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|06-22-2006, 12:04 AM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Westerville, Ohio now but from Mount Lebanon, PA
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Terrell Owens and God
The Heavenly Father admitted late Tuesday night that he has grown weary of the hundreds of thousands of Tsunami victims asking him for help because it has caused him to lose focus on his goal of healing Terrell Owens in time to participate in the Super Bowl.
God, the Father of Creation, reportedly placed a wager on the Eagles at the beginning of the season to win the Super Bowl, and he isn?t about to let something minor like the worst natural disaster since the extinction of the Dinosaurs interfere with his ability to cash in on a winning bet.
?Anyone who?s ever watched a post-game interview knows I?m a huge football fan,? said Yahweh. ?I thank myself every Sunday for giving these guys the athletic ability to play a meaningless game very well. Unfortunately, I have to watch over my entire Kingdom, which also includes much less entertaining things like that damned Tsunami.?
?I?m not sure why I invented natural disasters in the first place. Well, aside from that whole Noah and the Ark thing. But if you think I?d rather tend to the huddled masses of thousands of homeless Thai than sit back, crack a beer and watch Donovan McNabb, you?re nuts,? continued the Holy Father.
Lately, the Father of Christ reported, he has been so inundated with pleas for help for the ravaged victims of the Tsunami, he hasn?t had time to properly heal Owens? ankle injury.
?Can?t these people see that the Super Bowl is less than two weeks away? Don?t they know that I care more about these highly-paid, promiscuous, crack-addicted, egomaniacal athletes than I do about some tiny island nation in Southeast Asia?? asked the Forgiver of Sins.
For his part, Owens believes he is already healed.
?What a lot of people don?t realize is that?God is healing me and I?m way ahead of where a lot of people expect me to be, even the doctor,? Owens told ESPN.com news services on Monday.
Dr. Mark Myerson, who operated on Owens? injured ankle, said the ankle was progressing well, but also said, ?if God truly does have something to do with this, I?d think the ankle would actually be better. I mean, he?s still at maybe 75 percent. If I?m God and I want T.O. to play, I?m not going half-ass. I?m going with an all-out, immaculate conception-level miracle. Why wouldn?t you just give the guy 3.6 speed and make him eight feet tall? Do you honestly think [Patriots? defensive back] Randall Gay could stop him??
To Myerson?s comments, God responded, ?I?d like to see you perform a miracle, Doctor Myerson. Maybe Owens is at 75 percent because I?ve spent the last two weeks giving people the energy to set up refugee camps and answering millions of tsunami-related prayers. Did you ever think of that, you selfish bastard??
?Plus, some frat member at the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire promised he?d never drink again if I got him through the night last Saturday. I just had to answer that one. I mean, who among us hasn?t been in a similar situation? Jesus Christ, Myerson, go to hell.?
The Eagles? plans of winning the Super Bowl, with the help of the Almighty, nearly hit a snag a week ago when receiver Freddy Mitchell thanked his own hands, not God, for helping him catch a career-high two touchdowns against the Vikings
?That really pissed me off,? said the Big Guy in the Sky. ?I go through all this trouble to give that no-talent ass clown a couple of touchdown passes, and he doesn?t even thank me??
Another sticking point for God in this week?s Super Bowl is that the Patriots? quarterback, Tom Brady, is widely believed to be the second coming of God?s only son, the deceased Jesus Christ. Brady?s arm was once blessed by Pope John Paul II, but the Holy Ghost believes Brady already has enough Super Bowl titles.
?Pretty soon, that guy is going to be more popular than me,? said God. ?Christ, you?d think the guy walked on water or something. He?s just a quarterback, he?s not omnipotent. No, wait. He?s not impotent. Or is it omnipotent? I always get those two mixed up. Whatever. The point is I am at least ten times more awesome than he is. That little shit would be nothing without Bill Belichick.?
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