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Old 08-14-2013, 06:43 PM   #31
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Dear Diary,

I shaved myself today and left a tuft of hair in the shape of an arrow pointing right to my vajayjay.

Gizzy called it her "flavor saver"

Hehe!
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Old 08-15-2013, 08:26 AM   #32
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Entry #6518,

I woke up this morning and remembered that I used to have sex with Bridget Monyahan. I'm so awesome.

They say that 'a bird in hand is worth two in the bush', but jerking off is not better than doing it with two chicks at once.

No matter how hard you try you can't unsee naked Vince Wilfork.

I've given it a lot of thought and Squirtle is definitely my favorite Pokemon.

A bunch of the guys are trying to convince Tebow to throw out a first pitch at Fenway. This is gonna be so awesome!
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:12 AM   #33
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddha Bus View Post
MY BUSY DAY:

7:30 am- Woke up and had to pee. Went to the bathroom and fell into the toilet when I sat down because Gisele left the seat up again. She is just soooo inconsiderate sometimes!

7:45 am- After pulling myself out of the toilet and drying myself off, I peeked in the mirror and was mortified at how I looked! It was the start of a bad hair day, my makeup hadn't been applied yet, and I had a huge knot on my forehead where I bumped it on the headboard last night when Gisele got a little over-aggressive with the strap-on. I looked hideous!

7:46 am to 8 am- Had a good cry.

8:01 am to 9:30 am- I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair (I couldn't do ANYTHING with it!), got a bubble bath, shaved my legs and bikini area, splashed on some Summer's Eve, and put my makeup on. Good hygiene and grooming are important to staying as pretty as I am.

9:35 am to 10:30 am- Had trouble choosing my cute outfit for the day. I settled on my pink low-cut cashmere blouse, light gray spandex pants, and fuzzy Uggs boots. No thongs today as my "monthly visitor" is in town. UGH! These cramps suck!

10:35 am- Popped in a fresh Kotex.

10:40 am to 10:50 am- Went downstairs and asked Gisele why she didn't put the seat down again. She acted irritated, dismissed my concerns, and barked at me to get some food cooked. She was angry that I had gotten such a late start and wanted her breakfast. Does she even know how hard I work to look this good?

10:55 am to 11 am- Had a good cry.

11:01 am to 11:35 am- As it was now actually about brunch time, I decided to whip up some egg whites, wheat toast, fresh strawberry topped yogurt, and some lovely Mimosas to wash it all down. Gisele grumbled about "sissy food", but ate it anyway. Honestly, some mornings she's just soooo mean!

11:55 am- I left the house for my salon appointment to get my nails and hair done hoping a mani/pedi and hot new summer hairdo would cheer me up.

12:30 pm- I arrived at the salon and went in. My hairdresser immediately commented on how disheveled I looked and that I had a large bump on my forehead. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die! I excused myself to the bathroom to collect myself.

12:37 pm to 12:43 pm- Had a good cry.

12:45 pm to 2 pm- My mani/pedi felt great and looked fabulous, but my hairdresser burned my bangs with the iron! I was horrified! I looked like the love child of the Elephant Man and Fire Marshall Bill between the scorched hair and "love bump". My cramps were intensifying and I felt like Bill Belichick looks without his hoodie. This is the worst day ever!

I threatened to scratch that bitch hairdresser's eyes out, grabbed my purse, and stormed out of the salon (or better yet "butchers") without paying! She can kiss my patootie if she thinks I'm paying for that abortion! I'm totally sending Aaron over there if he gets out of jail!

2:05 pm to 2:25 pm- Had a good, loooong cry.

2:26 pm- Decided to go to the mall and shop. Maybe that will make me feel better.

2:45 pm to 3:10 pm- Arrived at the mall and was cut off in the parking lot as some asshole Steeler fan stole my parking spot! I screamed and whined at the mall security guy to throw a flag to no avail. Don't these people know who I am?!? Instead, I called several of my offensive linemen up and yelled at them over the phone to make me feel better about myself.... whatever their names are.

3:15 pm to 5:45 pm- SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED! I bought 2 new pairs of Uggs boots, some new makeup, a beautiful floral print head wrap (to cover my bump) and matching scarf set, a new sundress and bikini for this weekend's beach party, a gorgeous diamond ankle bracelet, some new perfume, and an ice pack sleeping eye mask for swelling of the eyes from crying too much. I even went to Victoria's Secret and bought a sexy new sheer nightie to wear for Gisele. Puuurrrrrrr!

5:55 pm- Left the mall for home and had a good cry in the car for no real reason.

6:40 pm- Traffic was terrible and I had to make a quick stop for some Midol. I'm late getting home to make supper. I hope Gisele doesn't smack me around again....

6:45 pm to 7 pm- Gisele was pissed about me getting home late for dinner. We squabbled a little bit about it, she hollered at me to get dinner ready, and sat back down to watch the Red Sox game. At least I won't have to waste a bunch of the extra makeup I just bought covering up black eyes again.

7:01 pm to 7:06 pm- Teared up, fought back a good cry, and surprisingly, didn't cry. The Midol is kicking in.

7:07 pm to 8 pm- I prepared a nice low-fat veggie quiche for Gisele and I. We sat down for a peaceful and delicious dinner and compared beauty tips over creme brulee for dessert. Our little tiff appears to be over. YAY!!!!

8:20 pm to 9:20 pm- Sat down to some TV and watched a couple of recorded episodes of "Project Runway" with Gisele. I really got some good ideas for some snazzy new outfits! We were giddy with fashion excitement!

9:25 pm to 9:55 pm- Snuggled on the couch with my Bundchy Bunny. The day is ending on a nice note!

10 pm- Gisele and I decided to turn in a little early *giggle giggle*. I went into the bathroom and slipped into my new nightie for her and spritzed some of my new perfume in all of the right areas, if you know what I mean. Feeling much sexier now! Grrrrrrr!

10:10 pm- I emerged from the bathroom in my new nightie to find that Gisele was in bed and "in the mood" as well. She pulled back the covers and revealed that she already had the strap-on cinched tight and ready to go. My heart fluttered with excitement!!!

10:15 pm to ? - Well.... a girl has to keep some secrets! Tee hee! Nighty-nite, Tommy!
Bravo sir.... bravo indeed.
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Old 08-16-2013, 03:00 PM   #34
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

December 7, 2012

Today I received an email from an old friend: TAPES18N1.

He invited me to a BBQ, which, in his words, was to be "chock full of games & fun."

Knowing that most Taperiot fans want to fellate me, I shaved my nether regions, and applied an apricot-scented lotion.

Hoping for more, I washed my crevasse, and again, applied more apricot-scented lotion.

Then, I packed my bag of tricks, with my usual assortment of goodies: lube, body chocolate, a six-inch dildo, a nine-inch dildo, the Rabbit, the strap-on, Mr. Fist, and, of course, apricot-scented lotion.

When I arrived at the party, I was shocked. TAPES18N1 had set up plenty of "fun & games"... but, it was not at all what I had expected.

There was an area where one could throw rocks at an African-American man... who was tied up by his feet, from a tree limb. (I hit him four out of five times.)

Also, there was a kiddie pool full of plastic battleships, and one could drop firecrackers on them. TAPES18N1 informed me that this was the main event, because it was "Pearl Harbor Day!!!" According to TAPES18N1, the attack on Pearl Harbor Day is the greatest day in American history. When I asked why, he gave me three reasons:

1. Asians are the only minority that TAPES18N1 can stand.

2. Japan is a friend to Hitler... and any friend of Hitler's is a friend of TAPES18N1's.

3. Japan doesn't have many African-Americans... a stance which TAPES18N1 commends.

I was feeling let down; I had brought my bag of tricks for nothing. Then... TAPES18N1 brought out the life-sized, synthetic-skinned Hitler sex doll. TAPES18N1 & I took turns with the doll (and with each other) until we were too exhausted to move.

Relieved & satisfied, I was certain that my day could not get any better... and then... TAPES18N1 rubbed my entire body with apricot-scented lotion.

Thank you, TAPES18N1. I love you.

Yours,
Tom-Tom
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Old 08-16-2013, 03:26 PM   #35
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

June 17, 2013

Aaron Hernandez stopped by at 4:30 this morning. Alas, he was too busy to let me blow him.

He simply handed me four pieces of already-chewed gum & a hand gun, told me to hide them, and then he left.

One at a time, I popped each piece of gum into my mouth, and I savored Aaron's spicy-tasting saliva. I closed my eyes, and pretended that it was him inside of my mouth. By the fourth piece, I was in a tizzy: I needed something more.

Looking at the gun, and at my apricot-scented lotion, I got an idea. I slid the barrel of the gun in & out of my crevasse, at a fevered pitch. Then, with one final thrust, the gun disappeared up into my butt.

I laid on the bed, and declared:
"Apricot-scented lotion, is there nothing that you can't do???"

Kisses,
Tom-Tom
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Old 08-16-2013, 03:28 PM   #36
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Quote:
Originally Posted by teegre View Post
June 17, 2013

Aaron Hernandez stopped by at 4:30 this morning. Alas, he was too busy to let me blow him.

He simply handed me four pieces of already-chewed gum & a hand gun, told me to hide them, and then he left.

One at a time, I popped each piece of gum into my mouth, and I savored Aaron's spicy-tasting saliva. I closed my eyes, and pretended that it was him inside of my mouth. By the fourth piece, I was in a tizzy: I needed something more.

Looking at the gun, and at my apricot-scented lotion, I got an idea. I slid the barrel of the gun in & out of my crevasse, at a fevered pitch. Then, with one final thrust, the gun disappeared up into my butt.

I laid on the bed, and declared:
"Apricot-scented lotion, is there nothing that you can't do???"

Kisses,
Tom-Tom
THAT was gross.
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Old 08-16-2013, 03:35 PM   #37
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

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Originally Posted by GBMelBlount View Post
THAT was gross.
Worse yet: Belichick has it on tape.
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Old 08-17-2013, 07:54 PM   #38
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

dear diary:

I finally made out with Josh McDaniels, YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-17-2013, 11:35 PM   #39
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddha Bus View Post
MY BUSY DAY:

7:30 am- Woke up and had to pee. Went to the bathroom and fell into the toilet when I sat down because Gisele left the seat up again. She is just soooo inconsiderate sometimes!

7:45 am- After pulling myself out of the toilet and drying myself off, I peeked in the mirror and was mortified at how I looked! It was the start of a bad hair day, my makeup hadn't been applied yet, and I had a huge knot on my forehead where I bumped it on the headboard last night when Gisele got a little over-aggressive with the strap-on. I looked hideous!

7:46 am to 8 am- Had a good cry.

8:01 am to 9:30 am- I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair (I couldn't do ANYTHING with it!), got a bubble bath, shaved my legs and bikini area, splashed on some Summer's Eve, and put my makeup on. Good hygiene and grooming are important to staying as pretty as I am.

9:35 am to 10:30 am- Had trouble choosing my cute outfit for the day. I settled on my pink low-cut cashmere blouse, light gray spandex pants, and fuzzy Uggs boots. No thongs today as my "monthly visitor" is in town. UGH! These cramps suck!

10:35 am- Popped in a fresh Kotex.

10:40 am to 10:50 am- Went downstairs and asked Gisele why she didn't put the seat down again. She acted irritated, dismissed my concerns, and barked at me to get some food cooked. She was angry that I had gotten such a late start and wanted her breakfast. Does she even know how hard I work to look this good?

10:55 am to 11 am- Had a good cry.

11:01 am to 11:35 am- As it was now actually about brunch time, I decided to whip up some egg whites, wheat toast, fresh strawberry topped yogurt, and some lovely Mimosas to wash it all down. Gisele grumbled about "sissy food", but ate it anyway. Honestly, some mornings she's just soooo mean!

11:55 am- I left the house for my salon appointment to get my nails and hair done hoping a mani/pedi and hot new summer hairdo would cheer me up.

12:30 pm- I arrived at the salon and went in. My hairdresser immediately commented on how disheveled I looked and that I had a large bump on my forehead. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die! I excused myself to the bathroom to collect myself.

12:37 pm to 12:43 pm- Had a good cry.

12:45 pm to 2 pm- My mani/pedi felt great and looked fabulous, but my hairdresser burned my bangs with the iron! I was horrified! I looked like the love child of the Elephant Man and Fire Marshall Bill between the scorched hair and "love bump". My cramps were intensifying and I felt like Bill Belichick looks without his hoodie. This is the worst day ever!

I threatened to scratch that bitch hairdresser's eyes out, grabbed my purse, and stormed out of the salon (or better yet "butchers") without paying! She can kiss my patootie if she thinks I'm paying for that abortion! I'm totally sending Aaron over there if he gets out of jail!

2:05 pm to 2:25 pm- Had a good, loooong cry.

2:26 pm- Decided to go to the mall and shop. Maybe that will make me feel better.

2:45 pm to 3:10 pm- Arrived at the mall and was cut off in the parking lot as some asshole Steeler fan stole my parking spot! I screamed and whined at the mall security guy to throw a flag to no avail. Don't these people know who I am?!? Instead, I called several of my offensive linemen up and yelled at them over the phone to make me feel better about myself.... whatever their names are.

3:15 pm to 5:45 pm- SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED! I bought 2 new pairs of Uggs boots, some new makeup, a beautiful floral print head wrap (to cover my bump) and matching scarf set, a new sundress and bikini for this weekend's beach party, a gorgeous diamond ankle bracelet, some new perfume, and an ice pack sleeping eye mask for swelling of the eyes from crying too much. I even went to Victoria's Secret and bought a sexy new sheer nightie to wear for Gisele. Puuurrrrrrr!

5:55 pm- Left the mall for home and had a good cry in the car for no real reason.

6:40 pm- Traffic was terrible and I had to make a quick stop for some Midol. I'm late getting home to make supper. I hope Gisele doesn't smack me around again....

6:45 pm to 7 pm- Gisele was pissed about me getting home late for dinner. We squabbled a little bit about it, she hollered at me to get dinner ready, and sat back down to watch the Red Sox game. At least I won't have to waste a bunch of the extra makeup I just bought covering up black eyes again.

7:01 pm to 7:06 pm- Teared up, fought back a good cry, and surprisingly, didn't cry. The Midol is kicking in.

7:07 pm to 8 pm- I prepared a nice low-fat veggie quiche for Gisele and I. We sat down for a peaceful and delicious dinner and compared beauty tips over creme brulee for dessert. Our little tiff appears to be over. YAY!!!!

8:20 pm to 9:20 pm- Sat down to some TV and watched a couple of recorded episodes of "Project Runway" with Gisele. I really got some good ideas for some snazzy new outfits! We were giddy with fashion excitement!

9:25 pm to 9:55 pm- Snuggled on the couch with my Bundchy Bunny. The day is ending on a nice note!

10 pm- Gisele and I decided to turn in a little early *giggle giggle*. I went into the bathroom and slipped into my new nightie for her and spritzed some of my new perfume in all of the right areas, if you know what I mean. Feeling much sexier now! Grrrrrrr!

10:10 pm- I emerged from the bathroom in my new nightie to find that Gisele was in bed and "in the mood" as well. She pulled back the covers and revealed that she already had the strap-on cinched tight and ready to go. My heart fluttered with excitement!!!

10:15 pm to ? - Well.... a girl has to keep some secrets! Tee hee! Nighty-nite, Tommy!
I don't think anybody, no matter what we might post, will be able to top this one! Leave it to you Buddah.
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Old 08-20-2013, 12:49 AM   #40
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Default Re: Tom Brady's Diary

Dear diary,

Timmy wont flick my bean.

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