Question for the men

[Dino 6 Rings]

Here is why.

Nostalgia for something the Guy thinks he missed, or wishes he would have done. Probably just had a relationship end and has the Lonely Bug and is just wondering about "his past".

Things to realize. This is probably not his first attempt to get with an old flame. Probably has emailed 3 or 4 girls from his past. He's trying to "re live" a better time, which is probably just better in his head, but he has nothing to hold on to now and instead of looking forward, is looking back.

I'm married now, happily, I don't talk to any ex girlfriends. It wouldn't make my Wife happy, plus, I don't even want to be bothered with the what if? "

What if Nothing, it didn't work out, we've moved on, glad you are happy with your life, great, you have kids, wonderful, that's so nice, take it easy, have a nice life."

That's it.

If an exboyfriend of my wife came seeking her out, I'd pretty much say "avoid him" its nothing but trouble, he's on a search for a lost love and it didn't work 20 years ago, it isn't going to work now. When old girlfriends seek me out, I end it quick. "Doing great, hope you're happy, have a very lovely life." Done.

There is Zero Reason to retred crap from 20 years ago or even give into the temptation (because that's what it is). Move on, look foward, wish them luck and hope they get over whatever Drama it is that caused them to seek you out.

[steelreserve]

Yeah, that's not normal. Start looking for a divorce lawyer now, just to be prepared.

The silver lining is that you can be 99 percent certain that this won't product a positive outcome for anyone at all! The husband, wife, ex, kids, will all be miserable.

Wait, that's not what a silver lining is, it just sucks.

[trauben]

Originally Posted by steeldawg

lookin to cheat of course guys dont just seek out girls to meet up with and be friends....you should be worried.....

Exactly!

Originally Posted by steelax04

He needs to know how you're feeling now and not when it's too late.

Did he tell you he contacted her? Or is this information you found by snooping?

If it's snooping then you really have yourself in a pickle...

You've assumed I'm the wife? Wrong assumption.

Originally Posted by GBMelBlount

As to his motives, it could be a number of different things but she will not know for sure unless she talks to him imo.

Okay GB, tell me this, how would your wife feel if she found out you're trying to find and reconnect with one of those women now that you've been married these 12 years?

[steelax04]

Originally Posted by trauben

Exactly!


You've assumed I'm the wife? Wrong assumption.

Okay GB, tell me this, how would your wife feel if she found out you're trying to find and reconnect with one of those women now that you've been married these 12 years?

My apologies... change "you" to "she/her" where applicable...

As for your question to GB, I still ask how the wife found out. If he was forward with the information then I'd say the intentions could be more benign. If he was hiding it and she found out by snooping, then it's a whole other can of worms.

[trauben]

Originally Posted by Dino 6 Rings

Here is why.

Nostalgia for something the Guy thinks he missed, or wishes he would have done. Probably just had a relationship end and has the Lonely Bug and is just wondering about "his past".

Things to realize. This is probably not his first attempt to get with an old flame. Probably has emailed 3 or 4 girls from his past. He's trying to "re live" a better time, which is probably just better in his head, but he has nothing to hold on to now and instead of looking forward, is looking back.

I'm married now, happily, I don't talk to any ex girlfriends. It wouldn't make my Wife happy, plus, I don't even want to be bothered with the what if? "

What if Nothing, it didn't work out, we've moved on, glad you are happy with your life, great, you have kids, wonderful, that's so nice, take it easy, have a nice life."

That's it.

If an exboyfriend of my wife came seeking her out, I'd pretty much say "avoid him" its nothing but trouble, he's on a search for a lost love and it didn't work 20 years ago, it isn't going to work now. When old girlfriends seek me out, I end it quick. "Doing great, hope you're happy, have a very lovely life." Done.

There is Zero Reason to retred crap from 20 years ago or even give into the temptation (because that's what it is). Move on, look foward, wish them luck and hope they get over whatever Drama it is that caused them to seek you out.

Dino, you're a wise man.

Sometimes being in an unhappy marriage leaves you feeling alone, lonely and isolated. People find themselves wanting to connect with someone. Its easy to want to feel better so naturally you remember "better times." The problem with those "better times" is that you have to look in the past for them, because that's the only place they exist. The future has yet to be discovered.

As far as "zero reason to retred" the past though? I don't agree with that one completely. Sometimes if things were done badly, or wrong decisions made? Should a wrong decision be left to stand? Sometimes it can't be helped. Other times a wrong decision can still be righted.

In this particular case however, it was left amicably and forgotten. It should be left at that since he's married and has children.

Originally Posted by steelreserve

Yeah, that's not normal. Start looking for a divorce lawyer now, just to be prepared.

The silver lining is that you can be 99 percent certain that this won't product a positive outcome for anyone at all! The husband, wife, ex, kids, will all be miserable.

Wait, that's not what a silver lining is, it just sucks.

Exactly. It sounds like someone may be having marital problems. Its a Pandora's box.

[trauben]

Originally Posted by steelax04

My apologies... change "you" to "she/her" where applicable...

As for your question to GB, I still ask how the wife found out. If he was forward with the information then I'd say the intentions could be more benign. If he was hiding it and she found out by snooping, then it's a whole other can of worms.

I don't know if the wife knows. Maybe if I knew she did? I'd answer his email. But since I don't know and all I have is the email forwarded to me from my sister? I'm not touching it with a ten foot pole!!!!

[xfl2001fan]

Originally Posted by Dino 6 Rings

There is Zero Reason to retred crap from 20 years ago or even give into the temptation (because that's what it is). Move on, look foward, wish them luck and hope they get over whatever Drama it is that caused them to seek you out.

It's possible it may not be for temptation. (With my wife's approval) I contacted an old ex from HS about a year ago that I did wrong. I felt bad about it a few years after HS, but never had contact with her to apologize. About a year and a half ago, via Facebook, I happened to reconnect with a mutual friend of ours. For about 3 months, I struggled with whether or not to say anything to her (or to try and reconnect) and for the next 3 months, what to say.

I talked to my wife and explained what I was going to say and why it bothered me so much. Left her a huge apology (which my wife read) and found out that she wasn't really bothered by it as much as I had thought she might. She lost touch with a lot of people right after HS because her house was flooded...and she only kept paper copies of how to contact people.

I've spoken to her all of two times since...one of which was to wish her well on her trip to Canada...and one to ask how the trip was.

While unlikely, it's possible that it's not such a nefarious thing. However, the likelihood of it not being something more than innocent contact is not in said guy's favor.

[GBMelBlount]

Originally Posted by trauben

Okay GB, tell me this, how would your wife feel if she found out you're trying to find and reconnect with one of those women now that you've been married these 12 years?

Of course she would be upset. My point is simply that you won't know for sure unless you talk to him and know the circumstances. Period.

I'm not telling you to respond, I am simply stating that you can't always make generalizations and know for sure it is the case.

[Dino 6 Rings]

The dude is married with kids and is looking up an old flame. Now unless he's looking for a possible bone marrow donor, he's up to no good and probably hopes you're married with kids too so he can get an easy "side thing" going with you with no strings.

Avoid the situation. If you feel compelled to respond, first tell your significant other, explain your intentions to just say hello, good luck, great to hear from you, I'm happy has a bug in a wood pile, bye.

If he responds (which he will cause he won't take the hint) Flat out say, "Look that was long ago, it was fun, but I'm married (or with someone) now and that's my focus. If you're lost or looking for someone Jesus is always willing to have your love." That'll do it. Mention Jesus to the potential Home Wrecker and he's gone. (doesn't matter your religion, put whatever diety you need to in there, just push them away in a very friendly, "bless your heart, you're so pretty" kind of way and forget about it.

[Dino 6 Rings]

He may be doing a 12 step program that forces folks to "make-up" to those they hurt.

Let him do it in email or on the phone, don't go "out for coffee" or crap like that. Its bad, unless his wife is there too. No one on one meetings with Mr Married with Kids.