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Old 07-11-2006, 10:55 AM   #1
HometownGal
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Default Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet
paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper
to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a
public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted
of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually
letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance"
is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line
of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your
turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the
door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but
quickly drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave
if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The
Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean
the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs
shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You
crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your
thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in
front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the
tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of
diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At
that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure
out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your
hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women,
still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED
it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used
and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long,
and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their
other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in
pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and
hand you Kleenex under the door.
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Old 07-12-2006, 09:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

LOL! One of life's greatest mysteries solved
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Old 07-12-2006, 09:52 AM   #3
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Default Re: Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

LOL...I'll be damned......

Thanks hun...for the never before seen inside scoop on women in restrooms.....

I'm tellin ya...this is worthy of 60 minutes!!!
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackNGold203
LOL...I'll be damned......

Thanks hun...for the never before seen inside scoop on women in restrooms.....

I'm tellin ya...this is worthy of 60 minutes!!!
It probably took 60 minutes to read - LOL! (Sorry 'bout that)

You guys are lucky - no curse, no labor, no menopause - and you can take care of business just about anywhere!
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Old 07-14-2006, 11:36 AM   #5
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Default Re: Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

i don't know how girls do it at the stadium, shit us guys piss in the sink if we need to, the only problem is standing an inch away from some other dude pissing into the trough (sp), but we are all too drunk anyways to care.
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Old 07-14-2006, 11:47 AM   #6
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Default Re: Oh The Trials and Tribulations of that Toilet Seat!

Quote:
Originally Posted by section514
i don't know how girls do it at the stadium, shit us guys piss in the sink if we need to, the only problem is standing an inch away from some other dude pissing into the trough (sp), but we are all too drunk anyways to care.
I always take a trip to the ladies room as soon as I get to the stadium, about 5 minutes before halftime and if needed, 5 minutes before the end of the game. No long lines - you're in, you're out and you don't miss much action on the field.
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