about teamates and/or coach after commiting said penalty= 6 points



Violations of League Policy

1) Your player is suspended for failing a drug test = 3 points
2) Your player claims his failed drug test is the result of "poppy seed bagels" = 4 points
3) Your player fails a second drug test and claims it is the result of "More poppy seed bagels..."Stupid Bakery!!" = 5 points
4) Your player is caught on camera doing drugs on the sideline during a timeout = 6 points
5) Your player is caught on camera doing drugs on the sideline during a timeout, and blames his resulting suspension on "the Jewish right wing sportscasting media, masterminded by Terry Bradshaw" = 9 points
6) Your player tests positive for steroids = 2 points
7) Your player denies taking steroids and then explodes in a rage when questioned about it by reporters, foaming at the mouth and breaking chairs over people’s heads until he has to be restrained by security personnel = 5 points



Criminal Charges

1) Your player is arrested for beating his wife/girlfriend = 2 points
2) Your player signs a lucrative new contract just days after being arrested for beating his wife/girlfriend = 5 points
3) Your player gets arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer = 2 points
4) Your player gets arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer mere hours before kickoff time of the biggest game of the season = 3 points
5) Your player gets arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer mere hours after receiving the Upstanding Citizen and Good Role Model for Impressionable Youth Award = 4 points
6) Your player is arrested on a murder charge = 5 points
7) Your player is arrested on a murder charge during Neil Diamond and Lil’ Kim’s duet of "It’s a Small World After All" at the halftime ceremony of the Super Bowl = 9 points



Why is LLT's league different from other Fantasy Leagues? Take a look at some of our special features:



Crime Tracking – Our police blotter gives you up-to-date news on which players are in trouble with the law. We also list court trials that are pending, and cases where a plea bargain has been reached.


Psychiatric Evaluations – Our noted team of experts files extensive reports on all the players’ psyches – violent tendencies, addictive personalities, arrested stages of development and so much more!


Drug Stings – Members of our elite staff infiltrate popular hangouts of the pros, befriend them, do drugs in their presence and then offer to share the drugs. We keep you informed on which players accept the drugs, and whether or not they use phony urine samples to dodge league-mandated drug tests.


Please send all proceeds to the: LLT needs to drive a brand new jeep while mocking those who joined the league foundation.

Last edited by lamberts-lost-tooth; 06-19-2007 at 01:13 PM.
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:05 PM   #2
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league



you got way too much time on your hands, bro! count me in!
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony hipchest View Post


you got way too much time on your hands, bro! count me in!
I will be expecting your check
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Old 06-19-2007, 01:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Quote:
Originally Posted by lamberts-lost-tooth View Post

Please send all proceeds to the: LLT needs to drive a brand new jeep while mocking those who joined the league foundation.
Ya need a catchier name, dude!
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The Patriots didn't bother with swagger to start this NFL season; they went straight to defiant. Either you're one of them or you're about to get crushed.
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Old 06-19-2007, 01:52 PM   #5
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Quote:
7) Your player is arrested on a murder charge during Neil Diamond and Lil? Kim?s duet of "It?s a Small World After All" at the halftime ceremony of the Super Bowl = 9 points
Hold on now...

That one would actually be justified!!!
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Old 06-19-2007, 01:58 PM   #6
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Here are my 5 bills:

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Old 06-19-2007, 02:01 PM   #7
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

hey LLT, since fantasy football is a billion dollar a year industry i just spent $500 to trade mark the rules to Felony Fantasy Football League , and set up a website! thanks

could you imagine? it would almost be 1/15th as cool as starting "girls gone wild".
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Old 06-19-2007, 02:19 PM   #8
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Or "Bengals gone wild'.
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Old 06-19-2007, 02:25 PM   #9
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Quote:
Originally Posted by fansince'76 View Post
Here are my 5 bills:

Ok fansince, we know it's fake. Don't you know the Highest money in circulation is the $100.
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Old 06-19-2007, 02:36 PM   #10
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Default Re: LLT's New felony football league

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony hipchest View Post
hey LLT, since fantasy football is a billion dollar a year industry i just spent $500 to trade mark the rules to Felony Fantasy Football League , and set up a website! thanks

could you imagine? it would almost be 1/15th as cool as starting "girls gone wild".
COOL!!!!......hey.......
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