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Old 10-22-2007, 10:03 PM   #1
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Default George Steinbrenner Turns Over Control Of Yankees to Friendly Pigeon

George Steinbrenner Turns Over Control Of Yankees to Friendly Pigeon

Fears that the declining mental health of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner would hurt the team may have come true today, as the 77-year-old owner has announced that he is turning over day-to-day operation of the team to Mr. Flappy ? a friendly pigeon that frequents the window ledge outside of the bedroom of his Tampa residence.

?I am very pleased to announce that Mr. Flappy will be making all the decisions on the future of the Yankees from now on,? said Steinbrenner. ?Come here, Mr. Flappy. Come here. Oh, no. No, no! Don?t take pictures of Mr. Flappy. It scares him. Whoops. See there. He craps Yankees white. Right on my shoulder.?

Steinbrenner said he considered handing operations of the team over to his sons, Hank and Hal, but ultimately decided against it.

?Running such a high-profile team as the Yankees requires a special set of abilities,? said Steinbrenner. ?Mr. Flappy can fly. My sons can?t. What else do I need to know??

The longtime Yankees owner said his bond with Mr. Flappy has developed over the past year.

?Part of the reason I have been spending so much time in Tampa in stead of New York over the past year is because I?ve been mentoring Mr. Flappy,? said Steinbrenner. ?He?s a great listener. He really wants to learn about the business of baseball. But not that he is always silent. He talks, too. In fact, he has been talking to me more and more lately. He never talks when other people are in the room, though.?

Hal Steinbrenner admits his disappointment over his father?s decision.

?I wanted to take over the team, but there are more important things in life,? he said. ?For instance, I now know that my father really needs help and should be in a home. I thought he was just losing a little bit of lucidity. Nope. He?s totally batsh-t insane. I think he might be endangering himself. Today I overheard him talking to that pigeon about trying to fly out the window with him.?

Yankees manager Joe Torre says he is waiting to hear if Mr. Flappy will keep him on as manager.

?I want to stay in New York, and I hope Mr. Flappy wants me,? said Torre. ?And, you know, I?m sad to say but a pigeon deciding my fate based on power he was given by an insane old man doesn?t seem all that odd to me after being here for 12 years. It?s kind of par for the course. I?m actually looking forward to working under a pigeon. It would be a welcome change.?

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Old 10-26-2007, 03:35 PM   #2
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Default Re: George Steinbrenner Turns Over Control Of Yankees to Friendly Pigeon

SCM, have y9u been reading the onion recently?
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