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Old 03-07-2006, 04:40 PM   #1
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Default Texas Chili Contest ( JOKE)

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
laughing, then there's no hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's tab! le asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

CHILI 1: Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amazing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI 2: Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the ! reach of children. I'm not sure What
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI 3: Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer..

CHILI 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Ju! dge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This
300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of! distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it - I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI 8 Karen's Toenail-Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold yet spicy enough to declare its existence

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.
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Old 03-07-2006, 05:21 PM   #2
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Default Re: Texas Chili Contest ( JOKE)

that is too funny. lmao the whole way through. the "hot" chile is definitely an acquired taste that takes practice. i think this was my favorite:

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
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Old 03-07-2006, 05:38 PM   #3
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Default Re: Texas Chili Contest ( JOKE)

Yeh this joke to this day gets me when I read it my favorite was

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it - I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
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