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Old 06-25-2007, 03:50 PM   #1
wiqidjuggalo
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Default A shocking experience!

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife
-- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety.
-----------WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing
out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed
to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

yeah, really shocking.
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Old 06-27-2007, 01:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

could you imagine how stupid that guy would have felt if his wife would have found him on the floor?
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Old 06-27-2007, 01:40 PM   #4
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

i have some cops in the family and when we have a family party or get together sometimes they will stop by on duty. i had a few beers one time and volunteered to be tasered in front of everybody. (the 1 second burst)

it hurts but it was pretty cool and most of all, funny!
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Old 06-27-2007, 04:12 PM   #5
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

Better keep that thing away from Verks36 and his buddy.
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Old 06-27-2007, 04:51 PM   #6
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 83-Steelers-43 View Post
Better keep that thing away from Verks36 and his buddy.
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Old 06-27-2007, 05:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

That was a good laugh.
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Old 06-29-2007, 05:10 AM   #8
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Default Re: A shocking experience!

Quote:
Originally Posted by wiqidjuggalo View Post
(. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
Careful, Brady Quinn might take you up on that offer
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