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Old 04-17-2009, 12:13 PM   #1
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Default Retrosexual

After reading the exchange of views about guns in the Rendell thread, I thought another perspective might be useful. Guns are a key component of the Retrosexual lifestyle..

To wit...

I've had ENOUGH!! OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title. Example..."***** Eye for the Straight Guy" The censor took care of this 'un...

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is cussing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

I think this circulated in 2004.

Oh, and I will not simply stand idly by and watch my Retrosexual rights be trampled.
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:23 PM   #2
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Hells Yeah!
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: Retrosexual

That was a beautiful piece...I almost cried, but I DEALT WITH IT!!!
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Quote:
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
you mean theres more than 1 way to tie a tie?

great thread. anyone needind a visual representation of the classic retrosexual, just study quint in "Jaws".

them comparing shark bite wounds is the best scene in the movie. uber retro.
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:57 PM   #5
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony hipchest View Post
you mean theres more than 1 way to tie a tie?

great thread. anyone needind a visual representation of the classic retrosexual, just study quint in "Jaws".

them comparing shark bite wounds is the best scene in the movie. uber retro.
Actually there are two ways to tie a tie - half Windsor and full Windsor. Full was "popular" (a word that hits the Retro gag reflex) in the 70s with the huge collars and lapels. Half is the choice of the tight knots in the corporate world.

There's another Retro list out there http://www.radical-conservative.org/retrosexual.html that addresses acceptable movies...

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.etc.

Bullitt, one of my all time favorites, exemplifies the Retrosexual. One of my favorite scenes is his selection of TV dinners in the little corner store. Says two things... The choice isn't important, and he's capable of feeding himself.

I give Tony props here for charting new Retro ground - "Uber Retro". Well done, Sir!!
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Old 04-17-2009, 02:19 PM   #6
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony hipchest View Post
you mean theres more than 1 way to tie a tie?

great thread. anyone needind a visual representation of the classic retrosexual, just study quint in "Jaws".

them comparing shark bite wounds is the best scene in the movie. uber retro.

Quint is a good example----so is Indiana Jones, Harry Callaghan, Jean-Luc Picard, Jack Bauer

The most recent Real Life Retrosexual that comes to mind is the Captain of the Maersk Alabama----he saved his Ship; he saw to it that his Crew was Safe; and he exchanged his own Safety (potentially, His Life) for his Ship and Crew. He did what a Captain is SUPPOSED to do.
He DEALT WITH IT.
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Old 04-17-2009, 02:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: Retrosexual

This dude is Retrosexual...
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Last edited by Indo; 06-28-2010 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 04-17-2009, 02:39 PM   #8
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indo View Post
Quint is a good example----so is Indiana Jones, Harry Callaghan, Jean-Luc Picard, Jack Bauer

The most recent Real Life Retrosexual that comes to mind is the Captain of the Maersk Alabama----he saved his Ship; he saw to it that his Crew was Safe; and he exchanged his own Safety (potentially, His Life) for his Ship and Crew. He did what a Captain is SUPPOSED to do.
He DEALT WITH IT.
Deal with it he did. I'm getting verklempt. OK, I'm back.

Capt. Sullenberger is another one. Rock of Gibraltar. Perfect ditch then checked the plane twice before he debarked. Interesting that once it was known that the Captain was Republican, he disappeared from the media like fried chicken on a Sunday buffet. Hmmm.

Another one that comes to mind it that Italian hostage that took off the hood because we wanted to show the terrorists how an Italian dies. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fabrizio_Quattrocchi Definite Retro.
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Old 04-17-2009, 04:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: Retrosexual

Excellent thread!


I think every man should take on the persona of a Marine Corps drill instructor!

The smoky bear hat is a great look. Every guy sounds like he eats gravel for breakfast. And R. Lee Ermey is the president!

R. Lee to (insert US enemy here) WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMBNUTTS! DIDN'T MOMMY AND DADDY GIVE YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION? NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES AND CHOKE YOURSELF!

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Old 04-17-2009, 06:35 PM   #10
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Default Re: Retrosexual

What would the term be for a badass woman who fits this description?

I'm thinking of badasses like Sarah Palin. She broke her ankle and DEALT WITH IT...including playing in the state championship game and hitting the winning free throw. She can also kill and field dress a moose.
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